Can you be addicted to sex?

When three is not enough…you may be addicted

Some say sex-addiction is just an excuse for immoral behavior; others contend it’s real and difficult to stop.

The author describes how she found thousands of sex partners from cruise ships to the internet

In Confessions of a Female Sex Addict , Diamond Sky writes:

The internet has made dating so much easier and conquests are an easy click away. 1, 2, or 3 in a day is easy for me. ..I would consider 5 or 6 to be pushing it. [being faithful to 1 guy] seems impossible to me. ..I know I’m addicted to sex.

In Fast Girl: Suzy’s Story
Suzy Favor Hamilton writes:

I saw a general physician who could tell that I was clearly not well, and was prescribed a new anti-depressant…
within weeks of taking this new drug was that I suddenly craved sex.

I started taking lots of trips to Las Vegas and soon started paying for sex. I would have multiple rendezvous with men and women during quick trips to Las Vegas, my newfound playground that stimulated my senses. I would progressively up the ante. Threesomes. Sex in public. And soon, I was secretly having sex for money. Seeking risk, thrill and taboo, and it was never quite enough. I was insatiable. I would run a half marathon in one state in the morning and fly to Vegas that afternoon to live my secret life as an escort that evening. All the while my husband and daughter were back home in Wisconsin. Completely unfazed, I would soon become one of Vegas’ most sought after escorts. I loved the life I had created, the rush–and I felt it could last forever. 




Jenny’s* boss had just left the office to grab lunch when she felt the overwhelming urge to start touching herself.

Convinced she was abnormal for her inability to orgasm, Jenny bought her first vibrator at the age of 17.

‘I remember locking myself in my room one day, lying down on my bed, and being determined to make myself cum. When I did for the first time, it felt amazing. From then on, I got into a routine of using my vibrator at least five or six times a day.’

Surrounded by her colleagues – one was sat less than two metres away – the then 29-year-old slowly slid her right hand up her skirt, down the front of her tights and gently began rubbing her clitoris.

It took approximately 10 minutes for her to orgasm.

‘If I hadn’t masturbated at that moment, I don’t know what I’d have done,’ she tells ELLE UK.

When Jenny met her boyfriend last year, he was almost six months into a celibacy agreement with a counselor treating him for sex addiction. Just two weeks after their first date, however, her partner relapsed and it wasn’t long before the pair became regulars on the local sex club scene.

‘The first time I went [to a sex club] I was a bit nervous,’ Jenny admits. ‘When I walked in the door, I saw a woman lying on a table with six different men wanking over her body while she gave someone a blow job. I thought it was beautiful.’

At the height of their addiction, Jenny and her boyfriend were spending four nights a week at sex clubs and have spent close to £2,000 over the last year on entry charges alone.

‘If we had the chance to go to sex clubs all day, we would,’ she admits, saying the only obstacle is childcare for her young daughter from a previous relationship.

Recalling one orgy with at least 10 men and women and several onlookers, Jenny says: ‘I remember a mass of bodies and hands touching me all over the place. At one point, my boyfriend put a foot over my vagina to stop people entering me without a condom. I can proudly say I’ve never had an STI in my life.’


Michael Herkov, Ph.D writes:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For many sex-addicts, the more sex they have, the less interesting each encounter becomes. They seek out more interesting sexual activities, scenarios, etc.

the problem some people have when they act out sexually in ways they feel they cannot control, and which are detrimental to their health and relationships.

Sex addiction of any kind is marked by a loss of control: the person can no longer control the compulsion to have sex, despite negative consequences. Compulsive masturbation, compulsive pornography use, and multiple affairs are a few types of behaviors that evidence this lack of control.5 Keep in mind that one sign or symptom on its own does not equal proof that a person necessarily has a sex addiction. Typically, multiple symptoms need to occur simultaneously to indicate a sex addiction and cause significant distress to you and disruption to your life.

There is controversy surrounding the addiction aspect as well as the historic “sex shaming” that accompanies the term.

More recently, psychologists have suggested the term “hypersexuality” .

Research has shown that this criteria is a valid and reliable way of identifying hypersexuality.

For a period of at least six months:

  • An individual experiences recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, sexual urges, or sexual behaviors
  • The time spent engaging in sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors consistently interferes with other important activities and obligations
  • Sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors occur in response to dysphoric mood states (anxietydepression, boredom, irritability) or stressful life events
  • An individual engages in consistent but unsuccessful efforts to control or reduce their sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors
  • An individual engages in sexual behaviors while disregarding the potential for physical or emotional harm to self or others
  • The frequency or intensity of sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors cause significant personal distress or impairment

12-step programs.

For ongoing aftercare, there are several 12-step programs designed to address the specific needs of people with sex addictions. These programs, including Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous, use the same principles found in other well-known 12-step addiction programs. Just as with Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, participants attend regular meetings and receive recovery wisdom and support from a program sponsor.

Different from the abstinence-based goals of drug and alcohol treatment, though, the goal for those with sex addiction is not complete abstinence, but rather a return to healthy sexual behavior.

Is sex-addiction a myth?

In The Myth of Sex Addiction, Dr. Ley contends:

“when we apply the core concepts of addiction to…sexuality, we find significant gaps that make it extremely difficult to justify sexual behaviors as a form of addition” (29)

“Patterns are seen in many…cultures where men routinely demonstrate their virility and masculinity tjrpugh dexual promiscuity with mistresses and prostitutes” (113)

Of Swingers he quotes one who claims: “Our sensual appetite is healthier/stronger than the average person…We experience life at a totally different level…Our fantasies come true! It’s euphoric & addictive. I am in the [swinging] lifestyle b/c I am intellectually stimulated by it’s members, and physically stimulated through participation. (117)

the scientific community is so robustly challenging to the lack of research behind sex addiction that I would be extremely surprised if anyone could legitimately that sex addiction is generally accepted in the field. (138)

men are constrained by the social expectations placed upon them, by the rigidity of the roles they are forced to assume, as women are. Men do not rule society but exist within it, just as women do (199)

We must start asking the men in our lives…to take responsibility for their sexual behaviors…[to] offer them a context in which they can take responsibility, in which male sexuality is understood…[to] offer them a context where high libido…is not seen as an unhealthy thing, but as an aspect of a person…which they must integrate…within their lives (216)

 [sex addiction is] a disorder that has wrested responsibility away from philandering men and excused their bad behavior as being out of their control.

He takes on those who would label it a disease and challenges us to reexamine our approach to male sexuality.

Despite the lack of any scientific research, many seek out professional help for what they are convinced is their sex addiction. Psychotherapists, psychiatrists, sex therapists and other social counselors offer therapies similar to treating compulsive disorders. For example,

Robert Weiss PhD, MSW


 I have seen thousands of individuals whose sexual behaviors satisfy every criteria of addiction.

These individuals—both men and women—act on those sexual behaviors repeatedly and, once headed down that path, without the ability to stop. They also develop a tolerance to their sexual activities, most often causing them to engage in those behaviors for longer periods of time or to seek out more intensely arousing situations, images, etc.

To say that these people are not suffering from an addiction is to deny reality.



Many seek a remedy for sex addiction without the aid of practitioners.

Most of the self-help advice calls on the reader to pull himself together, think about other non-sexual thoughts or call on a higher power for spiritual help. An example is from Tom David 

Does porn influence sex addiction?

In SEXUAL ADDICTION NO MORE: Proven Strategies to Overcome Sexual Addiction

The reason why human are addicted to sex is because they channel their energy on it. You can channel your energy to things that will be beneficial and profitable to you. Life is not only about money, food and sex. There are many other good things in life, many people believe money is everything in life, other people believe they cannot go without food. There was a point in life that I was so obsess about food, I always ensure I eat. Over the years I have come to realize that the most important thing in life is peace. Some people we tell you that the most important thing in life is money. Money is important but the most important is peace. When you are engaging inappropriate sexual activities you lose your peace because of the feeling of guilt and shame. This away the universe is telling us that it is harmful to us. We all need money because it will help us to leave a better life. We should not play with peace because it is very important. Stay away from things that will not give you peace like inappropriate sexual activities and unhealthy relationship

What you need to understand you can quit inappropriate sexual activities; all you need to do is to do the right thing. Probably your mind has made you to understand that you cannot stop the addiction. The truth is you can stop sexual addiction, I have seen people that were so addicted to drugs that work on their self to become clean. Your mind can tell you that you can’t quit inappropriate sexual activities. What you need to understand is that every human being has an inner power. The universe has given every human inner power to change anything in their life. The universe is working for you; the thing is the universe can’t do everything for you because you need to play your part in order for things to go your way. You need to use your inner power to change your thought to the one you desire. Think of other things you enjoy other than inappropriate sexual activities. There are many positive things we enjoy on earth; you can use inner power that has been given to you to change your life. You have the power to push your life to the direction you want it to go.

To quit sexual addiction one of the things you need to do is to stop the watching of porn, it may not be easy at first when you start working on yourself with time you will begin to make progress

There are lots of things that can cause sexual addiction one of them is the desire for pleasure. We humans will love pleasure that is why will are attracted to sexual implicit materials. The pleasure we derived from inappropriate sexual activities is not beneficial for us that is why we have the feeling of guilt and shame. We keep on doing things that lead to sexual addiction this is because of pleasure. You see lots of people can spend hour’s online watching pornography materials and video because they want to satisfy their sexual desires. When we begin to engage in sexual activities it begins to affect our thought and our thought affect our thinking. The kind of thought we will be thinking is to engage in more sexual activities which is not of help to us. The more time you spend in inappropriate sexual activities the more the mind and brain we demand for it. One of the ways you can stop sexual addiction is to ensure you do not engage inappropriate sexual activities. If you are the kind of person that spends time in the internet find away to abstain from pornography materials because the more you view these things, the more they affect you

Other advise a more holistic approach. For example, Dr. Trafford writes

In Sex Addiction: Life-Changing Ways to Eliminate Sex Addiction, Relieve Sex Cravings, and get Rid of Negative Thoughts

Sex Addiction: Life-Changing Ways to Eliminate Sex Addiction, Relieve Sex Cravings, and get Rid of Negative Thoughts by [Trafford, Dr. Xavior]

One frequent recurrence you see in sex addiction is the gravitation towards domination and/or submission. Now, we will look briefly into the science of this, but the fundamental point to be aware of is that this is a result of your cravings and out of control urges. Porn addiction can lead to the dom-sub addiction, as can perpetual desires and lustful eyes. When you see those you are attracted to in a lustful way, this creates a repetition in your mind. This repetition perpetuates and evolves and eventually, you begin to pick up on aspects of the collective psyche. Remember, your brain is a powerful transmitter and receiver of consciousness and we are all connected through a shared psyche. It is like a chain reaction; you become so accustomed to seeing one type of image or visual (via porn scenes or through your mental desire projections) and this begins to affect your emotions, inner physiology and spiritual awareness (the awareness of higher values and being connected to others). This, in turn, shifts your brain to a certain ‘channel,’ a certain frequency and thus you begin to tune in to the vibrations being emitted from this channel.

In terms of domination and submission, there will always be a natural element of these energies in any healthy, loving and passionate partnership (relationship) as it is part of the collective shadow and psyche; human nature has a dark side. Yet in relationships, this dark side is not that dark at all when explored in a loving, mutually respectful and intimate way. Allowing yourself or your partner to express their dominatrix side can be very healing and can develop trust, a deeper bond and a deeper love and respect for one another. The same is true for submission. However, outside of a loving, mutually respectful relationship where dom-sub fantasies run wild and there is a real lack of caring for the other, this may not be the case. Furthermore, allowing these energies to run wild with lack of caring and intimacy can lead to extremist sexual tendencies such as sadism and masochism. Sadism can be seen as the evolved form of domination and masochism the evolved form of submission. Both involve a lot of pain and suffering when the individual is not in their ‘character’ and is more connected to their authentic self and emotional body. It is important therefore to recognize that you have certain needs, desires and fantasies but to express them in the right way. Turning to porn, meaningless one night stands or prostitution, where your need to dominate is exerted in a less than holy or positive way, is not healthy. It keeps you trapped in the cycle and affects the neurons in your brain, therefore having a negative and destructive effect on your emotions, well-being and all subsequent thoughts and daily realities. Domination and submission should only be performed when developing trust with an equal and exploring yourself either in a playful or healing way. Simultaneously, if you are in a partnership where one of you has permanently taken on a dominant or submissive role, then this too can be unhealthy. There are many dynamics to this; however, the key is to focus on what you do want and not what you don’t. Keep your thoughts and intentions positive and engage in the sexual healing and touch techniques for couples shared earlier. This will help you stay connected to the real love and bond you share and not some destructive desire to dominate your partner or be submissive to their will. There is only pain, repressed emotions and hidden suffering here. Society, Patriarchy and the Masculine

Playing with your partner will allow you to explore each other on many levels and explore each other’s boundaries simultaneously. Playful foreplay also allows you to change your mindset towards sex and passion as ‘playfulness’ increases feelings of friendship, platonic bond and lightheartedness. Playfulness can, therefore, help alleviate the seriousness associated with sex cravings and some of the other acts associated, such as domination, rough sex and fantasies. Mindful foreplay essentially allows you to develop sensuality due to the patience and ‘taking it slowly’ element involved. When you are mindful, you are considerate and attentive to your partner’s needs and also better aware of your own needs. Mindfulness in foreplay and pleasure will enable you to recognize the parts of yourself which don’t just desire senseless, hardcore stimulation or lustful, secretive naughtiness. There are parts of you that crave sensual touch, gentle stimulation and depth of feeling. These can all shine through and be brought to light with mindful and sensual foreplay.

One of the best ways to heal your sexuality and develop positive associations is to engage in controlled masturbation. Self-pleasure is the best term to use and something you may benefit from shifting your consciousness to. Masturbation can have many negative connotations, mainly due to its links with porn and impurity. Changing your mindset to self-pleasure, therefore, and engaging in it in regular cycles can greatly help overcome any addictions or unhealthy cravings.

Concluding remarks. Sex addiction may be very real for some. Professional organizations such as the APA have not accepted it as a personality disorder. Nevertheless, people afflicted seek help. The absence of a diagnosis and a standard treatment provides opportunities for many to prescribe a myriad of therapies. Until the disorder is classified, it’s a “buyer beware” situation.

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Can a femdom marriage succeed?

Relationships often establish their dynamic as they begin

Many women contend that a femdom marriage cannot last very long, or it is just a male fantasy.

June is the month for transitions. People move, graduate, get married.
Mar, Sara & I have attended many same-sex wedding events of our friends. Soon we will be attending a “heterosexual” wedding event if all goes to plan.

I first met Ryan about a year ago. He stayed until closing and was a little bit drunk. He told me that he was interested in Michelle, one of our regulars.
I had dated Michelle before I met Mar. She preferred to be in control of the relationship. Not just assertive, but total control. Dates with her often ended like a session with a dominatrix in a dungeon. I warned Ryan about this quirk of dates with her. He said he was OK with that.
When Michelle came into the bar, I told her Ryan would like to meet her. I showed her his Fetlife profile . She seemed interested and suggested a time that she would return to the bar. I told Ryan to come by at that time to meet her.
When Ryan stopped in, I introduced him to Michelle. I’m not really a matchmaker; I just make introductions. Ryan and Michelle went to a table in the back, talked for a while and left.
The next evening Ryan got wasted at the bar. I asked him how it went.
“You don’t want to know about it,” he said, “just give me another drink”.
I told him I was about to close the bar.
“Man, I don’t know what to make of the woman you introduced me to last night,” he said.
“You mean Michelle?”
“Yeah, her. We went to her place. We had a few drinks and she started kissing me.”
“She was all over me, pulling my shirt off and pushing my pants down,” he continued. “Then she said she wanted to tie my hands behind my back. I didn’t mind a little kink, so I went for it. She started slapping me hard and pushed me on the bed.”
“We got ‘intimate’. What do you call it? Pogging?”
“Yeah, that’s it. I told her I wasn’t into that.”
“What happened next?”
“She kicked me out of her place.”
“Game over, then?”
“No. I hope not. I just wasn’t ready. What should I do?”
“You want to have another date?”
He did. I told him to text her immediately and tell her how he felt about it. Tell her something like he was caught by surprise but he’d really want to see her again.

I looked at his profile again and it suggested he was very much into femdom activities but no suggestion of pegging. He was looking for a “take-charge” partner who was aggressive about what she wants from a guy. Maybe Michelle thought this was an opening for her to have her way with him?

I talked with her a little later. It seemed Ryan was “ok” with pegging at first but then got a little uncomfortable when she started in on him. They had a discussion and he told her there was no way he could get his head around it as guys he hung out with thought it was a “gay thing”. She told him that would be a deal-breaker in future dates and that he should open up. He promised her he would.

Guys often have a lot of obstacles to accepting a femdom relationship because they’re afraid that they will lose their freedom and independence that they assume all guys like them enjoy.

But even guys in a “straight” relationship will have to forgo their freewheeling ways if they want the relationship to work.

Feminists will object but I believe many guys go deeper into the relationship because of the sexual rewards at first. They gradually begin to appreciate their partner for many other things she brings into the relationship.

Michelle told me that she would not hook up with a guy if he did not accept reverse sex (such as pegging) at least some of the time. A guy has to give in to activities that his partner wants if he intends to build the relationship.

Many elements of a femdom relationship are so different from what guys have been told to expect – and often not supported by their friends. It may take time for guys to process the different way of who will be leading. If a guy is determined to make the relationship work, he can overcome his ‘obstacles’.

Over the year, they’d meet in the bar and go out together. Recently they invited me to their reception.

Many in the BDSM community do not want to socialize with “straight” people whom they contend are vanilla. Most in the BDSM community are male dominant, female submissive. And yet Ryan and Michelle’s relationship is the opposite.

There are women who are naturally dominant and, if they’re ambitious, they become leaders. An elementary schoolteacher is often dominant. Mary Poppins is dominant. Why do people think dominant women are annoying or, at worst, ‘abnormal’?

There are guys who prefer the submissive role in an intimate relationship. Some feminists declare this a selfish “topping from the bottom”. Yet these guys are happiest when they are serving their female partner. Is this also ‘abnormal’?

While it is true that most guys could not withstand more than a few dates with Michelle, Ryan seemed to have found his true love and is willing to tie the knot. Who are we ( especially those in the BDSM community ) to criticize their relationship ?

“Straight” relationships are usually (e.g. clinically) defined as “heterosexual”.

The wiki defines “heterosexual” as:
Heterosexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior between persons of the opposite sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, heterosexuality is “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions” to persons of the opposite sex; it “also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.

There is no reason that the BDSM community should exclude heterosexuals because they prefer different genders. What about Christian Grey of 50 Shades?

femdom relationships have a different power dynamic than “straignt” ones

Ultimately, there are no hard and fast rules in a relationship. The partners come into it with conditions that must be met and make agreements with other matters as they proceed.

While femdom marriages may seem daunting to some, they are in many ways no different to conventional ones. You and your partner will do many things that other couples do. You will benefit from the interpersonal growth and emotional sharing that many couples experience. Although the motivations for engaging in a femdom marriage are different from “straight” ones, the benefits are similar.

Guys need not worry that their lives will be completely different if they take the plunge. They might enjoy the experience even better than a vanilla one.

Posted in bdsm, femdom, marriage, relationships | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Contemporary art link 

check out this artist! Dan Witz (1957, American) –

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Can the Kink scene be improved?

The kink community is large and diverse

What would you want changed in the kink community?


posted this inquiry:

If there’s one thing you could change about the kink community what would it be?

I collated the responses below, keeping them as close as possible to how they were originally added. To see the threads, check the tweet listed above.

I wish the kink community would be more supportive of each other instead of so competitive. The vanilla world doesn’t understand what we are doing, isn’t interested, or is downright hostile to what we do. If we don’t have each other’s back, then no one else does either.

I’m disappointed when I see others tell others how they should be playing. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. I play how I want, keep your kink shame to yourself. If it’s consensual that’s all that matters. Stop judging others play. Support and be community or get out.

I would change the cartesianism which is inherently present. Not everything has a label. There isn’t only one way of doing things. You can be several things at once. Life and kink don’t fit into neat little boxes. Let people do it their way. It may not be your way, but it’s ok

I wish that [kink] were socially acceptable and not stigmatized! There is so much more I would want to do here to develop as a FinDomme but that I never can because of the risk to my career. I feel limited in what I can achieve due to that.

I agree with this. 100% . I tried in my earlier days of kink to be more open about my BDSM. It just isn’t welcome or understood in ‘normal’ society. And isn’t conducive to a career and other aspects of life.

ProDommes are often shunned at kink parties

The stigmatization of ProDommes at many lifestyle events and clubs. When a foodie becomes a professional chef, there is no loss of love for food. We can all eat at the same table.

It would be encouraging and helpful if someone interested in the kink world in any capacity could get proper education. I see a lot of messages about learning about this due to the possibility for injury, etc….but I asked every single person I ever met in the community for guidance and I was constantly strung along. I would do as asked, always…knowing my position as a student. Yet, each time it was just a lie. Never did I get the help or education I was searching for and finally gave up on asking. Now I am just figuring it out as I go along. Sad.

Quite a few things come to mind but one that I personally am involved with trying to change in my local community is the view of a submissive male. A submissive male is NOT any less of a man than a Dominant one. For young men coming of age, it is OKAY to have submissive feelings

As women become more socially & economically dominant, it’s possible that men more open to submission may become more highly prized as potential partners.
I read somewhere on my vanilla twitter (where I follow a lot of feminists) that this is already happening in some urban milieus. Men who accept female leadership and put women’s career priorities first are in a disproportionately strong position in the market for partners.

In my country, the girls are too competitive. That much that they don’t even try to fake kindness to each other. I don’t know which option is worse…

The expectation that Dommes should know everything, and the assumption from subs that we will cater to everything if they pay enough. Never. Stop. Learning!

Re-establish the REVERENCE required for dedication to MASTERING SKILLS & honing one’s craft by DEVOTION TO LEARNING SAFE PRACTICE in safe circumstances controlled by EXPERIENCED PROS. Discard archetypal expectations/ avoid aspiring to inhabit persona. CELEBRATE TRUE SELF IDENTITY

2 things really. The view, mostly by new Dommes, that submissive men are pathetic, weak, worms etc. And the view you can just watch a tv programme pick up a ‘whip’ (usually a flogger) and be a Domme. You need to work hard & learn. It’s not quick or easy and it can be dangerous

The bitchy ice queen & pathetic worm stereotype. If it weren’t the most overdone trope in femdom, I wouldn’t have felt so conflicted about my kinks & would have taken them seriously WAY earlier. As it was, I carried a lot of angst & shame with me because it was all I saw.

submission can be fun, not shameful!

I feel the same way: it’s a fun dynamic as part of a scene, but when it’s the only public face of kink, it leads to subs feeling that being submissive is wrong and shameful. I thought for years that wanting to be dominated made me a loser because that’s the only thing I saw.

That instead of it being considered a fetish or kink it would be considered normal urges.

I agree with those that have said the negativity and lack of support for fellow dommes, we should support one another. Yes I understand the need to make money but there is no need for the nastiness and awful behaviour and comments I see

Competitiveness between females is destructive, we must must must stop this, this is the poison of the vanilla world, and we should not let it encroach into our BDSM world

What truly bothered me in the past was how selfish bottoms, slaves and subs can be, begging for my attention and suddenly ghosting to meet someone new. The perk of it? I decided to become a professional domme and couldn’t be happier about it.

The tribalism in some quarters. I was recently told I don’t belong in this community, because I’m “a knight, not a slave.”

I wish there was more diversity in D/s dynamics with regards to female dominant/male submissive. I see it in male dominant relationships, hetero and homosexual and in female to female D/s. It seems to me male submissive get pigeonholed more than any.

I’d like to see more decorum in dungeons and at parties. Goofing off is fun and has a place (like munches and social areas), but ffs can we not cultivate an atmosphere of mystique and well, dignified reverence?

Peoples fleeting judgment and inability to learn or understand from one another

some people, Dominants & submissives, are incapable of separating their real lives from their D/s personas. sometimes resulting in tragic consequences & anguish for the other party, left wondering, “what’d i do wrong?” #ghosting

Dressing up is common in kink

There is one BDSM game I do not comprehend – feminization as a form of humiliation. How can it be perceived as humiliation when a woman dresses a man up as a woman?

I wish it was more accepted in society. It seems if you want to be accepted in society you have to be in the closet

A diverse community enjoys kink

I would make kink events friendlier for newbies. There has been several times I’ve visited new Fetish clubs and been made to feel uncomfortable as a newbie.

Age discrimination also happens in some kink communities

the elitism and ageism of older people!

The bitchyness, the back stabbing, the “oh your new & have so little followers so are obviously just out of school & in it for the cash/don’t know what your doing”

Those who are new to the scene and willing to learn but are treated like crap and ignored, those who have a genuine passion for what they do but are not a “big name” so are seen as lesser beings Subs treated like shit and called worthless etc it’s all well and good

catty and bitchy comments that get me the most

educate those who wish to learn, break the stigma and don’t be so selfish sharing its beauty and its art. avoid competing with other doms instead , be helpful with those who has potentials, either its commercial or for fun.

Get rid of the people who aggressively insist that if you don’t want to be part of their community, you must be against the community.

The kink community has many shared interests

I don’t think the kink community looks out for one and other as much as they could do as got too much money flowing around in it [kink]

I would stop how certain dominatrices view submissive men I am a switch but I do enjoy as well being dominated by women as well and I think not all but some dominatrices and general public overview of sub men is very bad and can be very lonely exist if you are like that

a basic principle of Safe, Sane & Consensual should be that we are all equal as human beings. all should be treated with Respect, not discarded or mentally abused when it’s convenient for one of the parties in a D/s interaction to end things.

One person’s idea of kink might not be the same as another’s

Deffo the whorephobia/whorearchy. It is RAMPANT in many civilian kink settings. Took me quite a while to find an intersection in SW and kink communities, which is surprising given how much providers have contributed to kink in both culture and practice.

Kink is a way for people to develop friendships & intimacies

For me, it’s the “my kink is okay, but your kink is wrong” mentality that so many have. It’s one thing not to be into something, that’s fine. But don’t judge someone cause they like something ‘weird’ to you. There’s a reason there’s more than one flavor of ice cream!

dominance and submission can be a form of intimate play

Submission viewed as weakness Submission takes devotion, commitment and dedication. It asks questions of you constantly both mentally and physically, it takes courage to allow yourself to be entrusted entirely into the hands of another x

it’s better when there’s less toxic masculinity.

How Dominants should be held to a higher level of responsibility and, instead, they use the title to absolve themselves.

wish money wasn’t the most important part of femdom

I understand doms have a wish list for someone who would like to appreciate them . But some of them go on about fund my holiday , who will buy this/that for me etc. Feels undignified and manipulative .

Some people fear the kink community will subvert theirs

Some brutal kinks put me off, anything bathroom related and I’m out

Runners, all subs should have mandatory rules for disengaging!!!

Cut out the drama by certain Dommes who have some more growing up to do

The general lack of education,

Munches are a fast-disappearing way for people into kink to meet

I’d like a return to the munch days. The pre internet days to be honest. Back when it was friendly and no drama. I’d also like to see findom completely eradicated

Clique-iness. Judgement.

I wish the the wider culture outside of kink was less judgmental and more understanding

I think we have to be careful about fetishising hormonal problems. There is so much pollution that is messing up peoples hormones these days. I think it’s going to be seen as a real problem in years to come.

Access to the lifestyle (in US)

Also the cross over between kinks needs to be more recognized.Some subs are willing to pay to session but are not paypigs or into findom. Whilst financial dominance is my main kink I also enjoy other kinks as a domme. A true finsub is harder to come by these days…

The fake “Sisterhood” You are no more likely to be friends because You are both Dommes than if You both worked in a bank The phrase “Lucky slave” aarrgghh!!! Moaning about deposits Kink shaming 3 bonus points just for fun

I would change the Fact that Riggers Use Bamboo rods for Suspension and return to Metal Rings

From the left, Plum, Enigma and Piper page (all alias names) pose for fans at the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, Calif. Sunday, September 24, 2017.

The disrespect and competition between Dommes.

Kink shaming! There’s this air I get from people of “MY kink is superior to YOUR kink because xyz reasons that make you a terrible person for what you’re into. *nose in the air*”

I’d like to see do-me subs stop harassing lifestyle Dommes and go to pro Dommes. Then again… I’d turn down most do-me subs anyway. They respect no boundaries and push for freebies no matter what. So scratch that. I’d like to see do-me subs pay for porn and leave Dommes alone.

Accessibility of factual, healthy, effective kink/sex education for all, starting at any early age

More respect towards individual choices, let each other manage business however they want without throwing shit at people who do not do the same as you

Also there are some pro doms who go on about how women are superior , women should rule etc. Why can’t we just stick to feminism .

Daddy dommes. To clarify most cis straight ones. Get it together and at least try to understand consent. It isn’t hard.

The automatic assumption by some Dommes/Doms that an unowned sub is theirs.

It [kink] would be treated more professionally like a socially connected business, and less like a slumber party at a sorority

I wish that clientele/submissives would realize that Dominants are more versatile human beings than what’s in their fantasies. We don’t come with latex grafted onto our skin. We have moments of emotional drops. We are more than just kinky service providers.

Competitiveness. Stay in Your own lane Ladies.

That the kink comunity was 100 percent kinksters, and not 20 percent ppl that saw 50 shades and fuck up parties for everyone else.

No more cyber bullying, stop gaslighting kinky Queer/Trans People with Disabilities & be more inclusive to Trans People of Color. That’s one idea. Oh, and make BDSM more accessible to everyone with various disabilities. We should all be united, not divided. And fuck competition.

Man-hating ‘feminists’ who use femdom to push their agenda

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Position, Role, and Fetishism

domme with a leash & collar

a submissive presents a leash attached to her collar to a dominant. Is she a Dominant fetishist?

Many people obtain a glimpse into the world of BDSM by attending munches, events and parties. They often come out of these experiences feeling left out of the effect they were looking for. Often they blame practitioners for letting them down.

Part of the reason for this let down is that novices usually do not know what they want. Experienced people expect them to communicate specific requests before they initiate activities.

Understanding the meaning and differences between Position, Role, and Fetishes can help a person determine what they really want in a BDSM relationship before they waste the time of other practitioners . Here is an example of how subtle these differences can be:

a man who identifies as a “submissive” and wants a “Dominant” woman that dresses, acts, feels, and speaks in the way that he desires. In actuality, this man is fetishizing a woman who he would like to control into being what he wants her to be. So, this man who thinks he’s a “sub” is actually a Dominant fetishist. If he wants her to do things to him, such as “tease and denial”, he’s also a bottom. If he wants to do things to her, such as body worship, he’s also a top. This relates to what we call “topping from the bottom“, a misnomer that really refers to “Dominating from the submissive role”.

“Many men seem to find the idea of being controlled by a woman to be sexually arousing, but the actuality of it is not what they are really looking for. ” – influenced by media (e.g. porn) – clarification of femdom, fetish, etc.

Mistress Tissa's BDSMlog

I believe one of the most pervasive misunderstandings in kink is the difference between top and bottom, Dominant and submissive, and fetishism. In My experience, this confusion is not limited to people who are new to the culture, but people who have been involved in it for many years and don’t quite seem to know what they are and which apply to them. Because I think it is a fundamental aspect to concise negotiations and overall better experiences, allow Me to explain.

The first thing that is helpful to think about is that our experiences are multi-dimensional. Whether that experience is kinky or not, there is never just one thing going on at a time. Even if you’re just sitting there, breathing, your body is completing a multitude of tasks at once: your heart is beating, your body temperature is being regulated, and your immune system is on alert. Likewise…

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Guys! Your erection is your health

“Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?” –– Marquis de Sade

A guys boner may indicate the state of his health

I posted previously about how guys can overcome erectile dysfunction (ED) and get aroused when they’re not into their partner.  A guy’s partner may assume that his lowered performance is a sign that he’s losing interest in him/her; but this may be a precursor for ED and a sign of overall health decline.

Conventional wisdom is that ED accompanies natural aging. Many physicians will say there is no treatment available. Recently there is a sharp rise of ED among younger (< 50 years old ) males. Fortunately, medical science has some therapies that work.

If you’re not having sex, why bother with treating ED?

The biggest predictor of heart disease with males over 50 is ED:

ED is like the canary in the coal mine; it indicates health decline in males. If you quit smoking, lose weight, moderate drinking and have other health improvements, your ED may disappear.

Here is a webinar that explains ED.

Explanation involving endothelial cells: No nitric oxide (NO), no sexual performance . When endo cells are damaged, you may have other health concerns beside ED. NO directly affects a males ability to have an erection. Some guys will administer inhalers (“poppers”) to enhance their sexual experience.

Guys may assume that they can solve their ED problems with medications (such as Viagra) but pills have side effects (loss of color vision) , headaches and flushing, only treat symptoms and are effective for only 5 years.

Penis Enlargement. Some guys think that merely enlarging their dick will be sufficient. Does it work? Read this review.

You can use a vacuum constriction device (VCD) for immediate relief (it costs about $125 on Amazon or $87 at Walgreens ). To determine if penis pumps work, check this. Give yourself injections or do surgery (implant). But there is shockwave therapy and stem-cell therapy.

Gainswave & P-shot link can cost about $3000 for a regimen.

There are many physical and psychological factors that may contribute to a guy’s limp dick. The following chart from an ED clinic in Portland Or. summarizes the popular reasons for ED.

a list of ED causes from
Dr. Kathryn Retzler of

 The goal is to keep the endothelial layers of the arteries healthy, increase NO2 production. Doing more cardio with blood flow levels elevated can improve the delivery of nutrients. Intermittent fasting may lower blood pressure. ..

What if the amount of your ejaculate (semen) is declining? Should you be concerned? In Is Your Semen Volume Normal?:

Lots of guys worry about whether the volume of their ejaculate is cause for concern, says Daniel Williams, M.D., an associate professor in the department of urology and director of male reproductive medicine and microsurgery at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health. …

Even if your eruptions don’t quite hit that benchmark, you still might be perfectly normal. But if you’re only producing 1.5 ml or less of the sticky stuff — less than one-third of a teaspoon — that’s when you may need further evaluation

The problem could be one of two types: the strength and volume of your ejaculation:

Weak ejaculation is largely subjective, meaning it’s often noticed by the person. Orgasm intensity varies from man to man. Though ejaculation may feel weaker than normal to you, it may not be a problem unless it impacts your enjoyment of sex. A weaker orgasm may not feel as satisfying as a stronger one.

What causes weak ejaculation?

Weakened pelvic muscles

To strengthen the muscles that help you ejaculate, you can try Kegel exercises.

Low hormone levels


Get 7 to 9 hours of quality sleep each night.

Exercise — but not too intensely.

Don’t smoke.

Get more antioxidants like vitamins C and E, selenium, and lycopene in your diet.

Eat fewer trans fats

Exercises you can do to reduce ED:

Basic Kegel exercise

Aerobic exercise

Try Yoga: in

5 Yoga poses for erectile dysfunction

Paschimottanasana – This posture is also known as a seated forward bend. 

Uttanasana – Also known as standing forward bend

Baddha Konasana [often] referred to as Bound Angle Pose or even Butterfly Pose.

Janu Sirsasana – Head-to-knee pose

Dhanurasana – Also known as Bow Pose

Your cumload may depend on how aroused you are with your partner and how many times you came that day. If your partner is disappointed, tell him/her that you’ve had a few before but he/she is the best!

Check out what a porn-star has to say about cumloads:

How to Jizz Good

Should you see a doctor?

See your doctor if:

  • Your ejaculations are weak or contain less fluid than usual.
  • You can’t get an erection.
  • You have pain during or after sex.
  • There’s blood in your semen.
  • Your urine is cloudy after you orgasm.

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Humiliation & Degradation in BDSM

A dominant tugging her submissive’s leash reinforces his humiliation


Most people think aftercare is simply applying some lotion to cuts on a guys skin after he has endured impact play, but it can be much more than that.

As a precaution, the following article pertains to issues of a darker and possibly “non-PC” aspects of BDSM – namely humiliation and degradation and the problems practitioners may encounter in recovery.

Neel Burton M.D. 

in The Psychology of Humiliation

Embarrassment, shame, guilt, and humiliation all imply the existence of value systems. Whereas shame and guilt are primarily the outcome of self-appraisal, embarrassment and humiliation are primarily the outcome of appraisal by one or several others, even if only in thought or imagination…

One important respect in which humiliation differs from embarrassment is that, whereas we bring embarrassment upon ourselves, humiliation is something that is brought upon us by others. …

Another point of difference between humiliation and embarrassment is that humiliation cuts deeper. Humiliation is traumatic and often hushed up, whereas embarrassment, given enough time, can be sublimed into a humorous anecdote. More fundamentally, humiliation involves abasement of pride and dignity, and with it loss of status and standing…
When we are merely embarrassed, our status claims are not undermined—or if they are, they are easily recovered. But when we are humiliated, our status claims cannot so easily be recovered because, in this case, our very authority to make status claims has been called into question. People who are in the process of being humiliated are usually left stunned and speechless, and, more than that, voiceless.

humiliation is the public failure of one’s status claims. Their private failure amounts not to humiliation but to painful self-realization.  

humiliation is the public failure of one’s status claims. Their private failure amounts not to humiliation but to painful self-realization. …

A person can readily be humiliated through more passive means such as being ignored or overlooked, taken for granted, or denied a certain right or privilege. He can also be humiliated by being rejected, abandoned, abused, betrayed, or used as a means-to-an-end rather than an end-in-himself. …

We may react with angerfantasies of revenge, sadism, delinquency, or terrorism, among others. We may also internalize the trauma, leading to fear and anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, sleeplessness, suspicion and paranoiasocial isolation, apathy, depression, and suicidal ideation. Severe humiliation can be seen as a fate worse than death in that it destroys our reputation as well as our life, whereas death merely destroys our life. For this reason, inmates who have suffered severe humiliation are routinely placed on suicide watch.

Wendy Sachs presented this TED talk:

an interesting thing can happen after one experiences humiliation – we are now not afraid. Instead of fearing failure and its humiliating aftermath, we’ve experienced rock bottom and that liberates us to take risks and to be bold. We learn to lean more on ourselves than any group. And so shockingly what comes out of humiliation is confidence and courage

Humiliation is a loss of our pride and our dignity. Confidence can give us power to overcome humiliation. In BDSM, humiliation is used by dominants to manipulate their partner into submission.

Psychologist Dr. Liz Powell (see video reference below) views humiliation as a series of levels from embarrassment to humiliation to degradation.

Some submissives feel they become “fully alive” when they are sufficiently humiliated. Degradation rituals are often used to reinforce the humiliation in a bdsm interaction.

In Types of Humiliation/Degradation

Erotic humiliation: “consensual psychological humiliation in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal…
Erotic humiliation can be done verbally and/or physically and can take place privately or publicly. Some individuals assume an acting role and others prefer to be spoken to in a degrading way. A classic technique that can be used to put the submissive into a bottom mind space is to humiliate them while also providing them with sexual stimulation. 
In BDSM play [degradation] can often involve objectification which means acting as if the bottom is an object, like a table, footrest, ashtray, etc.

Sexual humiliation and degradation may include calling the bottom things like slut or whore. 

Non-sexual humiliation/degradation may include calling the bottom things like stupid or fat , using their body to rest your feet on or including golden showers (human toilet) as part of your scene.

In dominant guide
Humiliation… is edge play. operates in an area that can have serious consequences.
humiliation can have disastrous consequences from what appears to be innocent fun .

humiliation can cause significant emotional damage to the bottom or
it can create a deeper trust between top and bottom

the bottom will almost always suggest it. It can come out during talk about fantasies or in negotiation. You can also suggest it. “How do you feel about puppy play?” Watch the reactions you get. If there is arousal or some blushing, you may be on to the beginning of a humiliation scenario.

If you’re going to do H-D with your submissive, it’s wise to negotiate before the start of a session and think ahead of the possible consequences of this kind of play.

In BDSM, Degradation refers to “a consensual technique used to embarrass, demean, and humiliate the submissive partner

Sexual degradation aims at bringing an intense feeling of submission to the person being embarrassed and/or humiliated. Examples of degradation including spitting, ejaculating on, or urinating on the submissive partner. In some contexts, the dominant party may require their sub to remove all of their clothes in public places like BDSM parties, strip clubs, and other adult venues. 

Other aspects of sexual degradation can include verbal abuse, insults, verbal and physical belittlement, degrading references, small penis humiliation, mockery, forced exhibitionism, and forced repetition.

H-D is usually more intense than a slight embarrassment or forcing your sub to eat something he mildly objects to. To understand how much of your submissive’s mental and emotional health is at stake and the possible repercussions to the D/s relationship, I’ve collected a list of popular H-D.

forcing your submissive to breathe from your smelly shoes can be degrading

Shaving your sub’s head while he is in bondage can be degrading at the time and humiliating when he is out in public. Baronnesss Essex Shaving her Sub
Caging your submissive can be degrading and humiliating when he is exposed to your friends
forcing your submissive to assume a humble position can reinforce his humiliation
a dominant using her submissive as a footrest can be humiliating
A submissive can become aroused by performing degrading acts
forcing a submissive to serve can be degrading – AliceInBondageLand

Note that these items are only H-D if the sub feels humiliated or degraded by the activity.

  1. Force a male sub to wear slutty women’s lingerie (force cross-dressing).
  2. Make them wear a chastity belt under the clothes when they go to work
  3. Tie them up outside and leave them there for a designated period of time.
  4. Make them wear embarrassing outfits when they go out.
  5. make him wear panties and a bra under their clothes.
  6. Make them perform rimming.
  7. Have them shave off all their body hair, eyebrows too.  
  8. Make him wear feminine deodorant or perfume.
  9. Make him sit down to pee.
  10. Have them write their own blog, with lots of details about their humiliations.
  11. Make them admit something embarrassing, then share the news with others.
  12. Share them sexually with other kinksters.
  13. Make them wear an O-ring gag and have them talk a lot 
  14. Make them watch porn and have them share all the things that turn them on.
  15. Make him wear nail polish.
  16. Write insulting names or phrases on their body with a permanent marker.
  17. Make them consume their own cum after an orgasm.
  18. Have them act as a piece of furniture.
  19. Become a human ashtray.
  20. Have them lick the Dominant’s boots clean.
  21. Put them in a cage display them to the “world”.
  22. Make them eat from a pet bowl.
  23. Awkward or strange masturbation methods – like making them hump a stuffed animal or into food etc.
  24. Don’t allow them to close the door when they go to the bathroom – comment about the disgusting smells.
  25. Peg him.
  26. Don’t let them speak to anyone – they can only grunt or use strange body language.
  27. Penis humiliation – small, worthless, flaccid etc.
  28. Make them wear a diaper and suck on a pacifier.
  29. Make them dress as an animal.
  30. Make them perform a very difficult task and tell them all the ways they are failing at completing it or doing it wrong.
  31. Make them wear high heels.
  32. Make them wear a slutty French Maid outfit and clean something (or clean a friend’s house.)
  33. Cover them in pudding or other sloppy foods.
  34. Make them eat off the floor.
  35. Urinate on them. Make them “wear it” for a while, and then clean it up.
  36. Scold them when they’ve done something wrong.
  37. Call them a degrading name.
  38. Insult their intelligence or accomplishments.
  39. Smear some lipstick on their mouths and make them go out.
  40. Make them stand outside with a sign saying something embarrassing.
  41. The sub must (REALLY) beg for something they want/need.
  42. Ignore them completely.
  43. Spit on them.
  44. Don’t let them use the pronoun “I”, rather a demeaning title like “this slut” etc.
  45. Forced chastity – roll some dice to see how long they must go without an orgasm.
  46. Fuck them near a window with the blinds open.
  47. Pour water on the crotch of their pants (makes it look like they peed themselves) and take a walk in “public”.
  48. Make them sleep on the floor.
  49. If you have a home-desk, make them sit under it while you work.
  50. Give them an old-fashioned spanking (hairbrush).
  51. Laugh at them while they masturbate.
  52. Make the sub watch you having sex with someone and tell them how they’ll never be as good as the person you’re fucking.
  53. Order for them when you go out for dinner.
  54. They must ask permission to do anything and everything.
  55. Make them drink lots of water, take them for a long walk. 
  56. Make them skip bathing for a few days.
  57. Naked exercise.
  58.  Announce every time they are horny and why.
  59. Talk about how and why your sub disappointed you.
  60. Make them walk around with cum in their underwear or on their body all day.
  61. make them dress in female’s clothes for the day.
  62. Write dirty things on their body, such as “Dirty Slut,” “Cum Dumpster,” or “Cock Whore”.
  63. Make them serve you dinner and wait on you in the nude.
  64. Do their daily routine around the house with a vibrating butt plug in their ass.
  65. Make them walk behind you in public with their unsecured arms behind their back.
  66. Feed them while they are kneeling in public.
  67. Make them tie your shoe in public.
  68. Make them carry you on their shoulders in public.
  69. Sit on their face at a public beach.
  70. Stick your fingers in their mouth in public.
  71. Locking them to a post or a park bench.
  72. Lock them in a cage.
  73. Gag them with your underwear.
  74. place them in bondage and tie an article of clothing to their face so that they will smell it. Items such as a shoe, sweaty underwear, etc. are popular.
  75. Make them lick your sweaty orifices. Armpits are most popular.
  76. Bind them to a toilet.
  77. ‘Queen’ them for long periods of time.
  78. forced fem.
  79. Dollification
  80. forced bi
  81. order for him at restaurants
  82. answer for him when he is asked questions
  83. call him ‘slave’ before your friends
  84. make him wash your underwear by hand
  85. Make him wear a heavy metal chain and padlock around his neck.
  86. Make him eat food off your ass
  87. Make him beg
  88. cuckoldry
  89. give him a bad haircut or one that can be identified as a slave’s

In Femdom Humiliation Games To Keep A Man Deeply Submissive

List of Femdom teases:

-Strip naked while you keep your Femdom clothes on.

-Have him kneel before you and kiss your feet.

-Order him to address you as Mistress.

-Order him to lick your asshole.

-Tie his hands and have him undress you with his mouth/teeth.

-Enforce orgasm denial on him for extended periods of time. If he disobeys you by cumming, punish him harshly.

-Tie his balls with a string and a slip noose at the end, tighten it around the penis and pull on it and shake it and lead him around the house with it..whatever you want to do.

-Show your Femdom slave your panty crotch and make him smell it but he can’t touch you.

-Tie your Femdom slave spread eagled to the bed and tease him for hours using sex toys such as a feather tickler.

-Make sure he has a big hard and once he does smack his cock lightly with a crop or paddle.

-When he needs just a little more encouragement, take him to the edge but don’t let him cum.

Put on his favorite Femdom lingerie and tease him with it. Scratch him with your finger nails. Tickle him. Pinch his nipples. Sit on his chest and find out what he would do to be allowed to kiss your nipples. Let him almost kiss it but pull away, make him beg. Take a break, put some worn Femdom panties over his face and leave the room for a while and let him think about what else you might do while he smells your scent on the panties.

-Squat above his face, make him reach with his tongue to taste the crotch of your panties.

-Blindfold him and make him lick you until you have several orgasms.

-Rub his face against your pussy or sit on his face and make him lick you until he gags and his jaw hurts.

-Tie his balls off to something behind him so he has to tug on them.

-Masturbate in front of him using a Femdom dildo or a vibrator and put the base of the dildo in his mouth and make him satisfy you with it. Do it so his nose presses between your ass cheeks. He’ll be your little brown noser and love it. Make him lick the dildo clean.

-Put your worn panties over his head so he can smell your odor and make him wear a cock cage while he is doing it.

-Force him to wear your panties or lingerie or dress him up as sissy maid while he does chores around the house.

-He should be collared and leashed and led by you at all times.

-Ride him around as your pony boy wearing spurs and use a riding crop on him while you ride him.

-Attach a leash to his balls or cock ring, and lead him around with that. Tie it off in front of the sink while he does the dishes.

-Dress him up like the slut that he is, wear a strap-on dildo and make him beg to suck it. Fuck him with it.

-Make him wear your panties or lingerie under his regular clothes when he goes to work so that he will think of his Mistress constantly.

-If he is horny and you are not, make him strip and kneel silently in front of you and order him to stay erect. Make him masturbate for you and beg for your permission to cum. Don’t let him, if he does cum make him eat it.

-Reward him for his efforts. For example, allow him to kiss your ass after the dishes are done. Give 1 minute of pleasure for him for 3 minutes of yours.

-5 minutes of pleasure for him after he makes you cum 5 times.

-Spank him 10 times for each minute it takes him to cum.

-If you think he’s earned an orgasm, make him cum and then make him lick it clean where he came.

-Take him to the edge of an orgasm and keep him there, don’t let him cum unless you give him permission to cum. Once you give him permission make him cum in 5 seconds or he will not be able to cum at all.

-If he’s really horny and bothering you, you can order him to jerk off 5 or 6 times in a row on your feet, have him spread it around and lick them clean.

-When you go out, order him to tie himself up, be naked or dressed as a sissy maid waiting for you at the door when you arrive.
-Make him think of a new way for you to humiliate him. Punish him if you don’t think it’s good enough.

-Spank or whip him with a wooden spoon, hairbrush, belt, ruler, paddleflogger or a crop.

-Hog tied (wrists and ankles tied together) on the bed and leave him there for an extended period of time or on a chair. This will leave him exposed and vulnerable for more punishment if needed.

-Tie up his balls and cock with a long leather thong, clothes line, or boot lace. Use a long piece, and wrap the base and balls repeatedly. Do each ball separately. Then, tie tight loops around his shaft from base to the tip then tie the end off between his legs and up to a belt or to his handcuffs.

-Make him wear a male chastity belt or cock cage.

-Attach clothes pins or nipple clamps to his nipples, balls, cock or anywhere else you see fit.

-Insert a butt plug in his ass or an enema or put on a strapon and sodomize him with it. Don’t give him permission to cum while you are performing these activities.

-Tie him up in a chair with his knees pulled up to his shoulders and allow the cat or dog to lick his penis.

-Have him lick your pussy clean after you pee.

-Put ben-gay or icy-hot on his penis and nipples.

-Drip candle wax on him.

-Publicly humiliate him…take him shopping for panties and lingerie while he is collared and leashed.

Some H/D may be offensive to others and non-PC. For example, degrading men by using femininity offends women.

attaching a collar to your submissive can be both symbolic of your relationship and humiliating for him

Collaring. Some view collaring as a source of H-D, especially if the submissive is forced to wear a collar in public. Others view a collar with a sense of pride.

Sissy. A note on forced “sissy” H-D. In the past, a dominant who forced a male sub into a sissy outfit was considered high in H-D. Today, it is not always the case. A local dominatrix, Alice In Bondage Land   encourages guys to meet at Wicked Grounds for “Sissy Night” monthly. they dress up in womens clothing (and assist each other) in a private room and then attend Fem domme night at a local club.

“I like ‘forced fem,'” Ken [an attendee] explains …Somebody who has to be forced to look like a woman, against their will…and into the bondage area.”
He seems both thrilled and slightly terrified to be here, surrounded at last by men who share his desire.

Ken… is a sissy. Most individuals think of the term “sissy” as a macho epithet utilized by schoolyard bullies. Yet on Sissy Night, the word takes on a different meaning. In the BDSM community, “sissies” are men who cross-dress, often for sexual pleasure. Many of these men engage in “sissification” or “forced feminization,” where a female dominatrix will switch her male submissive’s gender role. Though every sissy/femdom relationship is wildly different, the common denominator is usually the forced cross-dressing of the male submissive—anything from lingerie to evening gowns. Some “sissies” simply enjoy dressing up, and have no interest in BDSM. Others desire a kinkier feminization, one that is accompanied by spanking, pegging or bondage.

Alice’s demeanor is overwhelmingly kind, a sort of BDSM momma bear looking out for her sissy cubs. “There is the pretense of sharing a meal together, which normalizes the awkwardness of strangers meeting and having very intimate conversations,” she says. “It’s a way to get to know people without it being in a sex club or a bar where there’s a pressure to hookup.”

Sissy Night is a safe space where these men can embrace their authentic nature in public…
some of the sissies here have long-term partners who embrace their fetish

One of the attendees said: “You see at lot of people focused on…humiliation. But you don’t have to humiliate me to make me put on a dress,” Lexi says. “I want to put on a dress. I want to find people who are into it, and not just as a humiliation thing. “

The “sissy” practice illustrates the variable nature of H-D. For some, dressing up as a sissy, even when “forced” by a dominatrix, may not have much H-D.

Ken, for example, might view dressing up as degrading in his hometown (2000 mi. E. of SF), but he might feel ‘comfortable’ with other TG’s in SF. The intensity of H-D depends on the societal norms of the local community. While many communities view dressing up as shameful and emasculating, in another “norm” TG’s might find the act liberating.

Many H-D activities in lifestyle femdom relationships often become preferred activities by the participants. The H-D effect may diminish over time. As an example, many sub guys will state that an activity is a “hard limit” initially, but will gradually come to like it. If they enter into a relationship where the partners choose not to set limits. [as] seen in total power exchange dynamics, consensual non-consent (CNC) and edgeplay (EP). Whether or not this type of arrangement is considered “safe, sane and consensual (SSC)” is a matter of some controversy in BDSM communities. As an example, a sub guy may consider rimming a hard limit but if the dominant orders him to rim her regularly, the D/s “eroticization” may make the act pleasurable.

Lifestyle relationships often evolve into CNC as trust builds between the practitioners. The dominant may assure her submissive that she will not hurt him as she pushes him beyond his initially stated limits. The submissive succumbs to her orders and complies. But sometimes a dominant can push her submissive too far.

Ms. Masri cautions:

For many bottoms this type of play – just the use of one humiliating word, can trigger them and put them in a bad head space or even end the scene. This is why I think it’s important to be a bit more specific when negotiating this. While one bottom may be fine with “all of the above” when it comes to this type of play, another may only be ok with sexual humiliation/degradation. Another may take this type of play off the table completely. Be mindful that this type of play can include physical aspects, but also goes beyond that to the psychological/emotional. This is not a realm you want to mess around with – especially if the bottom is new or they are a new partner to you as a Top.

Although it may seem harsh, erotic humiliation can be a great source of pleasure for some people. However, because it can also be an emotionally intense experience, it should only be used on a consenting and understanding partner. Individuals participating in this practice should also understand and be respectful of their partner’s limits. The use of safewords is encouraged. Without caution, erotic humiliation can destroy a relationship – and the submissive’s self-esteem.

Here is a popular video on erotic humiliation:

Psychologist Dr. Liz Powell explains Erotic Humiliation (E-H) targeted for GLBT. E-H is playing with your mind the way you play with your body. Levels are Embarrassment, Humiliation, Degradation being the deepest. You can control the levels of E-H during a scene.

Sometimes H/D can get out of hand. Check this presentation by
Richard Sprott​

Humiliation scenes involve some intense psychological dynamics, and come in a variety of expressions. On one hand, humiliation can mean “putting someone in their place” – protocols and actions that reinforce a submissive or beta position. On the other hand, humiliation can mean playing with embarrassment and shame. This presentation will discuss shame, disgust, and embarrassment – and why some are attracted to this kind of scene. The presentation will also discuss the ways in which humiliation can reinforce a power exchange dynamic. We will also discuss emotional triggers, negotiating boundaries, and aftercare.
For aftercare, go to 58:00

You can go too far as dominant.

How to recover from H-D play: sensitive aftercare

If a dominant degrades or humiliates a guy, how will she help him recover his ego afterward?

Mr. Sprott​ suggests engaging the sub after a scene to get him detached from the emotional reaction by asking him about his reaction. Make a note of trigger points and the level of intensity of the H-D for future reference.

Dominants who practice intense H-D often experience a sense of remorse for pushing their submissive beyond what is tolerable in vanilla relationships. Domme’s often remarked about their fear that H-D will destroy the relationship if they go too far. If you belittle a guy too much, he may bail on you.

In some intense bdsm training, a “Stockholm-like syndrome” happens that causes [the submissive] to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity …[with]
strong emotional ties developing … where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.

It is also possible that a dominant can experience dominant-drop after a scene of intense H-D, especially if initiated by the submissive.

A thread on domme drop 

Illustrates how a domme worries that she has humiliated her lifestyle submissive too much and is conflicted. Excessive humiliation can jeopardize lifestyle relationships.

If you’re an experienced sub, you may have to provide aftercare to your dominant. For example, reassure her that you’re ok with the things she called you during the scene and that you may take action to remedy defects of character that are real and amenable.

If your play involves intense humiliation and degradation, how do both dominant and submissive partners in a lifestyle relationship recover? There are no easy answers. What do you think?

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