When the reality of BDSM differs from the fantasy

Many first learn and become interested in kink from the internet and other media.

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Kink isn’t limited to professional models

There are plenty of anti-porn crusaders who will engage in smut-shaming. This post will not go that way. Instead, I assume you already have made your decision about sex in the media and want to continue in that direction. 

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Most people only see the end product of a kink shoot and not how it’s made

Sexual fantasies are therapeutic. They assist us to engage in or cope with psychological needs. When guys have fantasies about a BDSM encounter, it suggests a desire for a special relationship that they need.  In an article by 

Gareth May|

 Your Brain on BDSM: Why Getting Spanked and Tied Up Makes You Feel High

“many BDSM practitioners attribute  the pleasurable pain of their fetish to the endorphin rush that comes from acting out their fantasies”

In 
IRENE CHEN 

Submit to your kinks: the nuanced psychology of BDSM

I… have known [about BDSM] since middle school, back when I first “accidentally” discovered porn. I’ve been fascinated and drawn to this culture ever since. It was, however, only recently that those long-awaited fantasies were fulfilled…[there are] more people who fantasize, practice or are interested in this kink than the general public think…

BDSM is much more than just whips and chains. It’s much more than just physical pleasure. It’s psychological. There are certain emotional and mental fulfillments that are realized by relinquishing control to another person. 

why do I enjoy BDSM so much? It’s a relationship of trust between two people. It’s an escape from the stresses and responsibilities of school or work. It’s a play of power that fulfills the desire of making the choice to give myself up

In Dr. J. Lehmiller’s article: The Deeper Psychological Meaning Behind Your Sexual Fantasies

he conducted a survey of over 4000 Americans and found:

 people who fantasized more about BDSM—and especially about submissive and masochistic activities—reported more of a need to receive approval and to feel desired. …because these specific BDSM acts offer an escape from self-awareness. ..
masochistic acts…have the effect of increasing mindfulness

Although psychologists and psychiatrists no longer regard
BDSM pathological, the general public continues to stigmatize the practice. While a few popular handbooks like The Joy of Sex  by 
Alex Comfort 

have a chapter devoted to kinky play with handcuffs and a flogger, the public still regards the BDSM relationship as taboo. 

The general attitude about BDSM continues to be one of rejection. Information about the practice is limited to NSFW blogs, “expose stories” (such as Fifty Shades )  and porn. The recent purge of “NSFW” content from social media has relegated knowledge about BDSM relationships to scholarly articles, popular books and movies and to the porn industry. 

In Michael Castleman M.A. 

The Surprising Psychology of BDSM Players

Fifty Shades also got one thing horribly wrong: It depicts the dominant (dom, top) Christian Grey as the product of horrendous child abuse and implies that it propelled him into BDSM. In other words, Fifty Shades plays into the widely held belief that those involved in BDSM are psychologically damaged if not pathological.

Experienced BDSM practitioners realize that mainstream media will often get it wrong, but where do newbies turn to learn about BDSM?

Most people get their knowledge about BDSM from “porn” . 

A number of “sexual purists” have criticized porn for its excesses but the bigger issue is the expectations you may have from viewing sex on the media.  A porn shoot requires a great deal of set-up, multiple takes, slick editing, etc. You see a perfect distillation of many hours or days of work. Actors have their bodies perfected for the camera (temporary starvation, spray-tanned, bleached skin, practiced and prop augmented sex positions, etc.). Yes, the things you see on kink.com do happen but there is a lot of preparation and a dozen or more technicians behind the cameras for every scene they shoot. 

actors try to present the passion of a relationship amidst the cameras, lights, and technicians

In porn shoots, things often go wrong and retakes are often necessary. But in your private affair, you have only one shot with your partner in a dingy dungeon or a cramped bedroom. So when things go wrong, do you bail?

If a sex worker doesn’t deliver exactly what the client wants, he won’t get repeat business

You might say “of course not!” but from my experience in sex work, some clients will not call for your services again if you don’t deliver perfectly the first time.

But sex work is a competitive business for guys. Long-term relationships (including FWB’s) aren’t, or at least your relationship with someone you plan to get to know shouldn’t be a “make or break” on the first date. But they are. 

If you can get through a shit arisen sex session, you can handle anything. Surviving such an embarrassing situation together and being able to move past it could lead to a deeper…understanding and relationship. http://bit.ly/2rxWLUE 

Maybe some guys don’t realize how messy sex is? Maybe they only see the “filth” and not the beautiful? Does the “filth” make BDSM flawed? 

Guys are sometimes unable to get aroused when the reality doesn’t match up to their fantasy 
of their partner

UptheHill commented:  
You make sex so beautiful and natural and loving, even when it’s downright kinky and filthy as well. You normalize the raw, primal side of sex in this really beautiful way that I think encourages people to explore what they like and to recognize what they don’t without ever overstepping uncomfortable boundaries.

I agree with critics who have said that BDSM has been tarnished by the pros. For example, many guys associate Femdom with prodomme marketing. Much of BDSM suffers from a lack of marketing of it’s positive aspects and an overabundance of commercial marketing by the pros. 

Some guys expect women to be models of perfection and will reject them for anything less. I attended a photography exhibition and was intrigued by the extreme detail in the portraits of women:

High-resolution photographs of women reveal common skin blemishes Richard Learoyd – Vanessa

If you live with women, you see these everyday aspects of them but you don’t turn away. But with sex-workers and porn, you reject flaws. 

In Grindr Didn’t Invent Gay A**holes Jeremy Helligar 

writes: 
Back in the good old days before smartphones and social media took over everyone’s existence, gay life — and gays in general — were so much nicer…
I’m old enough to remember when gays were shamed for going to bars and clubs to meet people. Now the shaming space is a different venue: gay dating and hook-up apps…
Why are men who spend their lives battling judgment often so judgmental themselves?

My point is that if you’re expecting the same “perfection” from commercial porn to your real-life relationships, you may never have one last too long.

Silken Claws commented:

Every aspect of kink, in reality, is at least a little different to the fantasy of it, but that does not necessarily make it flawed. And every relationship has its challenges. That’s not a reason to end it.