Sub guys are in a conflicting situation. They want to submit to a woman, but they must first arouse her interest in them. How can they pull this off?
When you first communicate with a woman in a dating situation, she is doing more than listening to your words. She is reading your non-verbal body language, your attitude, your attraction to her and much more. A submissive guy has to be a guy first and then engage in submission when she initiates dominant play. He has to show her his desire for her. Some men display their arousal by aggressive behaviors, dominating others who they perceive as competing for the object of their desire, etc. These behaviors may be counter-productive, i.e., they may turn off the person they are pursuing. I do not condone agressive behavior that can lead to abuses such as “date rape”.
Making one’s way to establish a relationship is difficult for vanilla ones and an even more perilous minefield for D/s. At the bars I work at guys often approach me with questions such as: “do I call her mistress, ma’am or her name”, “can I make the first move and ask her for a date?”, etc. Unless I know what the woman they are interested in prefers, I advise them to act as though they asking a ‘vanilla’ woman for a date. They should show a non-hesitant advancement towards her through the natural expression of their masculine personality, a display of leadership and independence. This is not “sexist bs” anymore than a discussion about male erections would be. Not all men are overtly masculine. Guys have to go with what they are comfortable with and what works for them.
There are guys who really want to hook up with a dominant woman. The more desire they have to do this, the more likely they will “trip over their tongue”. They have to approach her with confidence. They have to be up front with what they want, even if it can lead to an embarrassing situation. Establishing a relationship begins by triggering the BDSM dynamic from creating tension that can be resolved by “interpersonal transactions *”. A guy can create this tension one way by being the initiator of the meeting and taking the lead of the interaction while maintaining a position of high value. A guy who wants to take the role as a submissive to a dominant woman has to has to both initiate the transactions (an act that some would consider dominance) and indicate that he would be submissive with her if things worked out. It is not easy to pull this off in a convincing way. In the male leather scene of the past, guys would wear colored bandannas on one of their pants pockets to indicate their preferences. We don’t have universal markers that people accept. Guys are sometimes misled by women who dress in SM Goth styles but who are not into BDSM.
On the non-verbal side, guys can stimulate women through playful teasing, humor, friendly touches and penetrative seductive gazes towards her eyes and body and finally more intense intimate touches.
I added a comment at the bottom from a reddit contributor who suggests guys take the “coy” route through teasing and playful interaction. This may work for some guys who do not want to present themselves as overtly masculine.
- “interpersonal transactions” is a term that indicates the type of interactions people make with each other. Some interactions are almost entirely “mercantile” as it is with traders. Some are more along the lines of empathetic emotional support. There are transactions common to BDSM practitioners. This post would become too lengthy to describe them.
In Chase Amante
Men watch models and actresses and porn starlets all day long, and become obsessed with finding women who look just like them. And when they find the women who look that way, they lose their cool, get weak in the knees, and turn to silly putty…
men doing this have raised beautiful women up to the same lofty ideal and level of respect and deference they once gave to goddesses. Beautiful women are to be sheltered, protected, treated with kid gloves, and doted upon. One must never mention sexual intimacy, lest her fragile sensibilities are shaken. And one must certainly be slow, deferential, and unfailingly a gentleman while courting her.
Although sub guys are conditioned by media to treat dominant women deferentially, you will not establish a healthy connection with anyone you place on a pedestal.
Approach your dominant as though you are not any sub but someone of value and that you are worth her time. Do not place her on a pedestal by these behaviors:
1. Not wanting to say anything to offend her in any way
2. Over-complimenting her
3. Being needy or clingy
Present yourself as the kind of man a woman can’t easily manipulate. Raise the bar on her dominance by challenging her. Guys, don’t present yourself as submissive to any woman just because she knows how to wield a whip, you want to be her special partner that she will respect for your commitment to her if she meets your standards too.
Pedestal treatment can ruin things if you are not yet in a relationship with a dominant because you will over think things during interactions and often waste her time with shallow cliches. Dominants have no desire to stand on the pedestal submissive men have set up for them, and will usually run when presented with it. They see an unsolicited invitation to be his special queen or princess and they reject a sub guy who will worship the ground they walk on just because they happen to be dominant. They want guys who can turn them on and show them a good time.
The advantage of not seeing a woman on a pedestal are:
- You seem far more possessed, self-confident, and worldly to a woman when you’re clear-eyed around her
- You’re able to act according to your experience and do the right things to move an interaction with her forward, rather than getting nervous and supplicating and losing any shot at being with her, which is what most men do
- You get to see a woman for the person she is, rather than as some ideal creature of beauty that she doesn’t really like being seen as
- You get women’s respect, because rather than communicating you’re beneath them, as men who place them on pedestals do, you communicate that the two of you are equals
Why society, including those in leather & kink doesn’t ‘get’ prodommes… discrimination against Pro Dommes stemmed from the conflicting attitudes regarding sexually empowered women in our culture http://bit.ly/2rBLfrx
‘You’re not like other Dommes’ is something I have heard many times, a sentiment which usually has been prompted by my having completely normal, polite conversation with a prospective submissive. This is not a surprise, given the pervasive and ‘classic’ image of a Domme is that of the strict, crop-wielding, leather-clad dominatrix. She is beautiful, perfectly composed, organised, and with her demands and steely will in perfect clarity. By the very nature of the pedestal she stands on, she’s cooly distant, tantalisingly out of the reach of the submissive, only to be worshipped and revered.
Unfortunately, or perhaps very fortunately, she exists at best only momentarily. This, however, isn’t a widely acknowledged fact, even by subs who have been in ‘the scene’ for quite some time. There has been some debate as to why this is – blame has been placed on pro-Dommes and their marketing. As ‘wardens of fantasy’ (2)…
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