Because I started a blog – 10 years as an accidental citizen of cyberspace

Nail Your Novel

This time a decade ago, I was starting a blog.

I was rather surprised to be doing it.

I was not an online person. I did not tweet or Facebook. The internet hardly touched my daily life. I was fully and gainfully occupied without it. It might as well have been a separate and mythical dimension, like hyperspace.

But on a wet evening in February 2009, I was with a friend who had a worldwide reputation in his creative niche. He ran this thriving empire through the ether, from five well-visited blogs.

When he said ‘let’s make you a blog’, I said yes.

I was suspicious of the blog thing, because I am never an early adopter (see above) and also because I disliked the word ‘blog’. (Still do, if I think about it.) But I’d just come out of a mind-whirling experience (you’ll know this if you’ve read Not…

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BDSM Bondage

Bondage can do more than simply restraining someone…it can create a mood of power exchange, an emotion of submission

Many people think bondage is used only to restrain a guy for impact play. For some, there’s an experience from bondage alone.

This post is not the usual ‘introduction to bondage’ or the ‘safety aspects of bondage’, etc. There are many guides that are written for specific types of bondage. Bondage is best used knowledgeably and carefully.

There is very little psychological research on bondage specifically. Most BDSM related social science is derived from general surveys often from advocates. The research usually does not get into the details of the bdsm experience, or the activities of its practitioners. If we want to understand the psychology of bondage, we have to explore the range of bondage effects and then find examples of each. For the ranges of bondages effects, check out: Psychology of Bondage: Why do people do it? by ‘Reba’ .

Bondage has these effects:

Redress physical power

Bondage alters the balance of power. A stronger partner can be rendered helpless, which in itself can be an unusual and charged experience. With bondage, a naturally active individual is forced to be passive. Bondage might include hoods, bondage gloves, sleep bags, etc. to enhance sensory deprivation which can open up new horizons of tactile, emotional, sensual and imaginative possibilities. 

In femdom, bondage is often essential to constrain a male from overpowering the female dominant even in “soft” bdsm play. Guys have a natural reaction of either fight or flight when they feel they are threatened. The bondage holds them from reacting normally and gives them an opportunity to let their aggressive reactions go and begin to trust their partner.

Expiate guilt

Bondage can be used to expiate the feeling of guilt from doing forbidden activities by providing the convenient excuse of being tied up and thus ‘unable’ to resist. Bondage in BDSM is usually consensual but a person who is in bondage may feel that social restraints are removed. The person administering the bondage (usually the dominant) may feel empowered to “force” his submissive to do things she might not ordinarily do. This creates the condition of “Freedom through bondage”!

Provide Security

Bondage creates a feeling of security and is comforting especially for women.

Have Erotic effects

Breast and genital bondage increase sensitivity to pleasure and pain by pulling the skin tight. The bondage can be used to present the target of your attention prominently and conveniently.

Promote Meditation & relaxation

When a guy is bound, his attention is often limited to the experience. This can at first cause tension but over time he gets over his usual reactions and finds the experience can be very meditative, an experience that can be deepened if the sub and Dom take time to connect by quietly embracing, relaxing and synchronizing their breathing. Meditation techniques can be used with bdsm mantras. A successful bdsm scene will often engender a close connection between the Dominant and submissive.

Promote Submission

Bondage and submission are complimentary. Bondage is used by a dominant to focus their partner’s attention to their submission. When the Dominant binds the submissive and makes them helpless, an excitement is often added to the play.

In Bondage & Discipline (F/m Psychology)

There is also much to be said for the feeling of helplessness that being bound arouses. It is an expression of submission, “not only am I willing to offer no resistance, I couldn’t if I wanted to”. ..This confinement also frees the male of any responsibility and with it the guilt caused by the desire to live in this manner of relationship. It is not enslavement, it is liberation. 


Bondage can be used as a tool of control.  

The dominant can often control the submissive’s behavior while he is in bondage. A dominant will use bondage to their submissive to force them to be their slave and serve them during the period of the scene.

Support Fetishism & role-playing

The kind of restraint chosen can be used to satisfy a person’s need for fetish. Items such as steel handcuffs, leather restraints, ropes, jock-straps, body bags, straight-jackets or chastity devices can trigger a fetish sensation.

be a prelude to or a facilitator of SM play

Bondage can be used to inflict discomfort, both physically and mentally in uncomfortable or humiliating positions. A submissive is bound in a way that will eventually induce muscle fatigue. The submissive could be bound and exposed to the public. A dominant can place his submissive in predicament bondage forcing him to feel pain when he tries to relax his bindings.

can be a challenge to escape

Many aficionados find the struggle against their restraints highly erotic. They set their activity into getting out of heavy bondage.

Bondage in femdom examples.

A dominatrix will use bondage as a way to encourage her client or partner to get into a submissive mindset.

The dominant waits for her submissive to show his arousal while he is in bondage

In femdom, bondage can be used to enhance arousal from fear.

A guy will begin to feel submissive when bondage is applied to him

In other instances, the dominant applies bondage to reinforce her partner’s submission.

When a guy is bound, he becomes less distracted by the things he has to do each day and is able to concentrate on his submission to his dominant
Bondage can be a way to force a guy into the submissive position

Bondage is used by a dominatrix to get her partner to focus on his submission to her.

Bondage is the most common element in BDSM sessions. For some people, it is the only thing they want from a session from a dominant.

When I worked for a dominatrix, many of her clients came for sessions of bondage. The dominatrix had a profile of the type of bondage they preferred, including the kind of restraints, dungeon furniture used, etc. Often when she had overlapping bookings she would delegate the task of applying the client’s preferred bondage to me. It was important to keep them waiting in bondage, especially if she was administering punishment to another client. This was almost enough for the guys to ejaculate. She’d eventually attend to them and either humiliate them (such as emasculating them by belittling their ‘manhood’ as not big enough) or “threaten” them in some way (such as a beating if they did not have an orgasm). In a few instances, she’d assist with physically edging them. Her success rate was pretty good at having them ejaculate on the floor or on her boots. Bondage was a way to make them feel helpless and fearful. This mix of emotions made them aroused. They experienced catharsis from ejaculation.

Bondage in Play parties. Guys can attend play parties where they can be bound and edged. For example, the NY Bondage Club holds weekly parties at Paddles where guys are bound and often edged to climax. The person administering the bondage may also edge him (by usually stimulating the head of his cock).

Heavy Bondage. Bondage can be described from soft to heavy. Soft bondage is frequently used in light bdsm sessions, or for bdsm activity that does not require much restraint. For example, a previous post about sensual femdom illustrates how a guy is restrained on the bed as his dominant edges him. The bondage is probably not necessary except that it often contributes to the guy’s arousal. Heavy bondage is favored by guys who want to feel that they cannot escape from the restraint by themselves. It requires a partner with whom they trust will put them in bondage and get them out safely.

Many dominants are skilled at various types of bondage. For me, women have a more ‘delicate’ touch and can impart emotional experiences to the session.

Here are accounts of two dominatrices and one heavy-bondage enthusiast:

To learn about bondage – a resource of video clips can be helpful. I recommend  

as a starting point. Find a clip that you’re interested in and check out a large list of links for other femdom sites. If you follow Alice on Twitter (@BondageLand @BondageLand) , you might learn of munches that she attends in the SF Bay Area. This is an easy and safe way to meet her.

Alice in BondageLand delights in applying bondage to guys

aliceinbondageland. Her web site is similarly named:

In the site she describes chronicles of my real-world kinky life.: producing videos of kink scenes.
 I crave something more than formulaic videos… I craved sexual chemistry, the connection between partners and AUTHENTICITY.
Join us on our bondage adventures, in private and in public, shared with the camera with a special kind of enthusiasm… the kind that comes from true passion and a genuine exhibitionist dominant woman at the helm.

[from] female led relationships, real couples, lifestyle submissives, and full-time dominant women. We make these movies because we are driven to share a positive, femdom view of bondage, dominance, sadomasochism and our many fetishes

Elise Graves enjoys both giving and receiving bondage

Elise Graves is another proponent of bondage. She developed “bondage therapy” through experience in bondage sessions. Elise wants to change how people perceive bondage. She wants to demonstrate how sexy agents for change can be. Elise’s desire is to show both BDSM-curious and seasoned practitioners how sexy it is to trust, to be a witness to a person’s suffering, to be vulnerable, and how exciting it can be to engage in exploration in one’s life. Bondage has the unique ability to offer these experiences

Elise Graves wrote about Bondage Therapy:

Conscious bondage play creates the conditions which allow a person to surrender, to trust, and to make themselves vulnerable to another human being. In using the body’s vulnerable position … it encourages the mind to follow. This leads to a vulnerability, or openness, of the mind. The person is in a highly receptive state. Subtly and powerfully, a person in that meditative state begins to allow repressed thoughts and feelings float up to the surface. .. it is transformative

Elise noticed that engaging in bondage activity within a trusted environment lead to the development of a pervasive “calm confidence” – a reduction in anxiety and depression, increased interest in personal exploration and development, and a greater understanding of the self… to “let go,” and to experience loving energy while in a highly receptive state.  This experience of being vulnerable while receiving loving energy and practicing the art of “letting go” is the special mixture that is Bondage Therapy.

Elise Graves demonstrates Bondage Therapy to patelgo

In paltego Bondage Therapy in Seattle :

[the BDSM session was]  A lovely mix of whipping, electrical play and bondage was the result. 

Elise’s smile in this image is very indicative of the way she plays. There was a lot of happy positive energy in our scene today. This image is from her Bondage Liberate site.

Heavy Bondage. Some guys want to be restrained beyond their capability to get out of it. They usually prefer heavy chains and large locks, stockades, and fetters that will render them immobile.

JimmyUSMC is an advocate of Heavy Bondage. He wrote of his experience in Recon:

Heavy bondage is my passion; I simply can’t get enough of it. I tend to describe it as an insatiable thirst of mine, one in which I am on a perpetual journey to quench. I’ve always been geared this way, and as I grow older the severity of the bondage/ kink play I enjoy only seems to expand…. I’ve always been the kind of person to see how far I can push myself, test my limits. With bondage, it’s no different. Exploring and experimenting, trying to find the hardest, most inescapable, secure, and helpless scenarios humanly possible. ..

I absolutely crave true, unrelenting helplessness…

if I could spend the majority, or at least a substantial portion of each day in bondage I would. … Bondage is what keeps me centered, it’s where I feel most at home. ..For myself and many others, bondage can be extremely therapeutic. With the right combination of leather and steel restraints, a hefty gag and secure blindfold, I will float away into sub-space land before the last padlock is clicked shut. It’s the best high I’ve ever come to know and love, and I’m truly addicted. I couldn’t live without it. It’s as much a part of me as oxygen is to a fire. It’s the fuel that brings life into my veins. ..Never did I think bondage could make me feel so free. This is me. My authentic, unapologetic, kinky self. I’m a heavy bondage freak and I always will be. …I have no idea where this bondage world will take me. I hope it holds me tight and never lets me go.

To conclude.

Bondage can be a way to get a taste of the BDSM experience. You do not need to engage in pain for your first few sessions…or ever. You might find bondage sufficient to get you into the bdsm mindset.

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Sensual Femdom – a guide for guys

A dominant may ride her “boy toy” like a pony


Besides money, sex is one of the biggest reasons for disagreement between men and women. Usually, it’s not the sex itself, it’s the timing and approach. Some women need the male to make the first move and become aroused as he is. Some women at best accommodate the male’s advances and let him have his way. Some women want to control many if not all the male’s sexual drive.

Most people associate a dominatrix as a sadist who delivers pain to others. But many dommes have told me that their greatest concern is about how their partner have sex with them. They use femdom to control the sex they have with their submissive. Many rely on a technique that is called “sensual femdom”.

Sensual domination is defined by Kinkly as:

[a]  soft or mild dominance. Many of the tools of a sensual dominant are familiar to those used by vanilla couples dabbling in BDSM, such as blindfolds, oils, ropes, ice cubes, and feathers. …
The submissive partner is treated with reverence and praised rather than put down or humiliated. While mild pain may be involved in sensual dominance, it is never the focus of these kinds of scenes. Any pain administered is meant to complement the pleasure and never intended to push the submissive’s limits.

[sensual dominance requires] a greater understanding of a submissive’s turn-ons and state of mind. 

Sensual femdom is basically about the domme determining how her male sub will perform sexually for her. Typically, the domme applies sensory deprivation in the form of a blindfold, light bondage (such as tying his hands and feet to the four corners of a bed), edging him, building his arousal and then riding him cowgirl style. She may combine light pain such as nipple pinching, face slapping, whipping his cock to sustain his arousal. She doesn’t release him until she is satisfied. Although she may perform oral on him, she might prevent him from having his orgasm. She might also peg him. She may or may not let him have sexual release.

Some “feminist” critics assert that sensual femdom is little more than catering to the male fantasies, by “escorts with a whip”. Advocates of sensual femdom say that it is a core femdom practice that differs from basic sex work by the control that the domme has over the scene with her sub.

If a sub guy responds well to sensual femdom, the domme may regard him as her “boy toy” and privately call him her “slut” or “whore”. Boy toys usually enjoy a higher status in femdom and are prized possessions of dominants.

In Mistress Kay’s 3 Scenes for a Beginner Femdom to Try

Here are some examples of sensual femdom:

Scene 1: Domination With Just Sensual Touch –
Tell him that you’re just going to take control of him for a bit. Tell him that, if he’s good, you’ll let him have his way with you after you’re done, …
you’re going to tease and sensually pleasure him …
You can …run a feather over his body….trail your fingers and fingernails down sensitive areas…. massage his body…gently tickle his most sensitive areas until you reach his genitals and still force him to stay still while you touch him or give him oral sex.  …
[with] a small paddle or riding crop, and give him a small swat on the thighs or butt every time he moves

Scene 2: In Charge of Oral –

pleasuring your partner and teaching him that his orgasm is yours to control. ..
Once you have your partner where you want him, it’s time to show him exactly how “in control” you are. It’s up to you how you want to play this. You can give him the best oral sex of his life …
use edging to take this to the next level…tell him that you expect for him to tell you when he’s getting close to orgasm – or you’ll make sure he doesn’t get to come at all if he disobeys…
you’ll get to enjoy “torturing” him with this pleasure until you decide he’s allowed to orgasm.  

Scene 3: He’s Your Sex Toy –

at a time when you’re aroused and you’re looking for some playtime with your partner…
you’re going to make it known that you’re turned on …
as long as you’re dominant  …
Once you have your partner set up how you want him, feel free to enjoy the type of intercourse or sensation that you’d like.

if.. you’d like to be more of a tease, don’t forget that you can remove his blindfold. He’ll be “forced” to watch your pleasure and orgasm – with no way to possibly touch you or do anything besides enjoy watching you. If you truly think he’d enjoy being a “sex toy” for you, don’t let him orgasm. …if you’d rather enjoy his orgasm, feel free to let him come.

In Mistress Kye‘s blog she writes in First Session w/ my sub, J. :

I restrained him on his back with all limbs cuffed and bound to the 4 corners of the bed … he was about to enter a world of submersion into sensation.  I plugged his ears, covered his eyes, ball gagged him, restrained him and left him there like that for 30 minutes to swim in anticipation.  ..
 I finally approached his body, he could feel me …  a dildo and a magic wand short-circuited [him]… He agreed to trust that I indeed knew what was best, knew the best timeline for his journey and growth, and that he’d stop allowing his pecker to lead…..that was now My job. 

Mistress Kye speaks out

Learn more about Mistress Kye here .

A dominant might use a feather to edge her submissive
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A personable domme

Many people characterize the personality of the prodomme as “icy-cold, sadistic”, but there are exceptions.

It’s refreshing to meet a dominatrix who shares her life with you.

The most personable Lady J. shares her inner thoughts with us via social media

Lady Jessica @LadyJessica285

is married to


and is (by her own description) ” Professional dominatrix. Femdom / BDSM. Bisexual. Switch. …friend to many

I was always submissive in nature. A few years ago I was a sub slave, and in danger even though I was blind to it. A dominatrix in the community saw that, and “saved” me. She has been a mentor and one of my best friends, and has helped me realize my Dominant potential. .. My spouse was my first submissive. Made some big mistakes. I was really into sissification and forced feminization with him. Started out as kinky fetish, but I took it too far. Turned into something sadistic and mean. Ended up doing psychological damage. … I became much more conscious of RACK and SSC after that. I had known of it but hasn’t really incorporated it. Biggest lesson I learned was I needed to get a handle on my anger, because it was clouding my focus and sane judgement as a Dominant. .. Since then, there have been a handful of times I made myself walk away from ascene because I didn’t trust myself … Even though I’ve been dominating hubby for over 3 years, I’m still relatively new at being pro. It’s been a real struggle this year. There were stretches I didn’t have a single client. I felt like a failure much of the time. … I don’t wear a lot of BDSM or fetish gear. I do have a couple of (faux) leather outfits I wear once in a while, usually for initial sessions. I hate latex / PVC. And even my heels are pretty modest. I prefer comfort. I don’t need to draw off my look for my authority … I was pretty vanilla much of my life until I submitted to my Master. I had fantasies and was aware of how I reacted to the idea of certain kinks, but I never acted on them. I was always afraid of what my husband would think of me.

She writes:

I love bookstores. I once fantasized about owning a bookstore.. I can literally spend hours in them. And it makes me sad they’re dying … I love animals, almost more than people. If @SubHubbyBilly comes home and tells me they had a call where a person died, I may be like “oh that’s sad.” But if he tells me they had a call and a dog died, I’ll cry for like 20 minutes. … Growing up we alternated Christmasses, every other year with my mother’s family in France. I only have a couple of cousins on dad’s side but a ton on mom’s side, so our French Christmasses were my favorites …

The first night I spent with @SubHubbyBilly, I went into his drawer and put on one of his Team USA shirts to sleep in. He never got it back. .. Even though I’ve known I like girls from pretty much as long as I remember, I didn’t come out as bisexual until last year. Growing up in Ireland I suppressed it, then I married young and continued to suppress it, until I couldn’t take it anymore. … I went to a parochial school where spanking and other corporal punishment was used as discipline. Catholics in Kerry were a little slow in getting the message striking a child not the greatest of ideas … I abandoned religion years ago. But hubby is still practicing Catholic. Once in a while I go to mass with him, just so I can whisper in his ear during prayer “your god has betrayed you, I’m your Goddess now. Your body and soul are mine; not even He can save you”


I enjoy sex. Ive had several partners. I’m queer. I am highly educated with an advanced degree. I’m “eurotrash”. I speak 4 languages. I was a college athlete. I speak my mind. And I cuss like a trucker. By Alabama standards, nothing about me is feminine. And I’m okay with that.

I think of myself as a lesbian who also loves her husband and the occasional cock

Mistress Kye ~ #eXXXotica Dungeon Dominatrix‏ @MistressKye


There is a giant misconception, largely due to porn, that a Lifestyle

There is a giant misconception, largely due to porn, that a Lifestyle Domme or Pro Dominatrix is a man-hating woman out to degrade & beat men. It is quite the contrary. An authentic Dominant is a TRUE nurturer…We put the well being & best interest of our partner first.

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Why do some dommes wear fetish clothing?

People don costumes and uniforms to indicate their roles in relationships and society. Dommes often wear fetish clothing. Here’s why.

A dominant will wear fetish gear to inspire and arouse her submissive

Many women oppose “femdom” because they believe it is a male fantasy. The cite the fetish gear that many prodommes wear in their practice as an example. Many lifestyle dominants also wear some “fetish” items.

Although women claim the fetish wear is usually uncomfortable (creating tired feet, lots of sweat), they wear the gear to get their male submissives into the mood. They take great care in selecting the best fitting latex, leather or lace to enhance their assets. Men are turned on by the “sexy” look. Submissive guys are attracted and afraid of women in fetish outfits.

The fetish gear arouses the submissive’s fear and dread

This is precisely the mood the dommes want to set for a D/s session.

Lifestyle dommes may feel the need to wear uncomfortable fetish clothing recede as they substitute other cues to trigger the arousal/fear reaction to their submissive partners.

Thanks for contribution from La Reina Negra .

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FemDom for the NextGen – a look at a ‘vulnerable’ ProDomme

LolaRuin describes how being open and vulnerable creates a different ProDomme experience

Many people are opposed to prodommes for various reasons. Much of the opposition comes from women who contend that Prodommes are merely catering to male fantasies. Yet those who have worked with dominatrices see them as sex workers who fulfill a need and provide useful services.

Some prodommes see themselves as feminists who believe in sex-positive practice and the freedom of women to choose the careers they want.

In this post, I present the feminist views of Lola Ruin, a dominatrix.

In her recent blog post
MistressLolaRuin writes:

[at first] men who came to see Me wanted a strong, powerful Woman. They wanted to place you on a pedestal, and use you like a blank screen they could project their fantasies onto. In order to be a successful Domme, you should curate every little glimpse they see to reflect that ideal. Under no circumstances, should you show any weakness or vulnerability. ..I
questioned this ‘Dominant Ideal’ 

As a feminist, I also felt conflicted about being a sex worker… I was actively contributing to a highly sexualized view of women

I (willingly) let the façade slip. I began to write more personal blog posts, and spoke more openly about things I feel are important in BDSM.

The more vulnerability I showed, the more that seemed to resonate with people. Prospective slaves began to seek Me out as a result of the thoughts and writings I had begun to share. As I began to become more authentic and vulnerable in My work, that seemed to really strike a chord with My submissives.

I talked openly about the importance of consent, relationship styles, and mental health. As I did, I suddenly found My submissives were becoming not only more compatible with Me, but that they were opening up to Me more and more. They confined not only their innermost fantasies but their own struggles. Many of them told Me they had never confined that in anyone else before. ..
sometimes just being able to speak aloud about your problems can be healing

My work became far more meaningful and real, for both Myself and My submissives…

Although I adore to dish up pain, in many ways I am not your traditional Pro-Domme. Rather than shouting and screaming, I prefer to softly whisper promises of reward and punishment to you in My sultry feminine voice…

Mistress Ruin enjoys tormenting submissive guys
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Can a FLR save a marriage?


An FLR can start at the time of the conventional marriage or later.

Can a Female Led Relationship (FLR) save a marriage?

In Can a FLR save my marriage?

put the wife in charge of the marriage and all will be well. ..

What a FLR can do and do very well is ensure that a marriage will not need saving. 

I believe that the cornerstone of a female led relationship is the woman’s total control over her husband or boyfriend’s sexuality. A cock cage is best but even absent a cage, a man needs to understand that his sexual desires are to conform to his wife’s needs. 

it is a matter of a woman taking charge of her own sexual enjoyment …

Properly disciplined a submissive husband will never have any odious habits. He’ll be showed and shaved on the schedule you set. He will ask permission before having a beer or a glass of wine. He will stay at the weight you decide is best for him and exercise to ensure he avoids the dreaded Dad bod. A dominant wife with a fat husband is a contradiction in terms. Most women enjoy being enfolded in good, strong arms. In this day and age, that means working out. Not too hard, but regularly. Part of his training is to keep himself desirable for you even if you rarely allow him the pleasure of sex. He needs to know that you are proud of him, see him as your arm candy with all that implies.

In an FLR the wife has the last word. When she says, “Not another word.” she can back it up with anything from a brief timeout in his corner to a full scale whipping with multiple instruments with her husband tied down. A well trained, well-disciplined husband learns to listen, carefully, to whatever his wife says. He learns to do exactly what he is told and to do nice things without being asked.

The time to save your marriage is long before it needs saving.

Many marriages fail because of a lack of communication or a miscommunication. FLR’s based on BDSM often have contracts. Contracts can be a basis for communication (among other topics). Communication can lead to corrective action by either behavior change or punishment (or both).

FLR’s have more success when built upon a stable marriage. An FLR can set the scene for negotiating wants and needs that each partner has in the interest of maintaining the relationship.

Here’s an account about how a marriage ended because of miscommunication but there is hope for  a FLR. Why a FLR is different from a marriage.

There are many guides on how to set up a FLR


Just some further thoughts on this subject

I’ve been reading alot lately. Not normal for me, but I’m trying to grow.

FLR is a subject I’m very interested in. It started as a sexual fantasy. Like most men, I think. I feel I have submissive tendencies. I’ve done some exploration of what it means to be submissive. My research in that area has been very eye opening to me. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought I would. One thing I’m learning is that for a submissive man, that submission is deeply personal. So much so, that some submissives will argue that their view of submission is more correct than anyone else’s. To the point of looking unfavorably at another’s ideas about the subject. These subs are usually in a long term FLR. Their dynamic has been very successful for them for a long period of time.

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