Can you have love in BDSM?




In Can you have a truly loving relationship in BDSM? Michael Benes 


BDSM does not require love, but it certainly does not exclude love…The idea that I can beat and choke my wife, and do it with nothing but love in my heart…it just does not seem right.

In BDSM Does Not Equal Sex Does Not Equal Love (Automatically)

BDSM is the richest and most satisfying …when it’s combined with a romantic, loving, sexy relationship….[but one can] play with people in educational, party or private settings, people that, for whatever reason, are not romantic relationship or intimate relationship possibilities…If you’re a perspective play partner who knows that you’re not likely to fall in love with someone and they’ve told you they’re quite likely to fall in love with you if you play together…, then maybe you need to proceed with caution before you play with that person.



A Kinky relationship, or one that engages in kinky sex is stronger for a variety of reasons not the least of which include the increased sense of intimacy and the levels of communication


In Love in BDSM lifestyle


what is it that gives pleasure to a sub? What gives her happiness and joy? Knowing that she serves her Master/Dom. When she gives her body to be sexually used in the ways her Dom enjoys, she is filled with pleasure and happiness looking at him taking pleasure. When she needs correction she takes her punishment with pleasure…After the sexual act or the punishment both will share a moment of “after care”. The Dom will go close to her to provide her the reassurance she is the one for him, he might hold her in his hug or kiss her or even grow “vanilla”. ..She …will “swim” deep in that feeling, will surrender her self even more in that “after care” happy she is the one for him. They might even grow playful in a silly way and share a laugh but they will be together as one and that is the core of Love, the meaning of Love. Love is when two individuals act as one, feel as one, think as one and live as one. They forget the “I” and become “We”. …“I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me.”


In Dennis Najee’s  Love and BDSM

Does that mean there is not a “love” among a Master and slave. Certainly, especially in a long-term relationship, there is a strong bond that is formed. Is it love? Perhaps it is and, then again, maybe it is not. The individuals involved determine what they experience…there are many BDSM relationships that contain love as a basic component. However, there are also many instances where this is absent from the relationship.


sometimes love is expressed by a quiet evening together enjoying our special relationship
a guy doesn’t always have to lead the evening when the feeling is right, do it!
sometimes a guy has to comfort his princess from bad dreams
your dominant can be playful too!
In a flexible relationship, power is always negotiated
Your partner will do whatever you need to keep your love for her
BDSM can deepen your marriage
BDSM is often a form of play to keep desire flowing
Her submission is precious. Treasure it!
explore new roles, new realities with your partner
you don’t always have to top. let her toy with your body.
Your partner can be aroused simply by watching you wield the whip
when she dresses up for you, worship her
if women can look sexy in lingerie, maybe guys can also arouse their partner
love is about finding the ways that work best for you and your partner…
It’s the little things that she’ll do with you…that builds love
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Topping From the Bottom


A submissive is sometimes accused of Topping from the bottom

topping from the bottom in BDSM is defined in Fifty Shades Freed

Topping from the bottom‘ is an expression used to describe a situation where a submissive attempts to control the play, the dynamic or the relationship from their submissive position using seduction, persuasion, provocation, puppy-dog-eyes, etc.


  posts: 6 Things That Aren’t Topping from the Bottom

  1. Having a Safeword
  2. Using a Safeword
  3. Setting Limits
  4. Expressing Your Needs
  5. Renegotiating Your Dynamic
  6. Discussing Rules, Protocols, and Punishments

But many submissives are afraid to be accused of this.



How topping from the bottom in a BDSM scene isn’t always a bad thing…and how it isn’t always necessary to have a power exchange…excellent explanation

Check out Topping From the Bottom

Topping from the bottom is a necessary element of communication in BDSM relationships.

In the usual dynamic you have a top (dom) and a bottom (sub). Topping from the bottom simply means being in control while you’re the submissive.
Or in other words: Being the top while fulfilling the bottom role: topping from the bottom.

Topping from the bottom’ is an expression used to describe a situation where a submissive attempts to control the play, the dynamic or the relationship from their submissive position using seduction


Love Letters to a Unicorn

I can’t believe I haven’t written a blog post on topping from the bottom! How could I be so remiss of addressing a topic which comes up often in sub group discussions? Ah well… here is my take on the issue.

Topping from the bottom is when a submissive tries to control the scene in various ways. This can be giving explicit directions during a scene, setting exacting constraints prior to a scene, refusing to do activities which are not on a hard or soft limit list, or other similar behaviors. Generally topping from the bottom is seen as problematic behavior on the part of the submissive.

Is Topping from the Bottom Always Wrong?

I have come across a bunch of blog posts which write from the perspective that topping from the bottom is always wrong and always problematic. In reality, there is nothing inherently wrong with topping from the…

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Can BDSM be good for your mind?

The practice of BDSM can alter your consciousness


If you have been to a public bdsm scene you will often notice how a couple will be engaged in intense play. They will often not notice what is going on around them. When they are finished, they are often in a stupor.

In This Kind of Sex Can Create an Altered Mental State 

people in the BDSM community often talk about being transported into a state of flow: “the idea that the rest of the world drops away and someone is completely focused on what they’re doing,” says study author Brad Sagarin, professor in the department of psychology at Northern Illinois University.



In BDSM a dominant will often get the full attention of his submissive

in Joe Magliano Ph.D. ‘s  The Surprising Psychology of BDSM ,

[a Magliano’s study he] revealed that both bottoms and tops entered altered states of consciousness, but they entered different altered states. Bottoms entered an altered state called “transient hypofrontality” (Dietrich, 2003), which is associated with reductions in pain, feelings of floating, feelings of peacefulness, feelings of living in the here and now and time distortions. Tops, in contrast, entered the altered state known as “flow” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1991), which is associated with focused attention, a loss of self-consciousness and optimal performance of a task. We believe that these pleasurable altered states of consciousness might be one of the motivations that people have for engaging in BDSM activities.

Dietrich proposed the transient hypofrontality hypothesis

transient hypofrontality is the unifying feature of all altered states


in Kate F. Hays Ph.D. ‘s The Transient Hypofrontality Edge

under certain conditions, the focused thinking part of our brain gets a rest…which allows other parts and functions of our brain to become more predominant…[by entering into a ] state such as experiences of timelessness, living in the here and now, reduced awareness of one’s surroundings, peacefulness (being less analytical), and floating (diminished working memory and attentional capacities),



Adapting  MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI  ‘s theory of “flow” , when the dominant goes into intense concentration (dominating his sub) he loses his self, time gets distorted and nothing else matters



A top must concentrate on what she is doing to her bottom

In MASTERMARC ‘s Topspace – Go with the Flow

Tops achieve flow through mental focus, particularly when engaged in activities that
require intense concentration. Depending on your skill levels and what you’re into, that might include scenes such as knife play, needle play and advanced bondage, or it could be the meditative rhythm of whipping, flogging or spanking, juxtaposed with the concentration required to do so safely.


In  Yasmin Tayag ‘s BDSM Research Shows Couples Should Hurt, Not Run, Together

Scientists flummoxed by the appeal of leather and chains have long theorized that BDSM …draws people in by providing access to an altered psychological state…

[flow is ] the lucid, completely absorptive state that people enter when they feel like they’re performing their best during certain types of activities..


BDSM participants enjoy the experience of getting away from their day-to-day concerns and attending to things that really matter to them

service top

BDSM can also increase sexual arousal

Additional results suggest that BDSM activities were associated with reductions in psychological stress and negative affect, and increases in sexual arousal…participants were less psychologically stressed, less negative, and hornier.

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How something that is usually repugnant can become a fetish if you are sexually aroused…


More people are into underwear than bdsm as a kink .

In What’s The Difference? Kink vs. Fetishes

a kink is something that A) turns us on, and is B) outside of the predetermined “norm,” …Kink could be anything from getting excited by someone wearing stockings or becoming nearly orgasmic when smelling a partner’s sweat, to everything within the BDSM spectrum, such as bondage or sadomasochism

Fetishes are differentiated by their demanding nature; when it’s a fetish and not a kink, the person in question isn’t going to be able to enjoy themselves without entertaining that specific desire…When someone has a fetish, it is something integral to that person’s sexuality, whereas a kink is an enjoyable indulgence—something delightful and delicious, but not absolutely necessary for their sexual fulfillment…all of the things we do that are within that predetermined “norm” lie on the vanilla side of the spectrum, where things that lie outside that box that we enjoy would be in the middle near the “kink” category, and finally, the things that we cannot sexually do without would be placed around “fetish.”


In The Difference Between A Fetish And Kink, According To Sex Experts

a fetish is a sexual fixation on a specific object or act that is absolutely necessary to a person’s sexual gratification. Often, it’s something that may not be inherently sexual…Kink … is a broader term that encompasses a bunch of alternative sexual interests, preferences or fantasies that go beyond your run-of-the-mill missionary sex. It might include BDSM, roleplaying or impact play such as spanking and whipping.

All fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes. What might be a kink for one person ― you get turned on by seeing your partner in leather chaps ― could be another person’s fetish.

Most fetishes develop from early life experiences and are patterns and behaviors that grow as the person develops sexually

If you like bdsm with some partners (and not necessarily sex), that is a kink. If you need bdsm to get off, that is a fetish.

Kink and fetish often overlap in bdsm practice.

Kinks and fetishes are like brick and mortar in BDSM lifestyle.


Real Ultimate Fetish Chart 



Fetish Poll 


When a person is sexually aroused, sexual activities that he would normally consider disgusting can become interesting. Psychologists call this the Gross Out Theory  

In Why Sex Doesn’t Gross You Out When You’re Aroused

[in a study]  women who watched the sexually arousing video rated the unpleasant tasks as less disgusting than did their counterparts who were not sexually aroused…“The findings indicate that both the impact of heightened sexual arousal on subjective disgust and also on disgust-induced avoidance will act in a way to facilitate the engagement in pleasurable sex,”… sexual arousal lowers inhibitions and often enables one to participate in activities that they might normally find disgusting or off-putting



Similarly, some bdsm practices that people would consider disgusting can become interesting when a person is sexually aroused.

Check out the Kink Negotiation Worksheet from Pervocracy

Step One: What Do I Want?
My kink role is______________
(Dominant, submissive, top, bottom, switch, slave, Master, pet, owner, girl/boy, Mommy/Daddy, vanilla…)
My level of kink experience is _______________
For me, kink is ________________
(a fantasy, a hobby, a fetish, an orientation, a community, an experiment, a lifestyle…)
I want to play because ________________
(I’m curious, I’m horny, I want catharsis, I want new experiences, I want to please my partner, I just do…)
When I play, I want to feel ____________________
(turned on, scared, safe, powerful, humiliated, sensual, in control, out of control, pushed to my limit, cared for…)
Step Two: What Will We Do?
The one thing I would most like to experience today is __________________
Do I want to engage in dominance/submission, physical play, or both? ___________
Do I want to act out a certain role or scenario? ______________
Do I want to feel/inflict pain? ______________
Do I want to engage in bondage? ____________
Do I want to use toys?____________ If yes, which ones?______________
Do I want to have sexual contact? _____________ If yes, what kind?_______________
Is it okay if I get/give marks? ______________ If yes, where? ________________
Do I want to play in public, with selected people present, or in private? ____________
Step Three: What Will We Not Do?
My safeword is “RED” or __________ (If I cannot speak, my nonverbal safe signal is ___________)
If I use this word, it means play needs to stop RIGHT NOW. Whether I am a top or a bottom, I can use this word at any
time for any reason. I will never use this word as a joke or threat. I will never debate or criticize my partner’s use of this
My caution word is “YELLOW” or _____________
If I use this word, it means I am getting close to my limit, or I am having a problem. Play needs to pause RIGHT NOW until
we both understand and have addressed the problem.
My relevant health concerns are ______________
(STI/STDs, mobility/flexibility limitations, seizure disorder, pregnancy, clotting disorder, prosthetics/implants…)
If I have PTSD/panic attack/phobia/other psychological triggers, they are______________
(certain words, being called certain names, being touched in a certain way, being unable to move…)
If we have sexual contact, we will avoid STI transmission and/or pregnancy by _______________
Is there anything else my partner should know about me, my needs or my desires?____________

Check out GUITAPORN Kinks & Fetishes

Haven for Vagabonds and Wanderers

woman-427320_1280 Too much light can be blinding…

Are you novice to the now prevalent shades of grey? There are many, who in these past few years, have started relating to BDSM. Many are simply bored by the monotonicity of the vanilla lifestyle and seek to embark their journey into the uncharted (for self) territory.

Kinks and fetishes are like brick and mortar, in BDSM lifestyle.

BDSM community is always changing and is a very dynamic community. It is not just the sexual aspect but one knows ’bout self, and there is pain and beauty in the revelation. Though, if you look at fetishes of people, you can only just wonder at its immense depth and variety. In here, we majorly would be concentrating on kinks and fetishes, and not the whole BDSM scenario. But, do you know what is the difference between the two?

Fellow kinksters and fetishists, lets first see…

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What a porn shoot is really like…


Guys might think that the reality style movies are “what you see is what happened” but there is a lot that goes on before the cameras roll. Check out this lesbian porn shoot from Simi valley…

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is your relationship dead if you don’t give head? why (some) guys don’t like going down on women-


Although it’s fashionable for guys to go down on women lately, there are guys who will not.

I covered the reverse situation where some women do not want oral sex are to be shamed for their position. How does a guy know if a woman wants oral sex?

From Giving Oral Sex To A Woman: Techniques, Tastes & Scents

you don’t have to ask…she’s grabbed your head and tried to pull your face inside her.

Or if she’s sitting on top of you, she has ground herself into your face so that your nose or tongue has gone halfway up to her womb.

In that case, if she is riding your face like you’re a horse, or if she’s grabbing the back of your head and pulling your face deep inside her, you’re pretty safe to assume she likes what you’re doing.

More fun comes when you have her help you gain access to the most sensitive tissues in her body.

Bring her hands on down and ask her to open herself for you so you have the clit like a shining pink pearl waiting uncovered.

Many guys who object to going down on a woman say it is emasculating for them.

in Chrissie CrawfordDo straight men consider giving oral sex emasculating?

there’s no one way men of any orientation will or will not feel in regards to giving or receiving oral sex. 

Many men do not want to talk about their position on the matter because it may reveal their inexperience and inability to please a woman:

In Men Explain (In Great Detail) 4 Reasons They Won’t Go Down On Women

most guys don’t want to admit that they don’t know how to please a woman fully… it’s about a fear of losing their masculinity

Alternately, some guys think they must perform oral sex on a woman to prove their masculinity but this attitude often has a catch.

in TRACY CLARK-FLORY’s There’s a new macho sex boast

quotes Lux Alptraum, CEO of Fleshbot,

“The pairing of oral skill with manliness makes cunnilingus less about the woman receiving it than about the man performing it” and “the woman’s pleasure more about validating the man’s skill than about the woman herself having a good time.”

Here are why some guys don’t like performing oral sex on women reasons:

In Jessica Booth’s post: 10 Things Guys Don’t Like About Giving Oral Sex To Women

  • They Don’t Like The Taste Here are some foods that might improve the taste (administered orally): pineapple, Green Veggies (but not asparagus, broccoli), Berries/Fruit, Water, Yogurt, Peppermint tea, Honey, Cranberries
  • There’s Discharge
  • Their Tongue Gets Sore
  • The Smell
  • They Think About What Else Goes On Down There
  • How The Vagina Looks
  • Sometimes They Don’t Know What They’re Doing
  • The Pubes
  • Sometimes The Girl Doesn’t Return The Favor
  • Sometimes There Isn’t Enough Communication


Here are some remarks from guys from Lorenzo Jensen III,  17 Men Confess Why They HATE Going Down On Women

  • I felt it was just like putting your mouth on a toilet seat
  • Ugh, why does this taste like fish?
  • The smell coming from her panties made me gag from three feet away
  • I’ve been with a enough women to know that the taste of vagina generally grosses me out
  • I’m not going to go down a girl that has a messy bush, smells bad, tastes really sour, or generally looks messy
  • Going down a girl just does nothing for me
  • For women, the glory hole and the shit hole are so close together that it smells like shit unless she has just taken a shower.
  • It is disgusting to do. It bleeds profusely every month. The pee from it never can quite get cleaned properly
  • I just can’t stand the act of sticking my tongue inside there
  • I get a mouthful of hair
  • The vagina is a nightmare to handle with your mouth

If you’re a king you can expect your wife to go down on you but you don’t have to go down on her – Here’s what DJ Khaled had to say:



Giving Oral Sex To A Woman: Techniques, Tastes & Scents

there are troubles in cunnilingusville, [such as] the sad reality that not all vaginas are clean, healthy, tasty and appealing…If a girl is not a healthy girl…if she eats junk food, smokes cigarettes, does meth, drinks too much booze, doesn’t bathe enough or bathe properly, doesn’t exercise enough (so she doesn’t sweat out toxins), if she has sex with guys who ejaculate inside her, if she has a yeast infection or other vaginal infestations, if she is a nasty skank-ho, or even due to genetics, of course some girls don’t taste or smell good…a person’s natural smell can be a big, subconscious factor in whether a potential mate finds that person attractive or unattractive. When people say “there has to be chemistry” between lovers, it’s literally true…If you’re a girl who likes to have lots of guys inside her, or even just one guy, make sure the guys are clean…each girl is slightly different and you want to do a checklist of sucking, kissing, tongue-inserting, rubbing, opening the lips and licking inside her and other techniques…stopping after each technique to ask how she liked it…If you’re a woman and you love having someone lick inside you and suck your clit, and you’ve done everything possible to ensure that your vagina is healthy and clean, but your lover doesn’t love eating you, or complains that your smell or taste turns him/her off, you have to evaluate if that makes the entire relationship a problem…

In My boyfriend doesn’t satisfy me sexually – therapy

He’s perfectly happy for me to go down on him, and he even asks me to do it occasionally. But he has only done it for me twice, and the second time it was only for a couple of minutes. Since then, he has never done it again, and if I suggest it, his response will be that he’s ‘tired’. 

In Guys, your relationship is 50% dead if you don’t give head 

Sex is the only unique thing you’re meant to share with your spouse and nobody else; so you always have to make it bang!


And for a lot of women, a great and vital component of making that happen getting is amazing, oral sex.

quite a number of women have been heard to say good head can actually replace sex for them.

It’s not non-stop action and endless pumping, guys, just head.

Guys in a Femdom relationship.

If you’re in or about to enter into a femdom relationship here are some points to consider:


Most dominants will want you to perform oral sex on them when they want it. If you want the relationship to succeed, you’ll have to get your head into it and abandon all “guy objections”. Here are some tips that can help you:

You can initially accept the idea that going down on her is at least one way to make her happy and to reinforce your commitment to submit to her. You can communicate to her that you’d like her to clean up her area if it is too skanky or if it has too many pubes for your tongue to get past the thicket, etc. Suggest trying it in a shower with you kneeling before her after you’ve cleared the forest.  Offer to assist her in a bath. Serve her better foods as suggested previously.

Watersports isn’t for everybody but if she runs the idea by you, take her up on it. Let her do whatever it takes to get you aroused, get bound, chained, tormented and beaten and then let her drench you with her nectar in the shower or tub. Smell it, taste it. Just enough before you might gag. Savor it. Repeat after another session.

Let your passion for her acclimate you to the taste of her body and it’s variety of smells. You’ll reject her less as time goes on.

There are some in the bdsm community who believe drinking your partner is the best way to incorporate her body into yours. Of course, you have to be careful about it.

As you become more familiar with her body, you’ll become more tolerant in servicing her orally as she requires.

When you’re with your dominant always ask what you can do to make her happy. If she says: “obey me”, ask how you can obey her at this particular moment. If you approach every opportunity to service your dominant orally with gusto, you may find she’ll come to expect it at almost any time and place.

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His first encounter with a porn star dominatrix…was mind altering



“I just found myself doing it. It wasn’t something where I thought ‘Oh, I want to be a pornstar’, I don’t think that’s the dream of any little girl….”At the heart of every woman is a need to be adored, desired, that’s why we like to look pretty, we like to be looked at, we like to be told we’re beautiful.



His first encounter with a dominatrix… with a good ending

the final act of the session was Mistress Tess removing the hood before taking my dripping dick in her hand and starting to move up and down on my shaft.




check out morethanwhipsandchains   Everyone has fallen in love with a Dominatrix porn star, right?

More than whips and chains

The following is an excerpt from More than whips and chains (the book I have been writing for ages) and chronicles my first visit to see a professional Dominatrix.  It was 18 years ago and I was very green but the thought of this experience still brings back happy memories.

Everyone has fallen in love with a porn star at some point, right? OK, maybe not everyone but I am sure at least a few of us have developed an unhealthy interest in a totally unobtainable person. OK, I will explain where I am going with this.

Even I can struggle to claim watching porn was part of my research in to the BDSM scene. I know you’ll find it hard to believe a 21 year old male would indulge in such a thing, but I must confess to watching the occasional bit of porn back in the day. As…

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