What will you do when one day your partner wants you to dominate her? She knows you have a fantasy for #bdsm and now she wants you to make your move. Or, you have sub fantasies and your partner wants to take things to the next level.
Do you freak out?
Here are some reasons I’ve heard about a guy’s reasons for freaking out:
- you’ve never done this before and don’t know the first steps.
- you’re afraid your relationship with your partner will change if you go down the rabbit hole.
- you’re afraid you’ll dislike something about #bdsm and want to back out of it gracefully.
- Many guys are averse to beating women.
- you’re really embarrassed to learn about her darker secrets.
- you’re afraid your friends, family or associates will find about your fetishes and not respect you.
- If you’re a sub, you fear you’ll lose the equality aspects of your relationship.
- you think you’ll become addicted to the #bdsm lifestyle.
Imagine this scenario: you’ve been dating her for a while, or you’ve been married to her and doing “vanilla” and eventually she would like you to dominate her. You might wonder why. All along, you’ve been maintaining a post-feminist “equality” kind of relationship where you help out and do the chores, etc. and how could this happen? Most guys are natural leaders, possibly because they are less afraid of taking risks, or less concerned about what others might think. She then comes to see you as dominant at least in this respect. Now she wants to take it to the next level. She wants you to “own” her.
What is she saying? She wants a deeper commitment from you that will satisfy her fantasies. She’s giving you the gift of her submission.
What do you do?
You freak out because it’s way deeper than you’ve become accustomed to
You take possession of her precious gift.
If you choose the former option (freakout), your relationship is in jeopardy. So if you really want to continue the relationship (or you’ve been married for a long time), you choose the 2nd option: you assume “ownership” of her and become the true dominant you really are.
But what do you do next?
Here are 2 things you must figure out how to communicate to her:
- claim her as yours
- seduce her into submitting to your dominance.
For the first move begin to identify her as your princess, baby girl, soul mate, queen, sub. or whatever works for both of you. Convince her that you will always be loyal and take care of her special needs. Tell her that she is the most important person in your life. OK, maybe it seems like a stretch to you but this is your one shot. Just say it as often as you can (daily at least) and after awhile it becomes natural to you. Maybe you’ll come to think that way eventually.
For the 2nd move, talk to her and learn what you can do to trigger her sub. side. Learn how to get her aroused first. A thing to remember is that many women are not aroused by penetrative sex. Don’t assume you can dive into some rough sex with her immediately. Think about how you can show her that you own her. Order her around a little. Do some light bondage and tease her with a little pain. Tempt her and edge her with your fingers, a vibrator or your tongue. Get her aroused and wanting you.
Always communicate with your partner about your experience. Ask her about what she desires. Improve on your dominance. You can learn much about the role from many sources (such as Kink Academy ) If things go well, talk about taking things to the next level.
If you are aiming for a DD relationship, you might consider a contract to seal the deal (see Domestic Discipline, Jenny style! ) .
If you’re on the sub. side – it may take considerable more effort to bring out your partner’s dominant side. More on this in a future post.