First, there are few bdsm dating sites. I don’t consider Fetlife as a dating-specific site (although many are attracted to it for that).
Many dating sites do not want
GLBTQ sexual orientation
Explicit sex trolling
With the FOSTA/SESTA witch-hunt you cannot offer or imply services of any kind.
Start with a profile. Here is a profile of a female dominant seeking a submissive guy:
I’m a successful, brilliant, talented, artistic funny, humble dominant woman in My [enter your age, rounded], looking for a submissive man to fulfill all of My desires and make My already wonderful life even better. I enjoy a wide range of activities, especially foot worship, domestic service, mental domination, and punishment (when appropriate). I especially love orgasm control and denial. I will own your orgasms, and you will find yourself naturally submitting to Me naturally before you know it. Be confident but not cocky, in good shape, and truly submissive. This is not a game for Me. I’m looking for a long-term romantic relationship that will lead to marriage. You must be willing to commit to something real. If you’re just looking for kinky sex, move on and spare both of U/us the emotional expense. Do not worry if you don’t have any experience; I’m a great teacher. To respond, tell Me about your experience serving a dominant woman and what submission means to you. I look forward to O/our journey, [your name]
The sentences: “I especially love orgasm control and denial. I will own your orgasms, …” might force the site to censor you depending on how strict they are about sexually-explicit material. You could rewrite this with innuendo:”I love to tease a guy but hold off until the time is right…maybe when we’re married?”
Here is a submissive guy’s reply to your profile:
Dear [your name], We have so much in common! I’m successful, brilliant and humble, too! ☺ I really enjoyed reading your profile and would love to know more about you. I love the idea of a confident, powerful woman teaching me how to worship her and make her life better. To me, true submission is about the dedication to another. In my dream relationship, I love, cherish and obey my dominant as she loves, cherishes and leads me. It’s that reality I seek more than any one particular kinky activity. I don’t have a lot of experience, but I believe you when you say you’re a great teacher. I’m looking for a real relationship, so I’m glad you are as well. I’d love to talk more and see if I’m right for you. Please let me know if you’re curious about communicating more. Sincerely, [sub guy’s name]
Working the online dating scene is full of pitfalls. Check out this guy’s attempt to find a dominant:
We met on Femdom.Dating. My profile was male submissive, she was (obviously) a female dominatrix. Her profile picture was of a pair of long, perfectly sculpted legs in fishnet hose; on her feet, four-inch black patent leather high heels. I instantly wanted to get down on my knees and worship their owner….
I couldn’t believe she wrote me first. The way it mostly goes on BDSM websites is that you write to a dozen mistresses, hear back from one, and ‘she’ turns out to be a ‘he’—some asshole jerking around male submissives around for shits and giggles…..
scam artists prey on innocent submissives who long to obey their Master/Mistress, think it’s real and before long they’re hooked. Once the D/s relationship is established, they get reeled in like a fish on a line: “My husband died of liver cancer and I need help, wire money, slave.”
it was obvious that she had actually read my profile and that she was a real lifestyle Mistress . . . one with a plan.
“Hello slave, you state you want to experience true submission to a dominant woman, and that you want it to be real, more than a scene. You seem sincere and your profile suggests a certain depth of character. I’m currently in my selection process for a new submissive. I prefer candidates from the Metro D.C. area, and will review them over the next week, so do not delay. You must respond via the email address below. Enter ‘Candidate 46’ in the subject line. Attach a recent face photo and your real-life job résumé. Write a short essay explaining why you seek this position and list any prior BDSM experience. You will address me as ‘Ms. Hunter’ in all correspondence.”
She sent him a copy of her alt.com profile. Under this profile, there was a final line of text that read, “Mistress Hunter has received your response and will get back to you if you are selected for an interview. Thank you for your interest.”
My heart sank; it was an auto-message. Come to think of it, given that I was ‘Candidate 46,’ then there were probably at least 50—if not 100—wanna-be subs like me. This was a submissive cattle call.
Submissives rightly become jaded and wary.
Flr and femdom is a relationship…when it is perfectly normal for a man to be in charge in a relationship, it is also equally perfectly normal when a woman is in charge, as long as both parties agree that this is the way they want it to work
Here is a person’s rant over not finding a date online.
Flr and femdom is a relationship…when it is perfectly normal for a man to be in charge in a relationship, it is also equally perfectly normal when a woman is in charge, as long as both parties agree that this is the way they want it to work
I always see that bdsm dating is just like vanilla dating, you are just adding another level of compatibility to the equation, which makes it close to impossible to find the right match lool. So, in addition to finding someone tall, intelligent, well educated, with a wicked sense of humor with whom you have chemistry, he also has to be submissive, into spanking and is a perfect fit for the co-pilot chair. I know it has become a cliche now, but the saying that “you need to find someone whose crazies go well with yours” is actually very accurate and true.
The main problem is that 90% of the time you need to use dating sites/apps to look for your other, subbie half, and men on these venues only have one thing on their minds. He doesn’t really understand what femdom and flr are all about, he doesn’t care what…
I was not an online person. I did not tweet or Facebook. The internet hardly touched my daily life. I was fully and gainfully occupied without it. It might as well have been a separate and mythical dimension, like hyperspace.
But on a wet evening in February 2009, I was with a friend who had a worldwide reputation in his creative niche. He ran this thriving empire through the ether, from five well-visited blogs.
When he said ‘let’s make you a blog’, I said yes.
I was suspicious of the blog thing, because I am never an early adopter (see above) and also because I disliked the word ‘blog’. (Still do, if I think about it.) But I’d just come out of a mind-whirling experience (you’ll know this if you’ve read Not…
Many people think bondage is used only to restrain a guy for impact play. For some, there’s an experience from bondage alone.
This post is not the usual ‘introduction to bondage’ or the ‘safety aspects of bondage’, etc. There are many guides that are written for specific types of bondage. Bondage is best used knowledgeably and carefully.
There is very little psychological research on bondage specifically. Most BDSM related social science is derived from general surveys often from advocates. The research usually does not get into the details of the bdsm experience, or the activities of its practitioners. If we want to understand the psychology of bondage, we have to explore the range of bondage effects and then find examples of each. For the ranges of bondages effects, check out: Psychology of Bondage: Why do people do it? by ‘Reba’ .
Bondage has these effects:
Redress physical power
Bondage alters the balance of power. A stronger partner can be rendered helpless, which in itself can be an unusual and charged experience. With bondage, a naturally active individual is forced to be passive. Bondage might include hoods, bondage gloves, sleep bags, etc. to enhance sensory deprivation which can open up new horizons of tactile, emotional, sensual and imaginative possibilities.
In femdom, bondage is often essential to constrain a male from overpowering the female dominant even in “soft” bdsm play. Guys have a natural reaction of either fight or flight when they feel they are threatened. The bondage holds them from reacting normally and gives them an opportunity to let their aggressive reactions go and begin to trust their partner.
Bondage can be used to expiate the feeling of guilt from doing forbidden activities by providing the convenient excuse of being tied up and thus ‘unable’ to resist. Bondage in BDSM is usually consensual but a person who is in bondage may feel that social restraints are removed. The person administering the bondage (usually the dominant) may feel empowered to “force” his submissive to do things she might not ordinarily do. This creates the condition of “Freedom through bondage”!
Bondage creates a feeling of security and is comforting especially for women.
Have Erotic effects
Breast and genital bondage increase sensitivity to pleasure and pain by pulling the skin tight. The bondage can be used to present the target of your attention prominently and conveniently.
Promote Meditation & relaxation
When a guy is bound, his attention is often limited to the experience. This can at first cause tension but over time he gets over his usual reactions and finds the experience can be very meditative, an experience that can be deepened if the sub and Dom take time to connect by quietly embracing, relaxing and synchronizing their breathing. Meditation techniques can be used with bdsm mantras. A successful bdsm scene will often engender a close connection between the Dominant and submissive.
Bondage and submission are complimentary. Bondage is used by a dominant to focus their partner’s attention to their submission. When the Dominant binds the submissive and makes them helpless, an excitement is often added to the play.
There is also much to be said for the feeling of helplessness that being bound arouses. It is an expression of submission, “not only am I willing to offer no resistance, I couldn’t if I wanted to”. ..This confinement also frees the male of any responsibility and with it the guilt caused by the desire to live in this manner of relationship. It is not enslavement, it is liberation.
Bondage can be used as a tool of control.
The dominant can often control the submissive’s behavior while he is in bondage. A dominant will use bondage to their submissive to force them to be their slave and serve them during the period of the scene.
Support Fetishism & role-playing
The kind of restraint chosen can be used to satisfy a person’s need for fetish. Items such as steel handcuffs, leather restraints, ropes, jock-straps, body bags, straight-jackets or chastity devices can trigger a fetish sensation.
be a prelude to or a facilitator of SM play
Bondage can be used to inflict discomfort, both physically and mentally in uncomfortable or humiliating positions. A submissive is bound in a way that will eventually induce muscle fatigue. The submissive could be bound and exposed to the public. A dominant can place his submissive in predicament bondage forcing him to feel pain when he tries to relax his bindings.
can be a challenge to escape
Many aficionados find the struggle against their restraints highly erotic. They set their activity into getting out of heavy bondage.
Bondage in femdom examples.
A dominatrix will use bondage as a way to encourage her client or partner to get into a submissive mindset.
In femdom, bondage can be used to enhance arousal from fear.
In other instances, the dominant applies bondage to reinforce her partner’s submission.
Bondage is used by a dominatrix to get her partner to focus on his submission to her.
Bondage is the most common element in BDSM sessions. For some people, it is the only thing they want from a session from a dominant.
When I worked for a dominatrix, many of her clients came for sessions of bondage. The dominatrix had a profile of the type of bondage they preferred, including the kind of restraints, dungeon furniture used, etc. Often when she had overlapping bookings she would delegate the task of applying the client’s preferred bondage to me. It was important to keep them waiting in bondage, especially if she was administering punishment to another client. This was almost enough for the guys to ejaculate. She’d eventually attend to them and either humiliate them (such as emasculating them by belittling their ‘manhood’ as not big enough) or “threaten” them in some way (such as a beating if they did not have an orgasm). In a few instances, she’d assist with physically edging them. Her success rate was pretty good at having them ejaculate on the floor or on her boots. Bondage was a way to make them feel helpless and fearful. This mix of emotions made them aroused. They experienced catharsis from ejaculation.
Bondage in Play parties. Guys can attend play parties where they can be bound and edged. For example, the NY Bondage Club holds weekly parties at Paddles where guys are bound and often edged to climax. The person administering the bondage may also edge him (by usually stimulating the head of his cock).
Heavy Bondage. Bondage can be described from soft to heavy. Soft bondage is frequently used in light bdsm sessions, or for bdsm activity that does not require much restraint. For example, a previous post about sensual femdom illustrates how a guy is restrained on the bed as his dominant edges him. The bondage is probably not necessary except that it often contributes to the guy’s arousal. Heavy bondage is favored by guys who want to feel that they cannot escape from the restraint by themselves. It requires a partner with whom they trust will put them in bondage and get them out safely.
Many dominants are skilled at various types of bondage. For me, women have a more ‘delicate’ touch and can impart emotional experiences to the session.
Here are accounts of two dominatrices and one heavy-bondage enthusiast:
To learn about bondage – a resource of video clips can be helpful. I recommend aliceinbondageland.com
as a starting point. Find a clip that you’re interested in and check out a large list of links for other femdom sites. If you follow Alice on Twitter (@BondageLand @BondageLand) , you might learn of munches that she attends in the SF Bay Area. This is an easy and safe way to meet her.
aliceinbondageland. Her web site is similarly named:
In the site she describes chronicles of my real-world kinky life.: producing videos of kink scenes. I crave something more than formulaic videos… I craved sexual chemistry, the connection between partners and AUTHENTICITY. Join us on our bondage adventures, in private and in public, shared with the camera with a special kind of enthusiasm… the kind that comes from true passion and a genuine exhibitionist dominant woman at the helm.
[from] female led relationships, real couples, lifestyle submissives, and full-time dominant women. We make these movies because we are driven to share a positive, femdom view of bondage, dominance, sadomasochism and our many fetishes
Elise Graves is another proponent of bondage. She developed “bondage therapy” through experience in bondage sessions. Elise wants to change how people perceive bondage. She wants to demonstrate how sexy agents for change can be. Elise’s desire is to show both BDSM-curious and seasoned practitioners how sexy it is to trust, to be a witness to a person’s suffering, to be vulnerable, and how exciting it can be to engage in exploration in one’s life. Bondage has the unique ability to offer these experiences
Conscious bondage play creates the conditions which allow a person to surrender, to trust, and to make themselves vulnerable to another human being. In using the body’s vulnerable position … it encourages the mind to follow. This leads to a vulnerability, or openness, of the mind. The person is in a highly receptive state. Subtly and powerfully, a person in that meditative state begins to allow repressed thoughts and feelings float up to the surface. .. it is transformative
Elise noticed that engaging in bondage activity within a trusted environment lead to the development of a pervasive “calm confidence” – a reduction in anxiety and depression, increased interest in personal exploration and development, and a greater understanding of the self… to “let go,” and to experience loving energy while in a highly receptive state. This experience of being vulnerable while receiving loving energy and practicing the art of “letting go” is the special mixture that is Bondage Therapy.
[the BDSM session was] A lovely mix of whipping, electrical play and bondage was the result.
Elise’s smile in this image is very indicative of the way she plays. There was a lot of happy positive energy in our scene today. This image is from her Bondage Liberate site.
Heavy Bondage. Some guys want to be restrained beyond their capability to get out of it. They usually prefer heavy chains and large locks, stockades, and fetters that will render them immobile.
JimmyUSMC is an advocate of Heavy Bondage. He wrote of his experience in Recon:
Heavy bondage is my passion; I simply can’t get enough of it. I tend to describe it as an insatiable thirst of mine, one in which I am on a perpetual journey to quench. I’ve always been geared this way, and as I grow older the severity of the bondage/ kink play I enjoy only seems to expand…. I’ve always been the kind of person to see how far I can push myself, test my limits. With bondage, it’s no different. Exploring and experimenting, trying to find the hardest, most inescapable, secure, and helpless scenarios humanly possible. ..
I absolutely crave true, unrelenting helplessness…
if I could spend the majority, or at least a substantial portion of each day in bondage I would. … Bondage is what keeps me centered, it’s where I feel most at home. ..For myself and many others, bondage can be extremely therapeutic. With the right combination of leather and steel restraints, a hefty gag and secure blindfold, I will float away into sub-space land before the last padlock is clicked shut. It’s the best high I’ve ever come to know and love, and I’m truly addicted. I couldn’t live without it. It’s as much a part of me as oxygen is to a fire. It’s the fuel that brings life into my veins. ..Never did I think bondage could make me feel so free. This is me. My authentic, unapologetic, kinky self. I’m a heavy bondage freak and I always will be. …I have no idea where this bondage world will take me. I hope it holds me tight and never lets me go.
Bondage can be a way to get a taste of the BDSM experience. You do not need to engage in pain for your first few sessions…or ever. You might find bondage sufficient to get you into the bdsm mindset.
Besides money, sex is one of the biggest reasons for disagreement between men and women. Usually, it’s not the sex itself, it’s the timing and approach. Some women need the male to make the first move and become aroused as he is. Some women at best accommodate the male’s advances and let him have his way. Some women want to control many if not all the male’s sexual drive.
Most people associate a dominatrix as a sadist who delivers pain to others. But many dommes have told me that their greatest concern is about how their partner have sex with them. They use femdom to control the sex they have with their submissive. Many rely on a technique that is called “sensual femdom”.
[a] soft or mild dominance. Many of the tools of a sensual dominant are familiar to those used by vanilla couples dabbling in BDSM, such as blindfolds, oils, ropes, ice cubes, and feathers. … The submissive partner is treated with reverence and praised rather than put down or humiliated. While mild pain may be involved in sensual dominance, it is never the focus of these kinds of scenes. Any pain administered is meant to complement the pleasure and never intended to push the submissive’s limits.
[sensual dominance requires] a greater understanding of a submissive’s turn-ons and state of mind.
Sensual femdom is basically about the domme determining how her male sub will perform sexually for her. Typically, the domme applies sensory deprivation in the form of a blindfold, light bondage (such as tying his hands and feet to the four corners of a bed), edging him, building his arousal and then riding him cowgirl style. She may combine light pain such as nipple pinching, face slapping, whipping his cock to sustain his arousal. She doesn’t release him until she is satisfied. Although she may perform oral on him, she might prevent him from having his orgasm. She might also peg him. She may or may not let him have sexual release.
Some “feminist” critics assert that sensual femdom is little more than catering to the male fantasies, by “escorts with a whip”. Advocates of sensual femdom say that it is a core femdom practice that differs from basic sex work by the control that the domme has over the scene with her sub.
If a sub guy responds well to sensual femdom, the domme may regard him as her “boy toy” and privately call him her “slut” or “whore”. Boy toys usually enjoy a higher status in femdom and are prized possessions of dominants.
Scene 1: Domination With Just Sensual Touch – Tell him that you’re just going to take control of him for a bit. Tell him that, if he’s good, you’ll let him have his way with you after you’re done, … you’re going to tease and sensually pleasure him … You can …run a feather over his body….trail your fingers and fingernails down sensitive areas…. massage his body…gently tickle his most sensitive areas until you reach his genitals and still force him to stay still while you touch him or give him oral sex. … [with] a small paddle or riding crop, and give him a small swat on the thighs or butt every time he moves
Scene 2: In Charge of Oral –
pleasuring your partner and teaching him that his orgasm is yours to control. .. Once you have your partner where you want him, it’s time to show him exactly how “in control” you are. It’s up to you how you want to play this. You can give him the best oral sex of his life … use edging to take this to the next level…tell him that you expect for him to tell you when he’s getting close to orgasm – or you’ll make sure he doesn’t get to come at all if he disobeys… you’ll get to enjoy “torturing” him with this pleasure until you decide he’s allowed to orgasm.
Scene 3: He’s Your Sex Toy –
at a time when you’re aroused and you’re looking for some playtime with your partner… you’re going to make it known that you’re turned on … as long as you’re dominant … Once you have your partner set up how you want him, feel free to enjoy the type of intercourse or sensation that you’d like.
if.. you’d like to be more of a tease, don’t forget that you can remove his blindfold. He’ll be “forced” to watch your pleasure and orgasm – with no way to possibly touch you or do anything besides enjoy watching you. If you truly think he’d enjoy being a “sex toy” for you, don’t let him orgasm. …if you’d rather enjoy his orgasm, feel free to let him come.
I restrained him on his back with all limbs cuffed and bound to the 4 corners of the bed … he was about to enter a world of submersion into sensation. I plugged his ears, covered his eyes, ball gagged him, restrained him and left him there like that for 30 minutes to swim in anticipation. .. I finally approached his body, he could feel me … a dildo and a magic wand short-circuited [him]… He agreed to trust that I indeed knew what was best, knew the best timeline for his journey and growth, and that he’d stop allowing his pecker to lead…..that was now My job.
and is (by her own description) ” Professional dominatrix. Femdom / BDSM. Bisexual. Switch. …friend to many
I was always submissive in nature. A few years ago I was a sub slave, and in danger even though I was blind to it. A dominatrix in the community saw that, and “saved” me. She has been a mentor and one of my best friends, and has helped me realize my Dominant potential. .. My spouse was my first submissive. Made some big mistakes. I was really into sissification and forced feminization with him. Started out as kinky fetish, but I took it too far. Turned into something sadistic and mean. Ended up doing psychological damage. … I became much more conscious of RACK and SSC after that. I had known of it but hasn’t really incorporated it. Biggest lesson I learned was I needed to get a handle on my anger, because it was clouding my focus and sane judgement as a Dominant. .. Since then, there have been a handful of times I made myself walk away from ascene because I didn’t trust myself … Even though I’ve been dominating hubby for over 3 years, I’m still relatively new at being pro. It’s been a real struggle this year. There were stretches I didn’t have a single client. I felt like a failure much of the time. … I don’t wear a lot of BDSM or fetish gear. I do have a couple of (faux) leather outfits I wear once in a while, usually for initial sessions. I hate latex / PVC. And even my heels are pretty modest. I prefer comfort. I don’t need to draw off my look for my authority … I was pretty vanilla much of my life until I submitted to my Master. I had fantasies and was aware of how I reacted to the idea of certain kinks, but I never acted on them. I was always afraid of what my husband would think of me.
I love bookstores. I once fantasized about owning a bookstore.. I can literally spend hours in them. And it makes me sad they’re dying … I love animals, almost more than people. If @SubHubbyBilly comes home and tells me they had a call where a person died, I may be like “oh that’s sad.” But if he tells me they had a call and a dog died, I’ll cry for like 20 minutes. … Growing up we alternated Christmasses, every other year with my mother’s family in France. I only have a couple of cousins on dad’s side but a ton on mom’s side, so our French Christmasses were my favorites …
The first night I spent with @SubHubbyBilly, I went into his drawer and put on one of his Team USA shirts to sleep in. He never got it back. .. Even though I’ve known I like girls from pretty much as long as I remember, I didn’t come out as bisexual until last year. Growing up in Ireland I suppressed it, then I married young and continued to suppress it, until I couldn’t take it anymore. … I went to a parochial school where spanking and other corporal punishment was used as discipline. Catholics in Kerry were a little slow in getting the message striking a child not the greatest of ideas … I abandoned religion years ago. But hubby is still practicing Catholic. Once in a while I go to mass with him, just so I can whisper in his ear during prayer “your god has betrayed you, I’m your Goddess now. Your body and soul are mine; not even He can save you”
I enjoy sex. Ive had several partners. I’m queer. I am highly educated
with an advanced degree. I’m “eurotrash”. I speak 4 languages. I was a
college athlete. I speak my mind. And I cuss like a trucker.
By Alabama standards, nothing about me is feminine. And I’m okay with
I think of myself as a lesbian who also loves her husband and the occasional cock
There is a giant misconception, largely due to porn, that a Lifestyle
There is a giant misconception, largely due to porn, that a Lifestyle Domme or Pro Dominatrix is a man-hating woman out to degrade & beat men. It is quite the contrary. An authentic Dominant is a TRUE nurturer…We put the well being & best interest of our partner first.
People don costumes and uniforms to indicate their roles in relationships and society. Dommes often wear fetish clothing. Here’s why.
Many women oppose “femdom” because they believe it is a male fantasy. The cite the fetish gear that many prodommes wear in their practice as an example. Many lifestyle dominants also wear some “fetish” items.
Although women claim the fetish wear is usually uncomfortable (creating tired feet, lots of sweat), they wear the gear to get their male submissives into the mood. They take great care in selecting the best fitting latex, leather or lace to enhance their assets. Men are turned on by the “sexy” look. Submissive guys are attracted and afraid of women in fetish outfits.
This is precisely the mood the dommes want to set for a D/s session.
Lifestyle dommes may feel the need to wear uncomfortable fetish clothing recede as they substitute other cues to trigger the arousal/fear reaction to their submissive partners.