Many guys are interested in a FLR but few can take the pain.
In a previous post, I described the schism between femdom and FLR (female led relationships) . Guys who balk on the excessive rituals of femdom or the rigid rules of many FLR’s might consider a “soft” FLR. A soft FLR is one where you and your partner make up the rules of the relationship.
Mistress Ivey describes “soft-flr” in this way:
“You can make your FLR as hard or as soft as you like. There is no reason, other than you both want it, to subjugate your partner. That is, if you would rather withhold sex for a couple of days, or have him wash the dishes for a week instead of taking a paddle to his bare bottom, it is perfectly okay. You set your own rules.”
There are no rules, other than the ones you set for your own relationship
A soft FLR can be a standard FLR sans painful punishment. It could be limited to bedroom or party play.
For a soft FLR lifestyle, two forms are popular: gentle femdom (GFD) and wife led marriage (WLM)
Gentle Femdom. Many guys are attracted to “gentle femdom”.
Kinkly defines Gentle FemDom as female-led domination that doesn’t involve pain or humiliation. Its lack of the physical and mental pain that often comes from domination within the BDSM community can make the practice an appealing option for many submissive, pain-averse men.
The reddit group defines it this way:
It’s femdom without :
- -pain (or maybe very very gentle pain)
- -intense bondage, big restraints, cock cage…
- -dubious con or non-con play, the sub crying or looking like he’s not enjoying himself
- -and (generally speaking) violence
Gentle femdom is a type of power exchange. Like regular femdom, it puts the woman in a position of leadership and power, with the man in a position of subservience…
It’s female domination that is gentle. That being said the gentle part would not involve the more extreme forms of torture, pain or humiliation. [it is] a reversal of the DD/lg roles (would that be MD/lb= mommy dom little boy) without the age play. …
Its a milder form of femdon, focused on nurturing, loving, sensual attention. Less about the sexual acts involved and more about how the sexual acts are performed.
While most femdom is about abusing the sub and making them feel worthless and beneath you. GFD is more about putting her pleasure first, and being rewarded and loved for being a good boy.
However, unlike regular femdom, it is characterized by tamer elements. Typically, a GFD relationship will include the element(s) of praise, affection, affirmation, encouragement, and/or adoration from the domme to the submissive, as opposed to the harsher and more sadistic aspects that are popular in regular femdom. This is also reflected in play, as the impact play of gentlefemdom is generally much softer than in regular femdom.
Gentle femdom can be thought of a more loving and affectionate form of domination than traditional domination. Some people even describe the way a woman practicing Gentle femdom behaves as maternal because mothers take charge while attempting to spare their children harm. While a woman who practices Gentle femdom takes charge, she does not physically hurt, emasculate, or otherwise humiliate her submissive partner. She may encourage her partner to perform acts of servitude and please her sexually through submissive acts, like performing oral sex on her. She is likely to reward his attempts to please her through praise and physical affection. However, she is unlikely to punish him if he does not measure up, as a regular dominatrix would.
Chastity is often used in GFD. For example, a participant commented:
I’m kept in chastity and it can certainly be used in a very strict but gentle way. I’m never in pain, there’s no CBT for sure. But being able to use my cock? That’s so rare it’s a real treat when it happens.
The other form of “soft FLR” is the wife-led marriage.
Wife Led Marriage (WLM). A female-led relationship, also known as a loving female authority by its advocates, is where the woman is the married head of the household and makes all the decisions. It is not a thing of whips, chains and leather… She makes all the decisions – about money, sex, housework, everything. She might ask her husband for his opinion, but she has the last word. He does not fight about it or disobey her. She does not nag, she does not play games to push his buttons – because she does not have to: they both openly accept her authority. ..
The man winds up doing most of the housework. Because she can just tell him to do it and he does it. …
Her needs come first. His come second – if he has been good. Some say a man is easiest to control if he comes only once a month.
In the early days (before 2000) couples would consummate their marriage in a ceremony where the man would vow to honor, serve and obey his partner. The woman would present a ring to him. She would not wear a ring and could date other men. He had to remain chaste and monogamous to her.
In some marriages the male would be forced to wear women’s lingerie and heels while at home to remind him of his place. Many men were outfitted with chastity devices that the woman held the key to.
Beautiful Secrets defines is as an asymmetrical relationship:
One of the most surprising aspects of wife led marriage is the asymmetric nature of sex. Few wives can imagine how different their sex life becomes when they assume a position of dominance in the marriage.
In a wife led marriage, the wife controls sex. Either she allows her husband to indicate an interest, to which she responds positively or negatively, or she reserves the initiation of sex entirely to herself. In either case, the wife is the gate keeper of sex.
When she does choose to engage in sex, it is primarily focused on her satisfaction.
The core belief states that as the woman become ever more proficient in exercising erotic power in your marriage, her husband begins to derive ever greater happiness from her satisfaction.
Some have compared WLM as a reverse DD (Domestic Discipline). It is popular with monogamous Christian couples who eschew the trappings of femdom.
Although not strong on corporal punishment, the woman can use mild punishment such as corner time, lines, hairbrush spankings, withholding sex, etc. to get her partner to come around.
Oddly, many sources and manifestos of WLM have disappeared from the internet. Site authors have stated they have said enough on the subject and have removed their sites.
As interest in marriage has waned, so has interests in WLM. Wearing women’s clothing is no longer a source of arousal.
I think this describes my relationship pretty good, so thanks for writing this up. He’s the man and in charge, but sometimes he wants to be dominated by me. And its really sexy and intimate.
It’s always good to hear comments from people outside of San Francisco. Thanks!
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