FemDom for the NextGen – a look at a ‘vulnerable’ ProDomme

LolaRuin describes how being open and vulnerable creates a different ProDomme experience

Many people are opposed to prodommes for various reasons. Much of the opposition comes from women who contend that Prodommes are merely catering to male fantasies. Yet those who have worked with dominatrices see them as sex workers who fulfill a need and provide useful services.

Some prodommes see themselves as feminists who believe in sex-positive practice and the freedom of women to choose the careers they want.

In this post, I present the feminist views of Lola Ruin, a dominatrix.

In her recent blog post
MistressLolaRuin writes:

[at first] men who came to see Me wanted a strong, powerful Woman. They wanted to place you on a pedestal, and use you like a blank screen they could project their fantasies onto. In order to be a successful Domme, you should curate every little glimpse they see to reflect that ideal. Under no circumstances, should you show any weakness or vulnerability. ..I
questioned this ‘Dominant Ideal’ 

As a feminist, I also felt conflicted about being a sex worker… I was actively contributing to a highly sexualized view of women

I (willingly) let the façade slip. I began to write more personal blog posts, and spoke more openly about things I feel are important in BDSM.

The more vulnerability I showed, the more that seemed to resonate with people. Prospective slaves began to seek Me out as a result of the thoughts and writings I had begun to share. As I began to become more authentic and vulnerable in My work, that seemed to really strike a chord with My submissives.

I talked openly about the importance of consent, relationship styles, and mental health. As I did, I suddenly found My submissives were becoming not only more compatible with Me, but that they were opening up to Me more and more. They confined not only their innermost fantasies but their own struggles. Many of them told Me they had never confined that in anyone else before. ..
sometimes just being able to speak aloud about your problems can be healing

My work became far more meaningful and real, for both Myself and My submissives…

Although I adore to dish up pain, in many ways I am not your traditional Pro-Domme. Rather than shouting and screaming, I prefer to softly whisper promises of reward and punishment to you in My sultry feminine voice…

Mistress Ruin enjoys tormenting submissive guys
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Can a FLR save a marriage?

flr1

An FLR can start at the time of the conventional marriage or later.

Can a Female Led Relationship (FLR) save a marriage?

In Can a FLR save my marriage?

put the wife in charge of the marriage and all will be well. ..

What a FLR can do and do very well is ensure that a marriage will not need saving. 

I believe that the cornerstone of a female led relationship is the woman’s total control over her husband or boyfriend’s sexuality. A cock cage is best but even absent a cage, a man needs to understand that his sexual desires are to conform to his wife’s needs. 

it is a matter of a woman taking charge of her own sexual enjoyment …

Properly disciplined a submissive husband will never have any odious habits. He’ll be showed and shaved on the schedule you set. He will ask permission before having a beer or a glass of wine. He will stay at the weight you decide is best for him and exercise to ensure he avoids the dreaded Dad bod. A dominant wife with a fat husband is a contradiction in terms. Most women enjoy being enfolded in good, strong arms. In this day and age, that means working out. Not too hard, but regularly. Part of his training is to keep himself desirable for you even if you rarely allow him the pleasure of sex. He needs to know that you are proud of him, see him as your arm candy with all that implies.

In an FLR the wife has the last word. When she says, “Not another word.” she can back it up with anything from a brief timeout in his corner to a full scale whipping with multiple instruments with her husband tied down. A well trained, well-disciplined husband learns to listen, carefully, to whatever his wife says. He learns to do exactly what he is told and to do nice things without being asked.

The time to save your marriage is long before it needs saving.

Many marriages fail because of a lack of communication or a miscommunication. FLR’s based on BDSM often have contracts. Contracts can be a basis for communication (among other topics). Communication can lead to corrective action by either behavior change or punishment (or both).

FLR’s have more success when built upon a stable marriage. An FLR can set the scene for negotiating wants and needs that each partner has in the interest of maintaining the relationship.

Here’s an account about how a marriage ended because of miscommunication but there is hope for  a FLR. Why a FLR is different from a marriage.

http://lockmeandkeepme.home.blog/2018/12/28/flr-and-me-and-her/

There are many guides on how to set up a FLR

Lockmeandkeepme

Just some further thoughts on this subject

I’ve been reading alot lately. Not normal for me, but I’m trying to grow.

FLR is a subject I’m very interested in. It started as a sexual fantasy. Like most men, I think. I feel I have submissive tendencies. I’ve done some exploration of what it means to be submissive. My research in that area has been very eye opening to me. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought I would. One thing I’m learning is that for a submissive man, that submission is deeply personal. So much so, that some submissives will argue that their view of submission is more correct than anyone else’s. To the point of looking unfavorably at another’s ideas about the subject. These subs are usually in a long term FLR. Their dynamic has been very successful for them for a long period of time.

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Can The Next Generation commit to a BDSM relationship?

Guys of the “Next Generation” prefer to set their own style of doing things

For some, bdsm is more than topping or bottoming your partner at play parties.

There will usually be a time after a period of dating when your partner and you decide where to go with your forming relationship. If the dates are just for play, then you continue to keep things loose. If either of you wants a deeper emotional commitment – then you’ll have to decide what to do next.

In this post, I’ll walk you through a scenario where you will be put on the spot and must let your intentions be known to your partner.

Most BDSM relationships start out as casual pay because of reasons such as:

  • 1. you want to test out the other partner – to determine his or her interests and limits within BDSM
  • 2. You have other commitments such as a spouse and a family that you are monogamously attached to
  • 3. You’re not sure you want to accept the roles in power exchange with your partner more than what you do in casual play
  • 4. You don’t know what you are doing or fully understand what you’ve gotten into.

when a couple becomes comfortable in their play, they’ll consider commitment

Usually if you’ve played with someone for a while, you’ll know if they want to keep the relationship as just play or are they interested in commitment. There are advantages to commitment. In Commitment in Power Exchange Relationships

[a commitment is ] a 24/7 relationship…which is beyond role playing, beyond the occasional, maybe once-a-week BDSM activity. Many living the day in and day out of this lifestyle define themselves as a slave, as a Master, as a submissive, or as a Dominant, and they often begin the relationship with the same commitment ideals as any other couple.

The commitment to each other tends to be more solid than one of a vanilla relationship. And while there certainly are those in the BDSM lifestyle that enjoy play for physical gratification only, there are many more who prefer a bonded, fulfilling, and committed relationship, just as many vanilla married couples do. 

In A Loving Introduction to BDSM Michael Castleman writes:

[bdsm] aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond…
they find conventional (“vanilla”) sex unfulfilling and want something more intense and intimate. 

How do you make a BDSM relationship livable? In Making a Livable 24-7 D/s

Transitioning from a vanilla marriage or long term relationship to a D/s relationship is a cultural change. Everything you have learned in society about the roles of husbands, wives, men, women, Dominance and submission is going to be turned upside down. ..
There is a difference between a submissive saying they will submit and truly emotionally and mentally accepting their submission and giving themselves over to their Dominant.  ..
It also takes time for a Dominant to truly understand and develop their role as a Dominant who is responsible to provide and care for their submissive …
Your levels of Dominance and submission continue to evolve and deepen in your relationship as your personal acceptance of the culture of your relationship evolves. As you accept your role and all of the interdependent aspects that go along with it you will see your understanding of both yourself and the other to evolve along with it. …
Focus on making small changes that your dynamic can handle and allow it the time to adapt to that change. When you find that things are flowing well and the dynamic has grown, add some more elements to that you both feel will keep things in balance and allow your dynamic to flourish….make lots of small changes instead of large changes that stress the relationship. Focus on the ability to LIVE your dynamic as a lifestyle 24/7 and stay committed to working on it for the long-term.

MASTERMARC  

described a BDSM commitment as an emotional one which is
 about wanting to do something, regardless of whether you “need to” or “ought to”. There’s a strong sense of belonging and the feeling of being part of the family. You feel happy when things go well, and sad when things go badly. ..
Commitment matters because it shapes how people think, feel and behave.

There are 3 types of BDSM “old guard” relationships:

• Relationship between individuals. This could be Dom/sub, Master/slave, DD/lb or whatever roles works for you. If you’re poly it might be D/s/s or M/M/s or some other combination.

• Relationship between individual and the House/Clan or other immediate BDSM family. Formal Houses are a slightly Old Guard concept for many, but they’re not extinct, and many households have an informal relationship with outsiders that forms an extended family.

• Relationship with “the community”. Again, this is a slightly difficult concept. Some people in BDSM actively interact with a larger community grouping, while others take a more passive role or don’t interact at all.

the glue that really binds two people is emotional glue. The takeaway from this is that emotional commitment requires trustworthiness and fairness, and both sides must feel valued. Harsh and slightly abusive M/s relationships might sound hot to some people, but they will really only get the strength that comes from emotional commitment if both parties can find a way to reconcile that with the need for the relationship to be emotionally supportive.

The “old guard” said that if BDSM activities were consensual, they required a contract to define what the activities and roles of the participants were. The contract was developed and agreed to before serious play began. Why? In BEGINNER BDSM CONTRACTS ,

  1. They are meant to establish clear rules, boundaries, limits, punishments etc.
  2. They define goals in the relationship
  3. They guide your relationship (whether short or long term)
  4. They create moral authority
  5. Extend the role play aspect

Terms include:

  • Play term (how long – days/weeks/years)
  • Safe words,
  • soft limits,
  • hard limits,
  • must limits Rights,
  • responsibilities, and expectations of both parties

  • Exceptions or special circumstances

  • Punishments and rewards
  • Roles of Master and slaveExternal
  • participants (if any)
  • Areas of control Language and phrasingTerms of termination
  • Collaring (if applicable)
  • Promises of discretion

Before you enter into a power exchange, it would be nice to know what you’re getting into. You don’t need to sign a contract in order to be in a relationship with someone but it does help to go through the important issues. Signing one of these forms is not about trying to make someone stay with you. It’s about opening up the lines of communication and talking about what each of you wants from one another. Once you come to an agreement, refer back to it to see how your relationship develops and whether you are achieving goals.

A guide to contracts is here.

In the early days, the BDSM “old Guard” defined stages of BDSM relationships, the rites, rituals, and emblems that were common. For instance, there were several “collaring” ceremonies

The types of collars are illustrated here.

collaring is a lot like getting married
A collaring ceremony with vows

A collection of research articles is here.

A male is fitted with a necklace and a lock. His dominant holds the key to the lock.

A sample of bdsm wedding vows is here.

How does a bdsm collaring compare to a marriage? Check this video.

The Next Gen are eclectic in style and activities

BDSM and the “The Next Generation (TNG)”

Many younger bdsm enthusiasts (often labeled “millennial”) want to distance themselves from what they regard as “old guard” bdsm culture and eschew contracts, rites, rituals, fixed roles, etc. which they liken to a marriage (that they consider an archaic institution).

The BDSM “old guard” prefer traditional roles in hierarchical relationships

Many view bdsm a particular form of casual dating that they have in parties with FWB’s. An insight into the differences between “old guard (OG)” and TNG is illustrated here:

”I think the older leather community needs to embrace change, and a lot of them don’t want to,” says Smith, who identifies as a ”boy” in a household of one ”daddy” and two ”brothers” who outrank him in the domestic pecking order. ”That’s sometimes seen as being stubborn. That turns young people off.

”I once made a suggestion to a ‘sir,’ and he said, ‘I didn’t give you permission to speak to me.’ I apologized. I just wanted to suggest a different way of doing something. He still paid me no mind and said, ‘Don’t speak to me, boy.’ I should’ve asked permission, but he shouldn’t have come across like that. That’s ‘old guard.’ ‘New guard’ is a different interpretation of protocol.”

It’s tough to discuss issues of age and friction in the leather/BDSM community without bringing up the ”old guard (OG) ” and ”new guard (NG).” In the simplest terms, ”old guard” refers to those members of the leather/BDSM community who prefer a rigid hierarchy and a strict interpretation of traditional roles and protocols. ”New guard,” meanwhile, advocates a more liberated community, with members free to move through different identities or seek whatever stimulus they like, using their desires — rather than convention — as their guide.

But not all TNG are uncomfortable with the OG.
though [a TNG] may have felt slighted by an ‘old guard’ snub, they insist the overwhelming feeling in the leather community isn’t friction, but love: ”When I walk into a leather event, everyone is very warm and engaging.

… There’s much more of a celebration of individuality in the leather community. I always feel restricted when I go out with my non-leather friends. I’ve always sort of marched to the beat of my own drum, and I see this community as something that celebrates that.

While some of the TNG’s will accept OG they do not want to engage in LTR BDSM relationships along the lines of OG.

With an absence of any clear guidance, many hetero-monogamous couples are leaning toward conventional marriage as a default. This leaves out those who are not into monogamy. How will they celebrate their ‘marriages’? How will they explain their special relationship with others?

These questions are not easily answered. If you’re curious, visit one or more of the Fetlife groups listed at the bottom or attend an upcoming gathering of a TNG group in your area.

Further reading (Old Guard titles):

Partners in Power by Jack Rinella
Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin
The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

Next Generation Links:

There are at least 350 NG groups (mostly by area/city) on Fetlife

Groups of interest are:

TNG

Young Dommes and the slaves who want them

Education and Guidance of the Submissive

YouTube Other Free Fetish Video, Present & Next Generation Video Site Finder.

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How we live D/s 24/7

Many people believe that long distance relationships are never going to work out.

Tips On Making A Long Distance Relationship Work

long-distance-relationship

How can you have a 24/7 relationship when it’s long distance? Some insights in this post and comments rantingsofanonsensicalmind.com/2019/01/14/how-we-live-d-s-24-7/

I came across this question today and thought it could use some addressing.

“How is it possible to live a 24/7 lifestyle? You can’t submit 24 hours a day, it just isn’t possible.”

So many people get tunnel visioned when learning about D/s. There is so much information and not one right answer but many. I’ve not met a single person who can dominate or submit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Life happens and people change.

The bigger question is what does living D/s 24/7 mean to you? That is what truly matters.

Pet and I don’t live together, so much of our relationship is via phone and other means. Do I want him to? Hell yes, but we take what we can for now. We have set protocols and rules. When those rules get broken we address it and remedy it. The kink aspect of our…

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What is a soft FLR – a guy’s practical guide

Many guys are interested in a FLR but few can take the pain.

sometimes a guy wants his dominant to take care of him

In a previous post, I described the schism between femdom and FLR (female led relationships) . Guys who balk on the excessive rituals of femdom or the rigid rules of many FLR’s might consider a “soft” FLR. A soft FLR is one where you and your partner make up the rules of the relationship.

Mistress Ivey describes “soft-flr” in this way:

“You can make your FLR as hard or as soft as you like. There is no reason, other than you both want it, to subjugate your partner. That is, if you would rather withhold sex for a couple of days, or have him wash the dishes for a week instead of taking a paddle to his bare bottom, it is perfectly okay. You set your own rules.”

There are no rules, other than the ones you set for your own relationship

A soft FLR can be a standard FLR sans painful punishment. It could be limited to bedroom or party play.

For a soft FLR lifestyle, two forms are popular: gentle femdom (GFD) and wife led marriage (WLM)

Gentle Femdom. Many guys are attracted to “gentle femdom”.

Kinkly defines Gentle FemDom as female-led domination that doesn’t involve pain or humiliation. Its lack of the physical and mental pain that often comes from domination within the BDSM community can make the practice an appealing option for many submissive, pain-averse men.

Males in a gentle femdom relationship are often comforted by their dominant

The reddit group defines it this way:

It’s femdom without :

  • -humiliation
  • -pain (or maybe very very gentle pain)
  • -intense bondage, big restraints, cock cage…
  • -dubious con or non-con play, the sub crying or looking like he’s not enjoying himself
  • -and (generally speaking) violence

Gentle femdom is a type of power exchange. Like regular femdom, it puts the woman in a position of leadership and power, with the man in a position of subservience…
It’s female domination that is gentle. That being said the gentle part would not involve the more extreme forms of torture, pain or humiliation. [it is] a reversal of the DD/lg roles (would that be MD/lb= mommy dom little boy) without the age play. …

Its a milder form of femdon, focused on nurturing, loving, sensual attention. Less about the sexual acts involved and more about how the sexual acts are performed.

While most femdom is about abusing the sub and making them feel worthless and beneath you. GFD is more about putting her pleasure first, and being rewarded and loved for being a good boy.

However, unlike regular femdom, it is characterized by tamer elements. Typically, a GFD relationship will include the element(s) of praise, affection, affirmation, encouragement, and/or adoration from the domme to the submissive, as opposed to the harsher and more sadistic aspects that are popular in regular femdom. This is also reflected in play, as the impact play of gentlefemdom is generally much softer than in regular femdom.

Gentle femdom can be thought of a more loving and affectionate form of domination than traditional domination. Some people even describe the way a woman practicing Gentle femdom behaves as maternal because mothers take charge while attempting to spare their children harm. While a woman who practices Gentle femdom takes charge, she does not physically hurt, emasculate, or otherwise humiliate her submissive partner. She may encourage her partner to perform acts of servitude and please her sexually through submissive acts, like performing oral sex on her. She is likely to reward his attempts to please her through praise and physical affection. However, she is unlikely to punish him if he does not measure up, as a regular dominatrix would.

Chastity is often used in GFD. For example, a participant commented:

I’m kept in chastity and it can certainly be used in a very strict but gentle way. I’m never in pain, there’s no CBT for sure. But being able to use my cock? That’s so rare it’s a real treat when it happens.

The other form of “soft FLR” is the wife-led marriage.

Wife Led Marriage (WLM). A female-led relationship, also known as a loving female authority by its advocates, is where the woman is the married head of the household and makes all the decisions. It is not a thing of whips, chains and leather… She makes all the decisions – about money, sex, housework, everything. She might ask her husband for his opinion, but she has the last word. He does not fight about it or disobey her. She does not nag, she does not play games to push his buttons – because she does not have to: they both openly accept her authority. ..
The man winds up doing most of the housework. Because she can just tell him to do it and he does it. …
Her needs come first. His come second – if he has been good. Some say a man is easiest to control if he comes only once a month. 

In the early days (before 2000) couples would consummate their marriage in a ceremony where the man would vow to honor, serve and obey his partner. The woman would present a ring to him. She would not wear a ring and could date other men. He had to remain chaste and monogamous to her.

In some marriages the male would be forced to wear women’s lingerie and heels while at home to remind him of his place. Many men were outfitted with chastity devices that the woman held the key to.

Beautiful Secrets defines is as an asymmetrical relationship:

One of the most surprising aspects of wife led marriage is the asymmetric nature of sex. Few wives can imagine how different their sex life becomes when they assume a position of dominance in the marriage.

In a wife led marriage, the wife controls sex. Either she allows her husband to indicate an interest, to which she responds positively or negatively, or she reserves the initiation of sex entirely to herself. In either case, the wife is the gate keeper of sex.

When she does choose to engage in sex, it is primarily focused on her satisfaction.

The core belief states that as the woman become ever more proficient in exercising erotic power in your marriage, her husband begins to derive ever greater happiness from her satisfaction.

Some have compared WLM as a reverse DD (Domestic Discipline). It is popular with monogamous Christian couples who eschew the trappings of femdom.

Although not strong on corporal punishment, the woman can use mild punishment such as corner time, lines, hairbrush spankings, withholding sex, etc. to get her partner to come around.

Oddly, many sources and manifestos of WLM have disappeared from the internet. Site authors have stated they have said enough on the subject and have removed their sites.

As interest in marriage has waned, so has interests in WLM. Wearing women’s clothing is no longer a source of arousal.

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what’s the difference between a FLR and a femdom relationship – a practical guide for guys

….

The recent discussion about differences between a FLR and a femdom
relationship have left some guys bewildered. Guys want to have a lifestyle relationship with a partner who is into BDSM. Many are using kink dating sites that I mentioned in a previous post. When guys are asked “do you want FLR or femdom”, they don’t know how to answer.

The dispute between the differences of two terms is likely to continue for some time. Here is my attempt to outline how a relationship would be different.

Femdom is based on the old guard leather lifestyle. Most people associate them with dominatrices. Many dominatrices are interested in the profession, i.e., in making money from sex work. But even within this group there are some who would like to have a lifestyle relationship with a guy who is into what they are into: D/s.

Many guys now accept the traditional roles of women

Guys have struggled for years to accept the equality of women (and a few have succeeded) – but many guys cannot get their head around the idea that one gender (namely women) is superior to another. They’ll acknowledge that women are often superior in some areas of knowledge, but not in others. It is for this reason guys will not submit to women out of some doctrinaire of gender superiority.

some guys acknowledge that their partner is superior to them and accept a subservient role
Guys entering into a LTR femdom relationship may be expected to sign a contract
The general BDSM contract has these typical terms

Femdom relationships are based on the contractual agreement that a guy makes to obey his partner. If he disobeys he will usually receive corporal punishment. The general public associates this punishment with scenes of whips and chains in a dark dungeon.

For these and other reasons, some exponents of FLR have recently redefined the relationship as the woman leading but without the femdom practices I described.

In Te-Erika Patterson The 2 Basic Types of Female Led Relationships

Your partner may approach the subject of “surrender” to you. What do you do?

FLR that focus’s on controlling the man

[which is] the leading fantasy for men who are interested in Female Led Relationships. These men usually call it Femdom or Female Domination. They want a woman who is stern and focused on correcting their mistakes in a harsh way, punishing them and emotionally abusing them. They crave rejection. They want to be controlled. They want to feel fear of the woman they are with. They are usually masochists; people who enjoy pain. Patterson considers this as “femdom” and not the FLR she advocates.

Some men fear that a FLR relationship will “domesticate” them; others look forward to domestic service to their partner

FLR that focus’s on empowering the woman

[which is] If you need help, he helps. When you need love, he offers it. He is always thinking of ways to please you. No dream you could desire is out of his reach, or he will at least try to make it happen in some shape or form. This man is delighted to see you achieve even more than he could ever achieve. He won’t complain that you are not ‘dominating’ him enough or meeting his needs. His needs consist of one thing: ensuring that you are well taken care of and happy… If you expresses a need, he does not hesitate to secure it. He always says YES to you when you want something done. He doesn’t tell you no when you express that something is important to you. He asks you for your opinion on decisions because he wants to be sure that you are satisfied first.

men in a FLR may be tasked with many chores
some men believe that they will become a slave to their partner in a FLR and that they will be tasked with many chores to prove their submission and to please her


FLR relationships assume that the female in the relationship is superior to the male and that his duty is to obey and please her. If he strays from this hierarchy he is often shunned or given mild make-up tasks such as writing lines, standing in the corner, etc.

Some FLR writers contend that males can only be motivated by wearing chastity devices for long periods of time. The device controls his orgasms and somehow increases his ardor for his partner.

a male awaits for a spanking from his dominant. Spanking is the most common form of punishment in both femdom & flr relationships

The motivations for a relationship in femdom are illustrated in a previous post where a slave male knows he’s disobeyed his mistress and receives a painful flogging.

FLR punishment is best described as anything a dominant wants to do to influence her subs behavior. In Female Led Relationships: Femdom Lifestyle

The way to encourage good behavior is to reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. Don’t forget the positive reinforcement. Even masochists like hugs, kisses and praise. Catch your naughty subs doing things right once in a while, and remind them that putting you in a good mood is what makes you want to play. … get into the habit of rewarding what you like and punishing what you don’t.

In Formal Punishment Sessions

Ceremony and formality are appropriate for corporal punishment sessions… Curtains, cushions and candles create a ceremonious air and attractive environment. Here a Mistress can discipline her malesub enjoyably. .. The malesub will prepare the punishment space. Then place him in a vulnerable position making his body available for the spanking or whipping to come. As he waits there is nervous apprehension grows adding to his punishment without his Mistress exerting herself. She may be sipping a glass of wine meditating on his distress. .. her costume is elegant but simple. Basic black is perfect. Rather than heavy leather or PVC her costume allows ease of movement and evaporation of sweat.

If a 24/7 D/s relationship is impractical, @PracticalFLR suggests rules:

One reason rules are important in a #flr is because 24/7 D/s is exhausting and not feasible.But with rules in place to create a D/s theme,both #domme and #sub can take breaks from D/s and enjoy relaxing with each other,as more equals with rules as a guide.This keeps A flr strong.

Sissy Relationships.

Some dominants enjoy sissification within the context of a D/s relationship for humiliation or other purposes.
Some women want a guy to take on the role of a sissy.


But not all dominants want a full time sissy as it can lead to problems:

My bf likes to be made into a sissy, wearing frilly maid’s outfits etc and being told what to do. When we’re talking dirty he always says he wants to be seen and I’ve sent him out the house on a couple of occasions or made him do the washing up (kitchen window leads onto main path). He likes to be the submissive one (which is fine most of the time – I’m happy to be dom) but sometimes I’d just like to have sex without him being dressed in one of his dresses…or for him to take control and dominate me. Also, I don’t want others to see him – especially our neighbours….

Sissification can satisfy guys who have a fetish for women’s clothing and become a femdom relationship with variations of D/s.

In Lady Alexa’s Discipline and punishment she writes:

Discipline and punishment is a difficult area in a loving FLR. ..
discipline is the method I use to maintain control in the relationship and punishment is the penalty mechansism I use when [her sub] shows a lack of discipline. Punishment is often physical but may also be non-physical, a withdrawal of certain rights for example. Discipline is all about the rules and behaviours I expect which cement my authority but may also involve physical spanking.

Examples include:

Enforced feminisation. I expect her in female ‘wear’ at all times at home,  female underwear outside and to have a female beauty regime… Maintaining this discipline establishes my authority and control since [her man] never actually wanted to be a girl although she has become accustomed to it over time. It accentuates her submissiveness and it’s a great discipline for her to take care of herself.

Demonstration of respect. This discipline involves curtseying, maintaining the home as a housewife, kneeling before me, massaging and washing my feet after a hard day and so on. She must always call me Mistress. ..The area of respect is what makes an FLR so rewarding

Maintenance spankings  Besides being a necessary discipline I do so enjoy it. There’s something about the feeling of power when spanking a naughty girly husband.

Clitty [male genitals] control and feminisation

to ensure removal of nasty masculine traits once you’ve feminised him. I renamed it a clitty a long time ago and the whole area is her pussy. I ask [him] to tell me who owns it and tell me how feminine it is, especially with a cure little triangle of pubic hair. I’ve recently [discovered] the benefits of a cock cage to further diminish it.

[her sub male] isn’t a bad girl but at times she does forget that things aren’t equal in our relationship. I don’t punish  her a whole lot these days as my discipline regime seems to work, on the whole. If I do feel that punishment is needed it could range from her having to stand in the corner, being made to sit on the floor and removing her clothing through to actual spanking. I do tend to spank that much harder if it’s for punishment and I may even spank or slap without warning. Without-warning spanks will be on her bum, legs, clitty/pussy or occasionally around her face. I never kick but I do hit her with my open hand on her clitty through her knickers if she’s been naughty, usually talking back to me or making excuses.

I prefer to focus on discipline to make our FLR work smoothly. As a happily married couple, our FLR provides the framework for our daily lives. … Discipline and punishment is a difficult area in a loving relationship but it’s necessary in an FLR to enforce the transfer of power to the [dominant]

Many FLR relationships use chastity to control the male’s behavior. In Why Is Male Chastity Closely Associated With Female Led Relationships?

When a male is placed in chastity [they] fall in line and become more obedient, more helpful and more focused on empowering her and progressing in life in general. .. Men want to be placed in chastity or have their orgasms controlled because it arouses them when they feel weak for a woman, to need her, to be under her spell. Men want to be emotionally and sexually mesmerized by a woman. It gives them meaning in life. .. While it may seem that men who request orgasm control and tease and denial are attempting to lead the relationship, at the root of their desire, they are really offering a woman the key to their heart by letting you know the secret way to keep them mesmerized and in check.

In A Beautiful Orgasm 

 Mistress Tiffany then kept orgasming for a very long time. It was the biggest orgasm I ever saw her have, it looked amazing. I kept the Wand pressed hard against her clit and it seemed that the orgasm would never stop. By the end of it I was so out of breath and so jealous of the beautiful orgasm Mistress Tiffany just had. After that I brought Mistress Tiffany some water and we just lied on the bed for a while, with me straining in my cage and Mistress Tiffany completely satisfied.  

to conclude, guys should recognize the subtle differences between a femdom and a (redefined) FLR relationship. The femdom is typically based on a contract of love, worship, obedience with dominance and submission, impact play for either arousal or punishment . FLR is based on pleasing your dominant before yourself and behavior modification to reinforce this. Both have their merits and appeal to different interests.

It is possible that you can start in a FLR and progress into a femdom relationship, but don’t hold any hopes as the two are distinctly different.

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Switches can’t be Dominant.

switch_pride_flag,_first_draft

There are reasons why some people switch in BDSM… here’s a few

Clio's musings

Do you like my clickbait as fuck title? 😉

I utterly disagree with the subject. Switches can be Dominant, and some of the best Dominants I have ever encountered have been switches.

I’ve received some comments on and off about switches not being Dominant or not fitting into an idiot’s limited view of Domination. If some of them read through my blog entries they would be able to see that they questions had already been answered, several times, in fact. I’ve been into BDSM in varying degrees since I was about sixteen. Yes, I was underage and no I absolutely do not recommend it to anyone.

Switches can be Dominant.

Switches can be submissive.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that people can be variable? They don’t need to fit into little boxes to suit your limited world view. Every switch is different. Just like every Dominant…

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