Should guys come out as submissives?

If Fat Mike revealed his deep S&M lifestyle, should you?

Mistress Scarlet in her post article Coming out as submissive suggests that if we regard male submission as a sexuality, then coming out would be accepted similarly to gay couples living together.

Mike of the NOFX band ” is a staunch advocate for the BDSM community, has kept a dungeon for 20 years, and is proud as hell.”

Mike says:

Well, it’s my lifestyle. You could talk to a gay person and say “you just love being gay, don’t ya?” I’m not saying you’re born with it, but the first shit I ever jerked off to was definitely kinky shit. I’ve done it my whole life, and now …I’m living with a dominatrix. …it’s our lifestyle.I haven’t always been open but I always felt lucky that there was something in my life that I felt passionate about. I think most people don’t feel that way about sex. …I’ve had a dungeon in my house for the past 20 years.

I think it should be talked about. It should be out in the open because people don’t enjoy their desires enough. You’re allowed to do whatever the fuck you want as long as it’s consensual. You might as well live out your fantasies and not be ashamed of it.

SPIN: The inspiration behind “Fuck Euphemism” is obviously very clear, but what do you want people to take away from this song about you being a crossdressing kinkster?
Fat Mike: I think it’s a very important song for the conversation with the trans community and the LBGT community. I consider myself queer and a part of it, so I can sing a song like this. I live a BDSM lifestyle and I’m a crossdresser, so it did bother me when people were calling me a cis male. I like the whole thing of defining yourself using your own terms, because I’m a punk rocker first, and then a submissive crossdressing male. The transgender community and the gay community are taking a stance on how we want to be known, and I’m going to be known as a certain way. –

If Fat Mike “comes out”, should others? Sub guys are vulnerable to criticism from both gay and straight communities. An outed sub male can expose himself to many attacks from opportunistic bullies.

Miss Scarlet says:

The next step for our community is for people coming out as submissive, AND in an FLR. So many problems would fall away if submissiveness was treated as a sexuality, which it is. But it is not treated as such by society. Like gay males, submissives do not choose to be submissive, but they are. It is their sexuality.

Is submissiveness a sexuality?

In the article: What are the different types of sexualities? Medical News says:

A person’s sexuality, or sexual orientation, determines whom they do or do not feel attraction toward. This attraction is typically sexual or romantic.

Sexual attraction describes a person’s desire to have sex or form a sexual relationship with other people. It often also describes physical attraction, or lack thereof, toward others.

Although News provides an extensive list of types of sexualities, it does not include BDSM. The closest match for a dominant-submissive relationship would be Demisexual. In Demisexual strong emotional attachment is necessary for the sexuality. Submissives contend that they have a strong sexuality with a submissive relationship to a dominant.

Scarlett claims that most submissive males know their sexuality before puberty. Women have to lern or somehow acquire a dominant personality (often from submissives, but also in the pro-domme industry).


In What Is a Submissive Man? the author writes:

When an individual is submissive in the bedroom, they are open to the idea of being told what to do and suspending their own free will and/or decisions, especially as they pertain to sexual acts and sexual pleasure.

A dominant individual in the bedroom will prefer to take control of their partner while in bed.

Dominant partners may enjoy commanding their partner to complete sexual acts or even completing a variety of tasks in a consensual manner.

common traits and behaviors that you are likely to notice in a man who is submissive outside of the bedroom, such as:

  • Avoiding the opportunity to take the lead
  • Awaiting input and/or direction from others in their life, including their romantic partners
  • Avoiding confrontation at all costs, even to the detriment of their own wants and needs
  • The desire to be told what to do and to be led by their romantic partner
  • Submissive behavior and the willingness to submit to their partner’s whims over their own
  • Prefers to take the backseat in decision-making as well as in the workplace (in some cases)
  • Complete and total submission of their body and will, especially when they are extremely turned on
  • The desire to please you with disregard for their own sexual pleasure
  • Requesting to be tied up, bound, or controlled in some form or another during sexual acts
  • A willingness to try and explore new sexual acts or experiences, especially if he has the opportunity to act as the submissive in the scenario

How is male submission as a lifestyle different from bedroom bdsm?

A sign that a guy is a likely lifestyle submissive is his unhappiness and disappointment when his dominant is unhappy
to me

Random thoughts:

New To The World Of Bondage? A Beginners Guide

bd for beginners

mainstreaming of non-monogamy that has led to bad behaviour

Just How Popular Is Male Chastity & Orgasm Denial

Sperm Wars

fat Mike bdsm lifestyle

Coming out as submissive

And the actual moment when he knew, actually understood, that not only was I going to inflict pain on him, but that he had no choice, no say! When I struck him I experienced a searingly hot rush of sexual heat. My blood seemed to fizz. Everything changed instantly for both of us – from that day onwards he was a fearful, wary individual living with a frightening unpredictable animal.

Elise Graves Bondage Liberation

Miss Isobel Devi
Nov 25
My love language is male suffering.

Miss Pearl does autumn. ??????
Nov 23
He said he finally succumbed and came just to make the cycle of electrocuting his cock and then edging him stop. I would run the wand along the head of his cock and the underside of the flare, until his erection flagged a bit, then put him through another milking cycle.

READ PINNED (814€/2000€)
Nov 13
face slapping and caressing their face after just to slap them harder and call them a good girl/boy. simple but hot.

dominatricks ??
Nov 12
What’s the point of having sex with a man if you can’t slap him in the face and feel him get harder inside you

bungrim ? Depraved Lagomorph ? 18+
Oct 30
Still, I lay down over your lap, suppressing a flinch when your hand came down… to gently cup my rear.

“I’m sure you’re wondering if you did something wrong. You didn’t.”

You felt me relax.

“But I realized… I miss this.”

Your hand lifted and came back down, hard.

bungrim ? Depraved Lagomorph ? 18+
Oct 30
Replying to
The reaction to that still hadn’t been trained out, and I whined in just the way you had missed.

“Therefore I have decided on a new rule for you. ‘Whenever they want, Master and anyone Master designates to have this right may spank you for as long as they wish’.”

I gasped.

“It’s a nice rule, right?”

I didn’t respond, only lowering my face into the cushion.

“I like it, I’m sure you’ll grow to accept your new role as punching bag~ Now…”

You raised your hand again.

“Let’s see if you still remember how to cry!”

The sound echoed, and I remembered

By the end of my first “discipline maintenance” as you decided to call them, the pillow had two dark spots where my tears had fallen, the mascara you had me put on every day was running down my cheeks, and my ass was bruised a deep, dark purple.

“Wasn’t that nice?”

I nodded, shakily.

“Now now, not so quiet. Tell me you liked it~”

“T-thank you, Master; I love being disciplined by you.”

“Tell me you missed it.”

“I… I missed you making me hurt, making sure I remember that I’m just a toy for you.”

“Good pet, now… Tell me you love me.”

“I love you so much~” For once, I didn’t need to lie to obey.

We smiled at each other, you with a small cut on your lip from where you’d bitten it as you hit me, me with my face a mess of tears and running make-up.

“Thank you for being such a good pet for me, now come along. I want you sitting in my lap ALL afternoon!”

My eyes widened, my rear was in no shape to sit on anything…

“And for every time you squirm, you’ll get a hit from the riding crop after I clock out!”

I swallowed, hard.

I mean sure, giving head is fun and a  wonderful way to serve your owner, but giving head while they tease you with one of their feet between your legs? Slow strokes, cruel pressing and harsh kicks intermingling as they play around with you for their own entertainment?

and i am very weak.
Feb 28
i want to get you to kneel on the floor and put my thumb in your mouth. grab your chin with my thumb pressing down on your tongue and move your head around. examine your chin line, your cheeks, hair, nose shape, everything. make you feel your own lack of control

and i am very weak.
Jan 6
Replying to
sitting on his chest. the lower half of his body is restrained and i can put my body weight on his arms to easily restrain the rest of his limbs. a power position andd also very intimate

and i am very weak.
Dec 7, 2021
grab your hair and gently pull your head back until it’s slightly uncomfortable. then take two of your fingers and put them right under your chin next to your throat. thats where i will kiss you. where your jugular beats.

and i am very weak.
Nov 13, 2021
Replying to
wrists behind back and rigged to neck rope is super hard
the rhythmic moan that starts when they sink under. the signal of surrendering their control.
having him at my feet while i work

i love putting my fingers into their mouths and making them gag.

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The story of the Determined Dominatrix

For those who are curious about how a bdsm session goes, an excellent account of a dominant who wants to make a lasting impression on her submissive.

Start with chapter 1. (c) J R Vincente

J R Vincente

Hello readers! I am back! What does back mean? Back means that I am committing (again) to keep this blog going, and doing more than Insecure Writer’s Support Group and TMI Tuesday. Don’t worry, those aren’t going anywhere, but I want to get some more fiction out to you. So for NaNoWriMo last month, I decided to write some long-form fiction for you. I would say I aimed to write short stories, but we all know I can’t do that. It’s physically impossible for me to write something super short. So we’ll see how long it goes. The nice thing about serial fiction is that I don’t have to worry about how short or long it is. (I think my ideal length in general is novella length anyway.) So here is the first Chapter of my yet untitled story (let me know what you think of Determined Dominatrix). I’d tell…

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Acceptance by Jayden

J R Vincente

Each month, Richard and I are going to journal about a different word, inspired by Marquessa Matthews. This month is Acceptance.


I have struggled with acceptance of who I am my entire life. From my weight (too high) to my height (too short) to my kinks (too extreme) to my sexuality (too broad), I have never been able to accept myself for who I am.

I have worked hard to change that. I am blessed to have a partner (Richard) who believes in me, accepts me (and loves me) for who I am, and supports me to support myself. I don’t know how or why, but I have begun to accept myself for who I am. I have tried for a long time, but it’s clicking now, pieces falling into place. I am accepting myself as I am and changing the things about me that I don’t like…

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Size does matter for guys

Women are attracted to penises, and the bigger the better.

dimensions matter and that, while there’s no clear “Golden Penis Ratio,” girth may be more important than people realize

men attribute more importance to penis size than their females.

guys will compare their size to other guy’s
Men fear women who will size them up
Some men think size is their best asset
some guys are comfortable with their size
other guys hardly notice

for some guys, size is a measure of their masculinity

An interesting post explains how women react to size and alternative ways of sexual satisfaction

for some guys, size is just a part of the package

A penis becomes attractive when it’s attached to someone who’s attractive in other ways, or when it’s about to bring someone pleasure. Women may prefer a hung guy for a hookup but will settle for an average sized guy for a LTR.

some guys come up short in the size department

Guys with diminutive dicks may need to be more creative with their hands and tongue. A youtube video discusses size attractiveness.

ladies are looking for the total package –
even average sized guys can make up the difference with morning wood

Size in male-male relationships

Men who have sex with other men view size differently than men who have sex with women.

Justin Lehmiller noted that the size of gay men is greater than straight men.

Men with below average penises were significantly more likely to identify as “bottoms” (anal receptive) and men with above average penises were significantly more likely to identify as tops (anal insertive). …men with below average penises fared significantly worse than other men on three measures of psychosocial adjustment.

Size needed for prostate stimulus. Many guys are discovering the pleasure from the stimulation of their prostate. Pegging or use of anal toys or anal sex are the more popular methods used. Below, a diagram of the location of the prostate gland. It can be reached digitally (i.e. with fingers), or with various toys.

Guys who like PIA prefer a size that can tap the prostate gland.

Prostate toys vs. anal sex.

There are 2 schools of thought: toys have greater flexibility than pegging with rigid dildos. Others claim that anal sex is more physically satisfying.

Though prostate stimulation and anal sex can both involve anal penetration, the two sex acts are totally different. Internal prostate stimulation takes a softer touch and involves more precise movements and smaller implements, such as fingers or small toys, rather than dildos or penises. Because a penis or dildo doesn’t have as much range of motion as smaller toys or fingers do, it’s difficult to effectively massage the prostate with them.

If guys are looking for PIA (penis in anus) with other guys, length and girth are important. Length is needed to reach the prostate. Girth is useful for stimulating the anal opening which has a concentration of nerves.

Quora has a discussion of size considerations for anal sex.

Psychology of size

Male anxiety may be driven, at least in part, by penis size preferences that men assume women have. The fact is that men who are dissatisfied with the size of their penis report more problems with their sexual health and have lower sexual self-esteem. (1)

For some, size concerns can become a Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) with a symptom of small penis anxiety (SPA)

men [with BDD] are absolutely adamant in their conviction that their genitalia are too small. They insist that they have measured themselves and seem inordinately focused on such measurement. They are similarly convinced that they are incapable of pleasing a woman via intercourse, although they are, by and large, not able to cite much evidence to show that this is true. In fact, many of these men admit to having had few or no sexual experiences. There is an implication that some of the few sexual experiences had by some of these men were with prostitutes. Many may have had only a single sexual encounter. Others state that they avoid sexuality entirely as they feel deeply ashamed of their penis size. All of these men affirm the belief that women would universally treat them with contempt if they were to see them nude.

Men with BDD are more likely to have erectile dysfunction and less satisfaction with intercourse than controls but maintain their libido.

Men with BDD and SPA were more likely than the controls to attempt to alter the shape or size of their penis (for example jelqing, vacuum pumps or stretching devices) with poor reported success.

“I’ve talked to men who have never even approached anyone for a romantic relationship because they don’t believe anyone would be interested in them because of their size. I’ve talked to men who have attempted suicide because of their size.”


(1) Ryan Anderson Ph.D. Size Does Matter About the phallus obsession.

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A couple’s seaside vacation

Sensual femdom is best explained by the stories of those who practice it.

Setup: Mandy and Parker rent a beachside cottage with a deck that is exposed to the ocean and strollers. Parker kneels by Mandy as she collars him and attaches a lead. He is aroused by a pegging scenario.

Mandy arouses Parker when she tops him
She confirms that he is aroused by pleasuring her.

men need to feel convinced that renderings of the woman’s arousal aren’t fake but a representation of actual sexual excitement
They are both aroused by being seen by others.

“Healthy exhibitionism is a sex-positive celebration of the erotic” –

she demonstrates her possession of him by collaring

“a BDSM collar is the symbolism of ownership of the dom of the sub. It shows that the sub is under the complete command and control of the dom/master. In other words, when a sub is bound by a collar, s/he is bound to obey everything the master desires or orders the sub to do.”

he wants to show her his devotion and submission “Make them beg for more attention…and have them do so for a while before you give in. Since this type of domination is gentle and nurturing the only pain they should feel in this activity is the overwhelming torture of wanting to be close to you.” –
she becomes aroused by hearing his reaction to her administration of pain.
“The more pleasure you provide, the more pain your partner will be able to take. You can use this to your advantage to increase your partner’s…tolerance to pain and even to condition yourself to enjoy it.” –
he offers her the opportunity to show his submission to her to others.
A dominant woman doesn’t want a sub that is ashamed of his preference or their relationship…If you judge yourself and your desires, she will think you’re doing this to her. Be proud to be submissive.

This short story illustrates a “hedonistic” femdom relationship. Parker tries to be the best “sub” he can be. Mandy encourages Parker to pleasure her while she is directing and controlling the activity. Parker is aroused by pleasing Mandy. They explore sensual femdom together in a sexual submissive relationship where “the dominant person is taking charge and giving sexual orders to the submissive partner” ( )

Sensual domination, or loving domination, is a D/s relationship where instead of relying on degrading statements and acts to ‘prove’ their worth to their Dominant, they perform acts of service in order to receive praise and affection from their Dominant.

having the dom bring their sub’s head closer to their sweet spots, nestling it in such a way that both partners experience a sexual build-up
sensual bdsm emphasizes erotic sensations

this type of play uses the body’s senses as a way to arouse and provide stimulation. During sensation play, an altered state is induced by over stimulating or depriving the use of one or more of your partner’s senses — touch, sight, taste or hearing

Playing Outside: Under Her Control Kindle Edition

by Henrietta Soto 

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Are guys motivated by their libido? – the erotica premise

The best erotica for a guy is what gets him off. Does the libidinous impulse translate to real life? Can your partner really do as well as your fantasy?

Dean rents out his spare bedroom to Tara. Tara relaxes in his apartment and shows some skin. Dean gets aroused. Tara finds him getting off with her underwear. She senses his submissive side and seduces him with her dominance.

his arousal shows her that he likes to be dominated
erotica involves a buildup and a release of sexual tension
The first reaction to his libido is denial
libido is enhanced by a tease and promise if he would do what she wanted

As libido wanes he vacillates between what he really wants and what it will take to get it
his libido reasserts itself as she reminds him of his deeper need
his mind hesitates but his desires overrides his reluctance to go forward with her
his body capitulates to his desires

The erotic catharsis happens, his mind is cleared of doubts. If he repeats this experience many times with her, will he commit and continue to live with her?

In the end, Tara controls the sex with Dean her way by arousing him through her domination.

Under Her Heel: A Femdom Erotica Kindle Edition

by Dina Daring 

Under Her Heel: A Femdom Erotica by Dina Daring

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

A short story about how Tara moves in with Dean. As roommates, she lives in his apartment scantily clad, while he steadily gets the hots for her. She finds him with her underwear and orders him to please her, discovering what makes him aroused: “deep down you want me to take control…you want to be disciplined…you need to obey what I tell you”. The story ends with a mutually enjoyable climax. As a short story it lacks dominance between Tara and Dean, but as erotica it gets to the point quickly. Unlike typical erotica, it has just one small typo (“food” for “foot”) and is well written. Try this sampler and watch for other writing from this author.

View all my reviews

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Why guys should wear underwear

Underwear does more than keep your privates bouncing around all over the place. Underwear has become a fashion statement that may attract your partner in intimate settings

Underwear can be useful for hanging out during casual intimate encounters


Here are 11 reasons you should keep wearing underwear instead.


Chafing is a skin irritation that occurs when skin repeatedly rubs against skin or clothes. You’re putting yourself at risk of irritating your boys every time you go commando. The fabric of your pants, jeans, or shorts could be abrasive to your groin. Such clothes aren’t usually designed to be particularly gentle on this sensitive body part, unlike underwear.

As a second layer of clothing, underwear also serves as a barrier between your groin and the potentially irritating material, ensuring your package remains safe.


Officially called tinea cruris, crotch rot is a skin infection caused by wearing tight or wet clothes. As long as you keep yours clean, wearing underwear reduces your risk of getting crotch rot. Underwear absorbs sweat well, unlike pants, jeans, and shorts in general, keeping your boys dry.

Some underwear is made of sweat-wicking fabric (e.g., modal, micro modal, Tencel) which absorb and make sweat evaporate easily. Wearing such underwear greatly reduces your risk of getting crotch rot.

  1. YOU’LL LESS LIKELY HAVE PARTICULARLY EMBARRASSING SWEAT STAINS Apart from absorbing sweat well, underwear acts as a second layer of clothing that traps and prevents your sweat from staining your pants, jeans, or shorts.

You never know when you’ll want to dance for a friend


To avoid unwittingly showing more than you’d like, always wear underwear.

In case your pants fall down…you’ll be protected by your underwear

Clothes become fragile if you keep them for many years. Old clothes could break anytime. How mortifying it will be if your pants suddenly split in public. It won’t be so awful if you were wearing underwear. To be safe, always wear some.


How many times have you tried to shake your willy dry but still have a few drops in your drawers? You might’ve lost count already. There are many ways to avoid having this accident but men still suffer from it. It will get worse with age. To avoid unwittingly staining your front, always wear underwear.


Junior isn’t your only body part that leaks. So does your derriere. It’s called accidental bowel leakage (ABL). Incontinence, old age, and certain ailments, and food cause ABL. The discharge will show if you go commando, so to save yourself from having such a humiliating accident, always wear underwear.


Advocates of going commando swear it’s much more comfortable than wearing underwear. But many people say you have to get used to it first, so their claim isn’t entirely true.


Going commando leaves you with nothing but your own devices for seduction if you get lucky. No matter how hot you are, you could offend your partner if you come to the party with no drawers. Some people think it’s creepy.

if you’re gonna party…wear some underwear!
be sure your underwear covers your butt

guys! where’s the party??

if it’s pants optional…be sure to have your underwear on
you may need your underwear to attract someone
shake that thing!
choose underwear that lets your privates hang out comfortably

Underwear Fashions

maybe you’ll want underwear that matches your partner

basic wear for everyday use

match her bikini

stretch to fit

a tasteful way to display your package

underwear to flatter your derrière
cowboys can be fashionable
cowboys prefer ‘tighty-whities’ for the ranch…
but cowboys will dress up occasionally

cowboys may need some support when riding

There is also underwear designed to enhance your goods. An example is bulge-enhancing briefs. You can’t enjoy the benefits of such underwear if you decide to stop wearing underwear.


There is also underwear that lets you do role-play in the bedroom. An example is an underwear for go-go boys. Wearing such underwear will be great for a sultry show for your partner, which is sure to spice things up. Doing away with underwear leaves you with no opportunity to have such fun. How boring is that?

be sure to wear your underwear when you strip for your partner

The psychological effect of wearing underwear

Men’s underwear has to keep you comfortable from sunup to after dark. Function and support are key. However, a well designed, stylish set of underwear can set you apart. They can turn heads if they peak out at the club or about town. They can boost your confidence when you’re feeling down. Everyone in the world is faking it until they make it; don’t downplay the importance of looking and acting the part! Invest in your confidence and style from the foundation up. Amazing clothes over sagging old briefs isn’t going to make you feel like a new man every morning. Get men’s underwear that can stand up to your expectations.

Guys often wonder about the eternal question: boxers, briefs or trunks

The answer to the question «Boxers, trunks or briefs?» has therefore been multiple and contradictory. It is a symptom of an ongoing rewriting of male identity and aesthetics that is unhinging those prescribed categories that made briefs something at once old-fashioned, effeminate, and vulgar; classic boxers the epitome of masculinity; and trunks the unmemorable middle ground. It is precisely the latter category that remains the most popular: according to projections in a 2019 report, the trunks and boxer briefs were by far the best-selling category in the world as well as the one with the highest growth. It’s a type of performance that fits well with Aaron Gell’s definition of tight-fitting boxers in the pages of Hemispheres magazine in 2010, namely «one of the greatest apparel revolutions of the century». When they exploded in the early ’90s, thanks to Calvin Klein and his menswear director John Varvatos, boxer briefs were the middle ground between boxers, comfortable but associated with the lower classes, and the classic but outdated briefs, linked as much to the Boomer generation as to queer culture. A first example of these tight-fitting boxer briefs, in fact, had already appeared in 1980 with the cult movie American Gigolo in which Richard Gere wore a pair of short, semi-adherent boxer briefs designed by Giorgio Armani that became immediately popular at the time.

Tips: When going on a date always carry an extra pair of underwear.

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Monogamy: A lost foundation for intimacy

The downside of #polyamory is it might not be right for you. Here is an account from one who has tried it and didn’t like it for many reasons.




The advantages of FWB (also known as F…Buddy) are:

1.  It is not an avoidance of relationships – Contrary to some critics, having a fuck buddy is not the indulgence of some intimacy-avoidant, emotionally-stunted, horn-dog selfish clod.  It is a different type of sexual and emotional relationship, perhaps based more on fondness than on love, or perhaps a “love” that is more fraternal. 

2.  It can be the combination of sexuality and camaraderie without the components of long-term romance and domesticity – For some people, such as those with long-distance partners, having a fuck buddy means having some in-person companionship for local outings and recreation, and even sexual expression, but without the commitment and domestic component of a partner/spouse relationship.  It’s “relationship lite”. 

3.  Can be a coping strategy for long-distance relationships – Long-distance relationships can be a result of work projects (even overseas), which I see in my practice in Los Angeles for people away on TV or film set locations, or the result of school/training programs, health care treatment, caring for a distant relative’s health or settling their estate, or military deployment.  Open negotiation of the ground rules during the absence is better than unilaterally violating a monogamy agreement without discussion, or abstaining and resenting the physical/emotional harm that can come with deprivation.   

4.  Can be a bridge between class or cultural issues that really might get in the way of a primary relationship – For some fuck buddies, there can be issues of class or culture that might make having a long-term relationship untenable or very difficult (think Sybil and Tom on “Downton Abbey”). 

5.  Is a collaborative way to get needs met that have inherent limitations; is an exchange of favors – So many human interactions involve a negotiated exchange of favors based on mutual needs, and each fuck buddy relationship has unique parameters that make it work.  

6.  Is not for everyone, but it CAN BE for some people; it’s ok to embrace it as much as it is to reject it soundly – Sexual self-empowerment means saying yes when you want to say yes, and no when you want to say no.  If you want to say yes to a fuck buddy relationship with another consenting adult, as an autonomous adult with control and dominion over your own body, you get to make that choice (although if you have a primary partner, this must be a very frank discussion in order to avoid a ton of hurt, resentment, misunderstanding, abandonment, and even rage). 

7.  Supports a global benevolent idea of brotherhood …having a fuck buddy can be an example of benevolence, non-violence, and camaraderie in the Brotherhood of Man.  This is all part of the solution, not the problem. 

8.  It’s practice later on for a “real” commitment, in incremental gain/baby steps … Having a fuck buddy might not be a “deep” commitment in romance and domesticity, but it can be a way of exploring relating to another person that is somewhere between being single and being partnered.  For some people, these incremental steps help build their confidence to tolerate a commitment and equip them for a long-term relationship with mutual responsibility. 

9.  Self-empowering sexually, trying different things without feeling “embarrassed” with a partner; exploring one’s own body and likes/dislikes of sensation – While communicating with a primary partner is essential to a good sex life, having a fuck buddy can be an opportunity to explore your sexual interests and fantasies in a lower-stakes situation.  Some people who are shy about telling their partner their sexual fantasies, especially the kinkier ones, might be more uninhibited with a lower-stakes fuck buddy.  It really “shouldn’t” work that way, but it does, and we have to deal in reality.  By being free to explore in a certain “sexual laboratory” situation, you can identify your likes and dislikes and not have to switch to “who’s-cooking-dinner” mode right after. 

10.  Can bridge differences in sexual orientations … having a fuck buddy can be a way for a man who is “straight” publicly or bisexual to get the “other half” of his sexual and even social needs met.  This is particularly controversial, but all gay men have some idea about this.  Many men can be ambivalent or conflicted about how they identify sexually.  Some might feel a pressure to conform to heterosexual norms, others might quite selfishly want to ride the coat-tails of heterosexual privilege and have their, uh, “cake”, too … The fuck buddy relationship can also help a conflicted guy move closer down the spectrum to living as an “out” gay man, but in a gentle and gradual process that feels right for him. 

11.  Can help other specific situations – The fuck buddy relationship can be a resource for a gay man in early recovery from crystal meth, who is used to the “party-and-play” (PNP) scene, to practice having sober sex with a no-judgment, experimental, low-stakes, fail-safe atmosphere…. The fuck buddy relationship can also help someone with a disability or injury to be sexual again in their own way, even if they don’t have a primary relationship yet….This can be for guys who have been injured in a vehicle, sports, or industrial accident, or as a combat veteran who uses prosthetics. 

12.  Can allow for specific sexual interests (BDSM, fetishes) to be fulfilled  — There are times when everything else in a relationship is great – the emotional, the sexual, and the domestic – but certain sexual interests go unfulfilled.  Having a fuck buddy who provides a certain “outsourced” activity, such as BDSM or other kink play, can be a way for that partner to be fulfilled without burdening his partner to do something he really doesn’t like. 

13.  Can be a way to manage sexual incompatibilities – The fuck buddy relationship can also “outsource” situations where the couple gets along fine in most ways, but perhaps a strict top is partnered to a versatile bottom.  For the versatile bottom to be able to top once in a while might require a fuck buddy who is happy to oblige.  This can also be the case when a partner is fulfilled in every way in the relationship except perhaps wanting to fulfill his “size queen” interests.  Outsourcing this to a well-endowed fuck buddy occasionally can fulfill the desire and then get back to regular domestic/sexual life.  This prevents frustrations from building and can resolve tension or even unspoken resentments in a relationship. 

14.  [a f-buddy relationship] actually strengthens your regular [mono] relationship because one “sees what’s out there” and learns to appreciate the relief when [you’re finally back to your regular partner].  When you are together again after an absence, it’s all the sweeter to revisit the familiarity and intimacy you have built for years, and they never take each other for granted.

(1) If trying to figure out your sexual and relationship dynamics by yourself feels overwhelming or confusing, therapy or coaching with a gay-affirmative, sex-positive therapist/coach can help.  For more information on how that works with me, text/call 310-339-5778, or email me at, and we can discuss your options.

The Journey of A Man in Search of Self and Belonging (but open to any other shit he might find along the way)!

“Don’t knock it until you have tried it.”

This phrase can be a double-edged sword. Here is what I have learned from my own meandering experience in the gay dating world. Many of the men I meet don’t want monogamy. Grindr, Scruff and the other gay apps are filled with men that are married (sorry ladies…most of these men are married to women, too), in a relationship, or in an open relationship. While I have watched all the documentaries on gay dating, polyamory, open relationships, everything from Real Sex to Polyamory, I have heard all the explanations and rationale about from those who explore those sexual modalities. I just have to call BULLSHIT!

Sharing of love and sharing a commitment have just been something that have gone hand in hand for me. Perhaps it is because I was married for 19 years prior, perhaps it was watching my parents who…

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D/s burnout, Part II: What do we do about it?

a relationship based on dominance and submission can often lead to burnout…what are the symptoms and what do you do about it

sometimes doing the same thing can be tiring

What is burnout?  Regardless of your position in the lifestyle you can become burnt out.  Burnout is often also called Dom fatigue, or sub fatigue, and thought of as an extended drop.  Honestly though you can experience a form of this even without having a partner. It is simply the feeling that you’ve had too much of the lifestyle for a time and you cannot find the energy or zeal that you used to have regularly to continue.  And it’s not just a feeling of oh I’m tired after this scene, it’s a deeper more resounding, I want nothing to do with this in my life right now feeling. So for those who are really committed to the lifestyle or a particular relationship the feeling can be devastating.  I really always compare burnout in the lifestyle to that of the workplace, if you don’t take a vacation for a long time you can get burnt out and the same applies here.

Many longer term D/s couples (and short term couples, too) often suffer from what I call “BDSM burnout.” Why burnout happens is simple enough. Domming (and subbing) ain’t easy. It takes work, energy and time. Sometimes the BDSM relationship can start to become a chore rather than a joy. It can be the submissive who has “had it up to here” with pleasing her Dominant. It can be the Dominant who finds that the effort he/she must put into being the Master/Mistress outweighs the rewards. It can be a combination of the two.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer that most things BDSM related are taking a massive toll on my mental health, personal energy levels, and overall outlook on my kink future. Simply put, I’m burned out. I had to step back from offering kink-related coaching services, let go some of kink-based writing spots, and really take the time to honestly say, ‘You’re trying to do too much right now.

Slut, Ph.D.

Looking inwards, looking back: What people said they wished they’d done and known

When I asked people what they wished they had done and known in retrospect, their answers were heartbreaking (and again, painfully familiar). There were common themes of (1) Lacking self-knowledge–both not understanding what they needed to be fulfilled as doms and subs, and also not understanding when they were experiencing burnout (2) Failing to successfully communicate about problems in the relationship/dynamic (3) Believing “this” was the best they were going to get and later finding out they could, in fact, get much better (4) Admitting when things weren’t going well and seeking help from others in the community.

I am quoting these accounts at length because I think there is a lot of wisdom in each one, and all weave together some or all of the themes I’ve just highlighted:

From M (sub woman): I wish I…

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D/s burnout, postscript: An aside about gender

why do submissive guys bail on femdom relationships more often than women…some thoughts

real life femdom couple Archives | Femdom Training | Femdom Hypnosis

A submissive man lives for you, his opinion no longer counts, or at least counts significantly less. His deepest fantasies will be about being dominated by a woman. I can assure you the mental pleasure a submissive man receives is different from a man that isn’t submissive. To him, it is about cerebral gratification which leads to sexual arousal.

The most difficult part of any relationship is genuine intimacy. In vanilla relationships, the lack of real intimacy almost inevitably leads misery. In Domme/submale relationships the problem is orders of magnitude greater, because the objectification is a hugely effective way of avoiding true intimacy. It is all role-playing. Hopefully, it’s enjoyable to both parties, but it masks the self.

Slut, Ph.D.

You will note as you read the previous two posts that I have recorded people’s gender and d/s roles in their comments. That’s because years of sociological study of the scene have taught me that gender and BDSM roles overlap in some very complicated ways. As a mostly-dom woman who has mostly been in d/s relationships with people who were raised as men, I expected to see tales of d/s burnout coming disproportionately from cis men subs. I don’t have a large enough sample to back that up (and there are so few of them anyway that I would need a rather enormous sample to try to accumulate that). But the gendered dynamics of BDSM roles definitely seemed be working against cis men subs here in some pretty severe ways that would make them more likely to burn out.

(1) They’re working against their socially gendered roles in a serious…

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