How her mind rejects the pain but her pussy is aroused by a spanking


In BDSM, pain can become a pleasure.

We call this “erotic pain”

If a submissive is drawn toward it,

the erotic pain that is involved in D/s serves to shut down her actively thinking mind so she is free to feel and respond spontaneously and that is where much of the freedom in submission can be found…

When you are in pain….your focus, your awareness…becomes focused on sensation. I have a very busy mind….always ruminating over one thing or another… The pain allows me to focus on sensation and really release myself from the world. This is only one aspect…but an important one. The pain stimulus does wonders too. My physical reactions… arousal, is spurred immediately by the slap of a paddle or the pinch of a clamp.

Feeling that she is being controlled by you is essential in enabling her to “stay” with the sensations she will be receiving, to absorb it without mentally “running away”.

During the spanking you are emphasizing that you are in control and she is accepting it. In fact, the harder the spanking is, the more your both feel your roles.

As she is laying across your lap enjoying the light spanks and feeling of being submissive, what she is probably wanting at this point is for you to start spanking harder! As her bottom gets warmed up, the more used to the sensation she becomes. It now loses its initial intensity which increases the desire to feel something a bit stronger.

If you reach one hand underneath her and place a finger on each side of her clit, you can continue to spank her and simultaneously give her more direct sexual pleasure. The more aroused she becomes, the more her perception of the sting will change and become transformed into that delicious combination of pleasure/pain that we love so much.

In Pleasure Spankings and Erotic Pain

You could start with simply caressing her bottom with your hand, stroking it softly to sensitize the area, allowing her to relax and place her attention there. This helps her let go of her thoughts and settle into her body and all the wonderful sensations that it can give her.

The caressing alone should be arousing, but the position of being naked and over your lap also puts her in a submissive state of mind. Feeling that she is being controlled by you is essential in enabling her to “stay” with the sensations she will be receiving, to absorb it without mentally “running away”.

How can pain be erotic? From my experience and talking to others, it helps if you’re in an erotic encounter with your partner with the goal that you’ll climax into sexual bliss. The guy is turned on by her butt outlined in sexy lingerie. He has to touch it. Touching leads to grabbing, grabbing leads to slaps, slaps lead to spanks. She senses his intentions and  what he wants. His dominance means he wants her. She wants to be taken by him. The painful stimulus of the slapping and spanking suggests her body produce its natural lubricant before the ultimate consummation.

BDSM is often linked with sex. There are occasions when sex won’t happen in a session but somehow erotic pain still works. How is that? Like smelling good food as you pass a restaurant even when you’re not hungry, the suggestion of erotic possibility may be sufficient to convert pain into erotic pain.

Many guys get off after a session with a dominatrix even when the rules prevent sex. Women are more subtle. They need to accept the one guy who they want to make hers. If she’s with her guy, little gestures can turn ordinary stimuli into erotic ones.

How her mind couldn’t accept the pain, but she became aroused from a spanking in

phoems thoughts about life

I am on a path of self-discovery and I am evolving. That is not an easy thing to do. I am more than 40 years old so it is time, but I don’t like it.

I have lived a life trying to fulfill the expectations and desires of everybody else, never really questioning it. Emotions, breaking the protocol, going outside the norm, all those things were forbidden. Not because we lived in a sect or anything like that, but simply because that was the way we were supposed to do things.

In addition to that, several traumas in my teenage years taught me that emotions, feelings and all that crap was to be avoided at all cost. Present the calm, sensible, normal face to the world.

Luckily a lot of people have written books about this topic, so I don’t need to.

But I am looking for a book about…

View original post 403 more words

Posted in impact-play, spanking | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Which One Are You?

To see beyond the reality of life and discover deeper meaning and beauty…

Mugilan Raju

Some will push me higher, while others will drag me down.

Some will soar with my thoughts, while others will crawl with my shadows.

Some will fill me up, pouring pieces of their own soul into me, while others will empty me with bitterness and their noise.

Some might say that I am a wordsmith, who lubricates words with a pen filled with my own seawater tears so I could write an ocean of love for her.

Others claim that I am a fraud, hiding in between lines.

Some might say that I am a narcotic in the rawest form, you can get high on my words, the kind of high you would get when stardust runs in your bloodstream and galaxies tangled in your mind.

Others claim that I am a drug dealer, and you are that drug addict who keeps coming back for more.

Some might say that…

View original post 243 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

How BDSM can save a marriage

BDSM isn’t for everyone, but for some it can rekindle their marriage

In Anna Davies’ How BDSM Saved Our Marriage

When we arrived [at our first play party] , there were people being spanked in one room and others walking around on leashes, which helped us realize we weren’t that into exhibitionism. But the idea of BDSM definitely got us going, and that night, my husband dominated me. He held my hands over my head as we had sex, and I had to call him sir and ask permission before I touched him or had an orgasm. It was definitely hot, and something that we wanted to try again….[later] I had no idea whether he was going to spank me or pleasure me…I ended up crying when he spanked me because it hurt, but I didn’t want him to stop—I would have felt like I had failed.

When you’re engaging in BDSM, you have to be entirely in the moment. There’s no faking it. There’s also a level of vulnerability—we have the power to literally hurt each other, so we trust that the other will listen when we use a safe word, or we can talk about things afterward if they didn’t go the way we planned.

We played around with different aspects of domination and submission for almost a year before we incorporated impact toys like paddles, and we’re still learning about what we both enjoy. Some couples take cooking classes—we learn how to tie each other up. And if it makes us feel more connected, well, what could be bad about that?

In BDSM Saved My Failing Marriage from Divorce

Eventually, I had an affair. He found out about it, of course. And I didn’t care about my marriage enough at that point to try to keep it much of a secret. But I did feel really bad when I saw how hurt he was. We were at a crossroads: We either had to go our separate ways or try to repair our marriage. We decided to give our relationship one last chance. For me, that started with getting our sex life back on track.

As we got more into the kink scene we spent more time researching different methods, toys, and scenarios. We learned what we liked and what we didn’t, and it really helped me especially to become more in tune with what turns me on. For instance, I’m into electric wands but not whips, ropes but not handcuffs, and I still love costumes. Many people worry that BDSM is a cover for domestic violence but in our case, if anything, it’s made my husband even more respectful of my body. Over time it’s become our couple hobby.

BDSM has definitely made us stronger and happier together than we’ve ever been. And our sex life is never boring, which is not something many people who’ve been married as long as we have can say!

as she gains more confidence in showing her submission to her dominant, she’s willing to share her pictures with us

read the full post here

Love Is A Paraphilia

This has been the sexiest year of my life. Of course, 2011, when I met my partner was a seriously hot one but it wasn’t nearly as deep and intimate as the experiences we’ve shared lately. It is glorious how much we’ve grown in the seven years we have been together. I attribute most of that to kink, bdsm, and love.

One of my favorite things we’ve been doing lately is experimenting with erotic and fetishphotography. This isn’t really new per se, I’m a photographer, but I have been in front of the camera more in the past few months than I ever have before. My partner has been stretching his brilliant artist muscles and capturing images of me that have changed my life. That may sound a bit dramatic, but I stand by it.

lovedandleashed This image makes me feel sexy and empowered. I absolutely love it…

View original post 1,221 more words

Posted in bdsm, bdsm-psych | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

How a domminant communicates to her submissive to reinforce her dominance


In How To Talk Like a Mistress

Before a Mistress can communicate anything…She must first know what it is She “wants” to communicate… to understand “what” it is You want to accomplish with Your words

In Position Manual for submissive males – Introduction 

Goddess Ezada Sinn writes:

The Domme acts and the slave reacts…her communication will be giving orders mainly…the slave understands those correctly and then immediately reacts to them.Mistress and slave will only be able to reach this ultimate goal of total power exchange if this basic understanding is there and works



How a dominant reworks a simple request into a command to reinforce the relationship she has with her submissive…and how he responds to it….check out this post by Mistress Scarlett

A dominant can reinforce the D/s relationship with her submissive by giving him direct orders. The submissive must listen to her intently and follow the orders quickly.

Real Life Female Domination

It is useful, as often as possible when it’s just the two of you, even in vanilla times, to issue a curt instruction instead of a polite request . It will keep him subjugated to you and in awe of you and make you feel like the queen you are. Instead of, ‘Please get me a cup of tea hun,’ you say ‘Get me tea hun.’ Or go even more curt than that.

‘Tea now.‘ or perhaps that is too curt and so,

‘Tea now bitch.’ or ‘Tea now puppet.’ or ‘Tea now slave.’ or ‘Tea puppet.’

NEVER SAY THANK YOU! Instead of you thanking him when he delivers, he must thank you. He only need to say the two words, ‘Thank you’, but you both know he means, ‘thank you for the privilege of being allowed to serve you amazing goddess. I know you could replace me…

View original post 204 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Why do people have fantasies of Watersports in BDSM?

watersports (urophilia) is a pretty uncommon sexual interest…but for some it provides a ritual for a deeper connection to their partners

In   GIRL ON THE NET’s Why Some People Enjoy ‘Watersports’ – And What It’s Really Like

Piss play is sexy for the same reason that BDSM is sexy: it’s considered naughty, dirty, even morally wrong, so we use our sexual playtime to explore the taboo in a safe, consensual way.

I like watching men hold their dicks in their hands. I also like the sheer quantity that you can get with urine…it’s the expression on a guy’s face when he … ‘relieves himself.’ There are echoes of the satisfaction of a really good orgasm.

In    Urine demand: A beginner’s guide to urophilia

Dr. Griffiths cites a paper in a 1982 edition of the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry by Dr R. Denson [that] found that the urine fulfilled many different functions for urophiles. The functions of urine included it (i) serving as a fetishistic object, (ii) being used to humiliate or be humiliated (i.e., through urinating on another person or being urinated upon), and/or (iii) capturing the spirit of a sexual partner. ..

 urination may serve masochistic and/or sadistic purposes

In Golden Showers and Watersports: How Many People are Sexually Aroused by Urine and Why?

psychologists believe that there’s more than one underlying cause, meaning that different people might find urine arousing for very different reasons….attraction to urine could potentially stem from a broader interest in BDSM: some may find it arousing to urinate on a partner as an act of dominance, whereas others may find it arousing to be urinated on or to be “forced” to drink a partner’s urine as an act of submission or humiliation.

others might experiment with watersports out of a more general interest in simply trying something new, novel, or taboo. Likewise, some might give it a try simply because our disgust response lessens during sexual arousal, which means that things we might otherwise think of as gross don’t seem quite as unappealing when we’re horny

having an unusual sexual interest such as urophilia does not necessarily mean that one is mentally disturbed or has a psychological disorder

working with bodily fluids can evolve from a D/s ownership experience to something more primal for both dominants and submissives

To read more, check this post

A majority of men and women have sexual fantasies of BDSM

Slap Ass For Motivation

If you are interested, here’s part 1 from over three years ago when I was still with Sir Sade, my second Dom. After him, with Atticus (my 3rd and last Dom), watersports was less prominently part of our kink. I feel like Atticus did enjoy watersports (urine, saliva, semen) but they weren’t exactly his fetishes. It’s funny to read the part 1 now, of how a hard limit of mine can turn into one of my fetishes. I think my attitude towards the whole thing had changed so much in the last three years too. Before I considered it incredibly erotic because of the whole ownership aspect, and because it felt to kinky doing it, it made me submission feel deeper. But now I felt completely different about it. Let me explain.

View original post 967 more words

Posted in bdsm-play, watersports | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Church is the floor she kneels on (Part 2)

practicing BDSM can be a form of meditation

In the linked post, the author describes how, as a dominant, he enters his sub into a state of mindfullness before he begins impact play.

How to prepare your sub for impact play with mindfulness

check this post

In Sandra LaMorgese Ph.D. ‘s Dominatrix Explains How ‘BDSM Can Be A Form Of Meditation’

The meditative form of BDSM is called “subspace.” My submissive clients describe it as an altered state of consciousness in which they feel completely liberated from stress. It’s a practice that allows you to completely let go of internal and external stress so that you can fully immerse yourself in the present moment. As the Dominatrix, I also experience a corresponding mental state of relaxation from my deep focus and concentration.

Love Is A Paraphilia

A much-ballyhooed 2013 study conducted at Tilburg University claimed people in BDSM relationships have “higher subjective well‐being” than those who identified as vanilla.

Journalists and kinky people around the world soon began citing it as scientific evidence for the psychological health benefits of BDSM. Unfortunately.

As is often the case with this kind of research, the public at-large (mostly) got it wrong. The study actually concluded little more than that “BDSM may be thought of as a recreational leisure, rather than the expression of psychopathological processes.”

Rather than indicate practitioners of BDSM had somehow figured out a secret path to better mental health, the study simply showed that people with hobbies tend to be better off than those who languish in boredom, and that BDSM wasn’t any more dangerous than most “recreational leisure.”

In fact, the methodology alone shows how limited the scope of the study was. According to the…

View original post 1,205 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Can you have love in BDSM?



BDSM couples often signal each other their dominant and submissive roles.

In Can you have a truly loving relationship in BDSM? Michael Benes 


BDSM does not require love, but it certainly does not exclude love…The idea that I can beat and choke my wife, and do it with nothing but love in my heart…it just does not seem right.

In BDSM Does Not Equal Sex Does Not Equal Love (Automatically)

BDSM is the richest and most satisfying …when it’s combined with a romantic, loving, sexy relationship….[but one can] play with people in educational, party or private settings, people that, for whatever reason, are not romantic relationship or intimate relationship possibilities…If you’re a perspective play partner who knows that you’re not likely to fall in love with someone and they’ve told you they’re quite likely to fall in love with you if you play together…, then maybe you need to proceed with caution before you play with that person.



A Kinky relationship, or one that engages in kinky sex is stronger for a variety of reasons not the least of which include the increased sense of intimacy and the levels of communication


In Love in BDSM lifestyle


what is it that gives pleasure to a sub? What gives her happiness and joy? Knowing that she serves her Master/Dom. When she gives her body to be sexually used in the ways her Dom enjoys, she is filled with pleasure and happiness looking at him taking pleasure. When she needs correction she takes her punishment with pleasure…After the sexual act or the punishment both will share a moment of “after care”. The Dom will go close to her to provide her the reassurance she is the one for him, he might hold her in his hug or kiss her or even grow “vanilla”. ..She …will “swim” deep in that feeling, will surrender her self even more in that “after care” happy she is the one for him. They might even grow playful in a silly way and share a laugh but they will be together as one and that is the core of Love, the meaning of Love. Love is when two individuals act as one, feel as one, think as one and live as one. They forget the “I” and become “We”. …“I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me.”


In Dennis Najee’s  Love and BDSM

Does that mean there is not a “love” among a Master and slave. Certainly, especially in a long-term relationship, there is a strong bond that is formed. Is it love? Perhaps it is and, then again, maybe it is not. The individuals involved determine what they experience…there are many BDSM relationships that contain love as a basic component. However, there are also many instances where this is absent from the relationship.


Many relationships become long-term if there are similar socio-economic conditions because our culture reinforces at least heterosexual relationships (as a legal marriage, for instance).

From the few surveys of BDSM practitioners, the activity is popular to only less that 10% of the general population. The majority of submissives are women and the majority of dominants are men. We don’t know the exact reasons for this but at least the statistics suggest the odds are better for dominant guys looking for submissive women to form long-term relationships because of the the likely BDSM role “fit” and the cultural forces. Prospective couples with moderately disparate socio-economic status could form a BDSM-themed relationship that may resemble a “vanilla” one in other respects.

From my experience, it is not unusual to see couples that have wide differences form BDSM attachments. Ethnic, age, economic, personality, cultural and  political differences can still survive the “glue” that BDSM provides practitioners. The predominant personality trait is dominant and submissive when they are together.  I see this often with couples that have significant age differences such as Daddy, little girl, cougar/boy, etc. Generally most research places dominants on the controlling side and submissives with a more agreeable personality. 

For guys who deviate from the BDSM norms of their gender, the possibility of forming a relationship is much harder, but these relationships can succeed because the basic cultural influences (i.e. hetero-normative) provide at least a “vanilla” glue that partners can build on.

For GLBT practitioners, there are even fewer likely practitioners and little or no cultural support. Nevertheless, the scarcity of participants limits the selections of partners. People may have to “settle” with whoever they can find that will at least satisfy higher priority partnership needs.



sometimes love is expressed by a quiet evening together enjoying our special relationship. Why women prefer submissive roles is largely unknown, but the roles provide them with a sense of security if they can partner with a dominant who can care for them exclusively.
a guy doesn’t always have to lead the evening when the feeling is right, do it! Many guys are not proactive with their partners for making the first advances. It’s now acceptable for women to make the first moves, even if she plays a submissive role.
sometimes a guy has to comfort his princess from bad dreams. Dominant women still have basic, primal fears. Submissive guys who partner with them may have to occasionally “protect” them emotionally while still retaining their submissive role.
your dominant can be playful too! The general public often views BDSM practices negatively because of the over-promoted pain and suffering that is exchanged in commercial and public play sessions. While this makes for interesting erotic drama, it does not reflect the daily activities of those in BDSM partnerships.
In a flexible relationship, power is always negotiated. Dominants do not usually want to be on top all the time. They’re willing to give power to their submissive and let them run the play from time to time.
Your partner will do whatever you need to keep your love for her. If a guy reveals to his partner what really turns him on, she may respond to his needs in time. 
BDSM can deepen your marriage. Many married couples yearn for deeper commitment. BDSM relationships can intensify the relationship.
BDSM is often a form of play to keep desire flowing. BDSM play is often symbolic of the practitioners inner desires.
Her submission is precious. Treasure it! When she submits, she is making a deeper commitment to you. Don’t ignore it even if you don’t fully understand what is happening. Accept her gift immediately and figure things out afterward.
explore new roles, new realities with your partner. BDSM opens up the realm of possibilities of role-reversal, guys exploring their feminine side and women exploring their masculine one.
you don’t always have to top. let her toy with your body. Let her feel you to get a sense of how your arousal mechanism works. Feeling says much more than words. 
Your partner can be aroused simply by watching you wield the whip. The drama of the pose can often be more arousing than the action itself.
when she dresses up for you, worship her. Remember, it may be difficult for your partner to wear uncomfortable fetish clothing. Respect her for her efforts and respond to your fantasy by showing her your devotion.
if women can look sexy in lingerie, maybe guys can also arouse their partner. There is a large selection of undergear that guys can wear that will show off their best assets. It’s important to get your partner as aroused as you are.
love is about finding the ways that work best for you and your partner. Communicate your needs with her in a neutral setting and let her time to process your desires. Also, don’t refuse her fantasies immediately. Take time to think about it and maybe take the chance that it will also be eventually interesting to you.
It’s the little things that she’ll do with you…that builds love.It sometimes starts as a love bite on your neck while she strokes you and get accustomed to associating a little pain with your arousal. And who knows, maybe you’ll eventually consider body modifications as a way to show her that you want to belong to her.
Posted in bdsm, bdsm-play, relationships | Tagged , | 11 Comments