Planning a Scene

A checklist to help you plan a scene…even if you are a submissive!

Love Letters to a Unicorn

I love planning scenes. Figuring out the details, setting up the situations, and preparing the tools and clothing for a scene has always been exciting for me.

I realized I now have a systematic process for setting up scenes. Be they simple date night scenes were we have done all the play before or a new scene with a new partner, I go through the same basic steps.

Since some people are new to setting up a scene, others have limited experience, and still others have not set one up in a long time I am uploading my basic checklist for a scene. The steps apply for any number of partners, any gender combinations, and most types of kink scenes. Some of the questions will be more relevant than others depending on your specific situation.

As a sub, why would I plan scenes? Subs and other s-types can plan out…

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470. Sub, Submissive, and Submission Part 3

How a “dark submissive” may want a sustained relationship with a dominant who will go into the dark side with him.

Femdom Ramblings from a submissive male

Note: This is part of a series of posts.  Other related posts:

I received some very good comments on Part 2 from a number of other bloggers.  I realized that answering them thoroughly would basically take at least a posts’s worth of text, so I figured turning it into a post to address those comments would be better.

The concept at hand that is coming into question is the idea that for some dark end of the spectrum subs, they are often wired in a way where they struggle with saying no when faced with an act that they find unpleasant and do not want.  In these cases, they feel pain at the idea of saying no and by saying yes, while they must endure the unpleasant experience, it provides them with a series of…

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Can Femdom be good for your mental health?

Image result for femdom lifestyle books

If you’re a dominant or a submissive, Femdom may benefit your mental health.

Abstract. In this post I present the background of bdsm research as it relates to mental health. The limited research suggests benefits of bdsm activities. It does not separate types of lifestyle arrangements from the occasional use of sex toys in the bedroom. It is my contention that if we break out the type of bdsm lifestyle activity, we will find significant differences between mental health benefits of each of the lifestyle and gender/sexual preferences. Femdom, in particular, is against cultural norms including those of the bdsm community itself. The femdom lifestyle is more likely to be kept in the ‘closet’ than other bdsm practices because of the lack of acceptance. Lifestyle Femdom often creates stress for both dominant and submissive partners when it is exposed to the general community. It is from this situation that I believe the lifestyle produces the opposite effect on participant’s mental health rather than the benefits that mainstream bdsm practitioners may receive.

Technical review of key literature.

Despite the increasing acceptance of #bdsm to the general population (i.e. ’50 Shades’), there is little improvement in the fetishes that are adopted by gender, role-reversal or of sexual minorities such as GLBT  and Femdom. Much of the scant research about bdsm practices either does not discern between the type of sexual or gender orientation or assumes all bdsm is largely activity between heterosexual couples (despite a huge population of MM-leather participants who continue to define the roles and rituals of bdsm play).

BDSM that is not mainstream may still have the same level of ostracism and shunning to participants as it has had before. Femdom in particular challenges basic cultural and social norms. It is likely that participants will feel as outcasts to all but the bdsm community itself. Many may still stay ‘in the closet’ while others will endure criticism for having been outed. For dominants, they may have a conflicted personality. They see themselves as naturally dominant but often succumb to a passive role and subvert their dominance. Submissive men are frequent targets of dominant males who see submission as a sign of weakness.

With this background, it is not surprising that some believe that Femdom is a disease that must be treated.

Is femdom a mental disorder?

From Fetishes and the DSM: When Is a Kink a Mental Health Issue?

DSM-V treats unusual sexual behavior differently than previous versions of the manual…[it]  is largely silent on behavior, and defines fetishes as problematic only when they cause significant distress…for those who are blissfully dedicated to feet, bondage, or garter belts, the manual no longer defines the behavior itself as a problem. Instead, the so-called disorder is partially in the eye of the beholder. If your sexual fetish causes serious problems in your romantic relationships or significant personal distress, it may be time to consult a professional.

Many psychiatrists and psychologists take the opinion “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” when it comes to harmless paraphilias (kink) that is performed in the privacy of the bedroom (such as the use of sex-toys). Therapists are reluctant to treat people who are at odds with the dominant culture as there is no lasting relief available.

There are some who believe dominance in women is against the natural order.

In  Sexually Dominant Women and the Men who Desire Them

times have changed as women are now somewhat freer to assert their dominance over men in all phases of life, but not without a struggle. The author claimed that many societies are having an extremely hard time allowing for this exchange of power and control to happen…particularly in a sexual context

social anxiety” sets in when women act or are even perceived to be more dominant and powerful than men…and men passive and weak

A pivotal article that summarizes the benefits of bdsm to mental health to the majority (heterosexual) population is listed below.

from  Mental Health Benefits of BDSM

Image result for femdom lifestyle books

Bondage Benefits

The Wismeijer study reports:

We did not have any findings suggesting that people who practice BDSM have a damaged psychological profile or have some sort of psychopathology or personality disorder…

BDSM practitioners don’t appear to be more troubled than the general population. They were more extroverted, more open to new experiences and more conscientious than vanilla participants; they were also less neurotic, a personality trait marked by anxiety. BDSM aficionados also scored lower than the general public on rejection sensitivity

They tend to be more aware of their sexual needs and desires than vanilla people, he said, which could translate to less frustration in bed and in relationships. Coming to terms with their unusual sexual predilections and choosing to live the BDSM lifestyle may also take hard psychological work that translates to positive mental health

Femdom also takes a similar amount of psychological work provided participants are fully into the lifestyle. If they have doubts that are raised by the lack of acceptance, they may not work as hard as their counterparts but settle for a “bdsm lite” (such as #FLR).

Bondage, in particular, presents a threshold for femdom lifestylers. Couples and poly groups may view LTR benefits more important than practices that involve binding a submissive because they expect an egalitarian relationship to prevail over time.

Many males who are in the lifestyle still go to prodommes because of the lack of satisfaction in their relationships.

The Joy of Consent

from the study, Kinky people are mentally and emotionally healthy ,  one of the authors, R. Cramer remarked:

“Contrary to popular perceptions, our study shows kinky persons are largely mentally healthy when it comes to conditions such as depression, anxiety and suicide.”

Role playing and re-enactment games in a consensual setting are healthy outlets that negate the guilt and shame that come from repression. Focusing on exchange between consenting partners means folks can work through a variety of issues about power and control, providing cathartic, positive experiences that help heal the wounds of negative events.

Many in the femdom lifestyle enjoy similar benefits of the consent ethic. Women who dominate can control the sexual activity of their partner(s) as well as other living arrangements. Both male and female Submissives feel they have some control over the range and extent of bdsm activities that their dominant may practice.

In this sense, consent is beneficial to femdom participants because it is limited to the participants and may be insulated from the social norms that oppose it.

Trust and Intimacy

The increased intensity of BDSM intensifies the trust and intimacy between partners. When experiences are positive and consensual, the higher the intensity and risk, the more trust is required.

In lifestyle femdom, the intensity and risk tends to level off to what the participants will want to live with for the duration of the relationship (see previous posts about relationship equilibrium). Levels are determined in part by the acceptance in the general community they live in. The amount of trust may not be as great as it is in prodomme experience.

 

Chemistry

Intense sexual practices involve even more intense chemical release, including vasopressin and oxytocin, which promote human bonding. Dopamine and serotonin levels are also increased by sex, and even more intense in BDSM sex. This pair is vital to stress reduction and good mental health.

Intensity of the bdsm experience may be subdued to the social constraints of the community that participants live in. Some males want short B&D sessions from professionals to get the hormonal levels they prefer.

Summary. Participants in femdom lifestyle relationships may not receive the same level of benefits that other bdsm lifestyles do. Many may still seek out professional services to supplement their “leveled” experiences with their lifestyle partners.

Future research. I strongly suggest future research does not lump all bdsm practices (including incidental kink) together as one as has been done so far. Practitioners need more research into the particular bdsm lifestyles to be effective.

Related reading:

Broken Toys

Broken Toys: Submissives With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction

 

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Dominant Responsibility

Being a dominant is not that easy… but you may have empathy if you were a submissive

Smiling Through the Evil

I did not step into the Domme role eagerly. I wavered, even after I knew how much it turned me on, even after I felt awesome (on the inside) for the first time in my life, even after I found passion in my heart.

I wavered because of the responsibility.

I can handle responsibility, I want the responsibility, but will I muck it all up?

That is what made me question myself. I will not be okay if I mess it up.

The are all kinds of subs out there, all offering something different… The kind of sub I want for my own, offers their all. I will take nothing less than their all because that’s how D/s works for me. With this comes greater responsibility, and greater reward. But, oh, the responsibility!

In this situation I will have the power to seriously screw my sub up. I could…

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Femdom dating (humor)

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A  submissive guy may think it’s impossible to find and date a dominant but there are many that are looking for a companion who may become their slave.

 

from Submissive Dating: How to Attract a Domme here are some pointers:

 

Know What You Want and Need

Some guys don’t know what they want from a partner such as a FWB or a LTR. In this case, it’s probably best to seek the “easy come, easy go” route, i.e. a STR, and see how it goes. Although you may be turned on by her “Its all about me” dominant personality, you may find it irritating after awhile. On the other hand, if she’s nagging you it’s time to get off your butt and do things.

 

 

Know What You Have to Offer

Just because you may have a submissive personality, you’re not necessarily a despicable low-life unless you really like being that way. You just like the company of a more dominant leader. As a guy, you have lots to offer her.

2015 International Weightlifting Federation World Championships

For one thing, you’re a lot stronger than she is physically (unless she is an olympic weight-lifting champ). You know how to fix cars, motorcycles…or bicycles. You can act tough and macho when some other guy gets in the way. You can listen to her backstabbing other women and not give a hoot. You can let her go on in her girlie manner because she’s just that way. You can usually make a lot more money over time.

Even if none of this is true, you have to act like you could be the most important thing in her life. And who knows? Maybe you will be her S.O. if you stick around long.

 

Get to Know Her

Learn what she is looking for in a guy. If she’s vague about her preference for a long or short term relationship, you may have a chance to get it the way you want. Take her to a restaurant or a bar. See if she can relate to you. If it’s all about her, well maybe it’s time to reconsider.

In any event, do not submit to her physically the first few times you meet her. Yeah, you can blush when she says things like: “I like to spank good-looking boys like you”.

You flirt with her: “yes ma’am,” you smile at her, “there’s nothing better than a solid spanking from someone who knows how to discipline a bad boy!”

 

Learn How to Be a Good Submissive

You’re a strong, masculine guy with maybe a touch of submissiveness with the right person. You know what you want out of life and you’re not afraid to get it. If she can be your companion in the direction you’re going, all the better.

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Over time you show your admiration and respect for things she does. You might even be willing to join with her passions if she lets you.

Contribute to the Relationship

You suggest options to her and let her choose. “I’d like to go out to a restaurant tonight, do you prefer Chinese, Mexican or Italian?” “Do you think I should wear a tie to this event?” “If you tie a guy up, do you prefer rope or wrist and ankle cuffs?”

 

Dommes Are Human Too

Don’t expect your dominant to be perfect all the time. Don’t be disappointed if she makes mistakes. Don’t cringe when you discover how messy she really is at times, don’t make final decisions about her when she unexpectedly goes ape on you (unless you’re tied up and she’s holding a vicious torture instrument). Loosen up a bit about the things she does. There will be times when she’ll be weaker than you. Don’t lose sight of your longer interest in her.

Over time you’ll realize your role with her: to serve, suffer and tremble in her dominance. Be yourself and don’t hide how aroused you are about her ways when you know you’ll also feel the pain from her too.

Your dating with her will go better if you show her that you want her for who she is and don’t give up too easily.

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463. My Understanding of Domspace and Dominant Mental Space

An insight into the personas that come with a dominant mental space.

Femdom Ramblings from a submissive male

For those of you who have been reading for a while, you may remember that when I was writing my fs02 erotica I went through a process to try to understand how things work within the mind of a sadist.  Since then, I have evolved my theory based upon discussions with dominants and wanted to share that here. I also figured that since so little is written about Domspace, it is worth talking about as a whole.

If anyone thinks that I have this wrong, please feel free to let me know.  As I am not a dominant, the best that I can do is summarize the varying ways it has been described to me or my own extrapolations.  Also, I originally wrote this as an explanation to a newer Domme and I don’t really feel like rewriting it to make it seem more formal.

For the record, dominant…

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To dominate your submissive in real life isn’t that easy… it’s challenging to avoid turning your relationship into a bad one and daunting to keep coming up with new scenes… sometimes a dominant just wants to be topped!

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