Guys who are interested in Femdom in the bedroom get cold feet when it goes beyond that. Why are guys reluctant to go to the next level of lifestyle Femdom?
Many guys think of Femdom as simply a fetish for getting off. But some men want to progress into a lifestyle relationship. They begin in a vanilla relationship and:
Gradually cede power to her in subtle ways. The more you submit, the more she will begin to dominate openly. Finally you will both be confidant enough to discuss the parameters of your relationship honestly. It sometimes takes time to break down taboos that are thousands of years old, but it’s worth it in the end. You will finally be living with the dominant woman of your dreams…
Does he prefer an egalitarian marriage?
Femdom marriage is love that is based on the unequal power between a dominant (woman) and a submissive (man)
our relationship is built on love, respect and communication like any relationship should be. My dominance is only one aspect of it. I know that my husband loves me and loves to serve me. I think that’s how it should be. I also love and respect him and appreciate his need to serve. Women have always been dominant in relationships in many ways. It’s just that most women don’t realize it. Look at any couple in a restaurant and see how he defers to her and tries to please her. It’s quite normal for a man to try to do anything to please his woman. Men in “normal” relationships are constantly offering submission to their women. All the woman has to do is find the confidence to accept that offer. There is nothing better than being in a relationship with a man who will love, respect, serve and obey.
A lot of people would read this and think – “Oh no, all relationships should be equal”….. This is politically correct nonsense. If you think you believe that then you are being dishonest with yourself. I know a lot of couples and I know of none that have an equal relationship. There is always one dominant partner even if it is not usually acknowledged. It is perfectly natural and you should not try to deny a rule of nature just because you don’t like it.
As marriage is tending toward more egalitarian relationships, are guys becoming increasingly wary of a Femdom one with it’s uneven power?
From bedroom to lifestyle.
Many would-be ‘lifestylers’ start out with fetish activity in the bedroom. They learn about each other on social media (such as Fetlife), chat a while, eventually meet up. Things are going well; there is mutual attraction. After a few drinks they adjourn to the bedroom for an evening of kinky sex. If they survive the first night, it’s on to a test drive of several romantic evenings. They get to know each other’s kinks.
After awhile, one or both consider the idea of test-commitment in the form of moving in as roommates. They begin to see the reality of a lifestyle together. Eventually one member wants a formal commitment, more of going to the next level and extending the relationship beyond the bedroom to everyday life.
To successfully incorporate it within a relationship, both partners will need to have the courage to move beyond traditional sexual and romantic roles that are played out by most couples.
Social conditioning, as it pertains to relationships, is powerful stuff and can lead to feelings of guilt, fear and inadequacy where none should ever exist.
Both men and women instinctively know who they are at a ‘gut’ level. Being in tune with that inner knowledge and living your life exactly how you want, results in true happiness and freedom.
If you’re a guy who is sick and tired of being in control all of the time, then maybe it’s time to let go.
If you truly adore a woman and enjoy treating her like a Princess, elevating her pleasure above yours, then go for it.
If you’re a woman who would like to see how it feels to ‘turn the tables’ and be the one who wields the power in a relationship, why not give male chastity a try.
Freeing yourself from all household duties (or just the ones you dislike) while experiencing exquisite sexual ecstasy, precisely the way you want it, when you want it, cannot be adequately expressed in words.
A man that can provide all of that for her, and then some, will evoke emotions that will reverberate all the way down to his inner core.
My husband and I met, dated and fell in love in the usual way. My dominance over him was introduced about a year after we first moved in together. I had been in relationships before but they had left me feeling unfulfilled. I craved submission from my man. I wanted to be obeyed and worshipped.
One day I asked him for a foot rub. I suppose this happens in many “normal” relationships. He complied and began to massage my feet. At one point he made some cheeky remark and I jokingly replied – “be careful or I will make you lick my feet”- I was testing the boundaries here and his response was music to my ears. He became very serious and said, – “I would love to lick your feet.”
Ten minutes later he was kneeling in front of me and calling me Mistress.
Over the next few days we talked openly about what we both wanted. I explained to him that I had a deep need to be obeyed and to be in control. He told me that he had always craved dominance by a woman and had played the dominant male role only because he believed it was what women expected of him. It was like a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders.
The first thing we introduced was what I call my Venus Medallion. It is a large bronze medallion with a Greek style etching of a naked woman. Whenever I wear this medallion then I am Mistress Lana. He must kneel if I walk into a room and remain kneeling until I give him instructions. He must obey my commands without question and he must never speak without permission.
When I am not wearing the medallion our relationship is more equal. He is not required to kneel or call me Mistress. He can answer back and he has the right to disagree with me. We often have long intellectual debates about various issues and I respect his intelligence. However he is still expected to be obedient.
I wrote some rules and boundaries for my dominance which are as follows.
Normal day to day:
01. You will treat me with respect at all times but you will also be treated with respect.
02. You will listen to my opinions as I will respect yours but you will always defer to my decisions.
03. You will serve me and obey me as required.
04. You will carry out any tasks that I require of you.
When I am wearing the medallion:
01. You will address me as Mistress.
02. You will kneel if I enter the room and await instructions.
03. You will speak only when spoken to.
04. If you wish to say something you will first ask permission to speak
05. You will do exactly what you are told without hesitation or question.
06. You will accept any punishment you are subjected to.
There comes a time when one member of the relationship wants a commitment from the other.
When introducing your ideas, however you do it, the key is to not be aggressive or 100% excited and forward about it. This might make them feel forced to do it, even if they aren’t interested in it, if they see how strongly you want something. Don’t push too hard, because then it will cause one party to be happy and the other party be to silent and resentful.
That’s another reason why bringing it up spontaneously and not as a sit-down topic is better. Just put it out there and see how they feel about it without any pressure or expectation from you. The last thing you want your partner to feel is pressure or expectation. It’s uncomfortable and downright unsexy.
It’s also worth repeating that you hаvе tо сrеаtе a ѕаfе ѕрасе for them tо talk аbоut whаt thеу wаnt, givе them еnоugh timе tо think оn your ѕееming рrороѕаl, and рrоvidе thеm the best еnvirоnmеnt fоr their dесiѕiоn tо be mаdе in.
No pressure in any of those stages.
Then, givе thеm thе opportunity tо save fасе and let you (or themselves) down gracefully if they ultimately decide not to engage in what’s proposed. You want the decision to be 100% on them – but it’s a delicate balance because you’ve also implied that you have needs that aren’t being satisfied, so there must be some degree of compromise. – Amber Cole
Of course, if you’re already in a relationship, you have children or family commitments, you should consider your options before moving forward to advance your budding relationship.
Fish or cut bait .
Usually one member of a relationship becomes disappointed at the slow pace and limited range (such as the bedroom). Here is an example:
a mistress writes:
[I] know I would not be happy without a d/s connection in a relationship outside of the bedroom. I would make [the submissive guy] miserable, I would end up hating him for not being able to feed me as a lifestyle dominant. For me submissive acts are a sign of love and without I feel unloved and unwanted.
Knowing her situation from previous writings, I advised:
A true dominant needs a true submissive with which she can exert her dominance in the way she needs. Anything less than that will be an unfulfilled relationship. While it’s still possible that he’s not ready it is also possible he may never be willing to meet you the way you expect. You have to be up front with guys when they’re hesitating. Make a proposal to him like: “listen Boi, if you stay with me it will be as my lifestyle submissive. You will refer to me as Ma’am. You will ask me permission for everything. You will wear a locking bracelet or collar to symbolize your submission to me. You will defer to me in all matters we discuss. You will be kept in chastity. You will wear the clothes, including lingerie, that I choose for you. You will worship and love me as your dominant. You will have a lifetime of submission.
I will grant you a few days to answer me your acceptance of these terms which you must do if we continue this relationship”.
A proposal like this is not too far out for true submissives. There are guys who would consider these terms as what they need too. You either get the submissive you’d like from Boi or you inform other submissives that you’re open to a possible relationship. Time is short. Fish or cut bait.
Why are guys scared to hook up with a dominant?
Guys are scared of the changes a commitment to a dominant may make to their life.
They’re not sure if they can be themselves if they accept the lifestyle.
For many guys, femdom is just a fantasy that they will not like in real life.
Every man who enjoys being sexually teased (and they all do) has fantasies of things he would love to be forced to do. He also has a list of things that he likes to fantasize about being forced to do but would never really do under any circumstances. Your job, as his tormentor, is to learn what these things are and which are which. Then, and only then, can you really keep your partner on his toes and torment his mind, as well as his body, properly. -Mistress Ivey
Traditional “femdom” involves imposing rules on guys that they are likely to violate. When they do, they receive punishment.
Punishment
Sometimes it is necessary to impose punishment upon my husband. There are two reasons for this. Firstly the punishment is used to discourage behavior that displeases me. Secondly punishment reinforces my dominance and reminds my husband who is in control. Punishments are not a sex game and he does not enjoy them. They would be pointless if he did.
Punishments are usually mild. I will make him kneel for an hour in the corner, or carry out some repetitive pointless task. Of course I will deny him any sexual pleasure but then that’s something that most “normal” women do anyway. The only time I ever inflict pain on him is when he has committed a serious act of disobedience. Then he will be ordered to strip naked and get on all floors on the floor. He will be lashed on his bottom with my riding crop until I am satisfied that he has learnt his lesson.
Again this is not a sex game. This is painful for him and he does not enjoy it in any way. He does everything he can to avoid being subjected to this. I have only whipped him four times in the eight years we have been together, but it’s something he knows I will do again if I feel the need. He once told me that he hated being whipped but he loved the fact that I had the power to do it if I wanted.
I believe a dominant woman must be very careful about punishing her man. He should always understand why he is being punished. He wants to serve his Mistress but he doesn’t want to live with a sadist. You should punish your man only when he deserves it and never just because you had a bad day.
[A sub guy] Must Obey
Make it unconditional that he has to obey you, or anyone you specify, and punish him if he doesn’t do it promptly or well. This is one of those rules that you’ll talk about a lot, bringing it up to him to remind him that he doesn’t have a choice (or that you’ll punish him severely) if he doesn’t obey.
Ideas for Normal Situations
- Have him acknowledge every command with “yes ma’am,” “yes, mistress,” or similar.
- Give him a time limit to obey. For example, he might get punished for not jumping to do what you say within three seconds.
- If he’s being forced to obey someone else, have him ask that person to give you an evaluation of how well he did.
- Test him by giving him a list of things to do while you are away. Demand proof that he did them.
- Come up with a word you can use to tell him that you are giving him an order while he’s in public so that others aren’t aware that you’re giving him a command to obey.
When a Slave’s Been Bad
- Dramatically increase the number of things he has to do so that he’s kept very busy
- Use toys, locks, and complicated tasks to make obeying very hard, such as –> Blindfolding him, then telling him to get a specific item that can only be identified by sight –> Chaining up his hands and then giving him something to type (with his tongue?) –> Give him an enema, and tell him he can’t release it until a task is done.
- Give him tedious tasks, like writing out a sentence fifty times.
Punishment Ideas
Failure to obey you should carry the harshest punishments. The point of this game is to use punishments to force him to obey you. Therefore, the punishments have to be intense enough that doing humiliating and painful tasks is less miserable than going through with the punishments. Generally, you want to pick very painful or very humiliating punishments for this kind of error. Try to get him to call out in pain several times. He’s got a safe-word if you go too far.
- Chain him up so he is completely immobile, then leave him like that for a while, maybe periodically torturing him.
- Take away a sense or a privilege for a long time, such as use of his hands for 24 hours.
- Add a couple extra rules to his list of rules
- Make him pick a few punishments he would rather not be forced to undergo and then draw one randomly
- Add a few days of slavery to his sentence
Guys love a Femdom if they like to be humiliated and want to be a sexual slave. It’s a real turn on for men to serve their mistress, and do everything they can for them, this is how they derive pleasure… a lot of women are now experimenting in this kind of pleasure since Fifty Shades Of Grey took the world by storm. – Maz Jones
Some perspective by
Ives Draper, Relationship Advisor who Answered May 9
times have changed as women are now somewhat freer to assert their dominance over men in all phases of life, but not without a struggle. The author [Kahn, 2009] claimed that many societies are having an extremely hard time allowing for this exchange of power and control to happen…particularly in a sexual context. In her article, “Putting a dominatrix in her place: The representation and regulation of female dom/male sub sexuality,” Kahn demonstrated that “social anxiety” sets in when women act or are even perceived to be more dominant and powerful than men…and men passive and weak.
the term “lifestyle” to signify BDSM is a contentious topic in the BDSM community and that many true dominatrices view it as unprofessional. Some professional dominatrices are, however, also “lifestyle” dominatrices. That is, in addition to paid sessions with submissive clients they engage in unpaid recreational sessions or may incorporate power exchange within their own private lives and relationships.
[A Femdom relationship is for] Those that do seek the escape of responsibility, of being in control, of being in power. It is about being helpless and at her mercy, of being used by her. Even being abused by her.
Being told what to do. That is what it maybe for some. Personally I don’t think that I can really say why. I am drawn to a femdom yes even sexually attracked to her and her powerfulness. When she stands up to me and shows no fear or of being intimidated by me, that is very exciting, Even compelled by some need to submit the her.
It should come as no surprise that some men prefer a strong woman over someone who’s idea of a relationship is to serve them. Dealing with someone whose mind is stuck in a 1950’s mentality can have severe drawbacks.
It’s the man who’s going to be in charge of everything. That means making every single decision, providing for the household on his own and always being the one to initiate the sex.
That simply doesn’t work for everyone and it’s why some people find themselves in the market for a female dominated relationship instead.When you put yourself in a submissive position underneath a femdom, the world starts to make a lot more sense.
No longer do you have to make any of your own decisions. She’s going to be making them for you. All you have to do is try to hang on. Yes, this is going to come with a long list of rules, but that’s just another part of the appeal. A femdom bride is also something a lot of men actively looked for
In being told what to do and how to act, you’re given purpose. This is one of the greatest gifts that a femdom can offer her submissive counterpart in an ongoing relationship.
Being given the opportunity to please a dominant woman is why most men seek out a femdom. It’s your function to serve at her feet as her toy. Some days she’ll want your full attention and to be pampered while other days she’ll simply want you to leave her alone.
It’s always her call and you always have to obey her wishes. Failure to do so will always result in punishment to remind you of your position in the relationship. Once again, it gives you purpose and leaves all of the decision making up to her. – Steve Smith, Marketing Analyst
As a Femdom Myself I think that my slaves really enjoy the exchange of power. We are all business professionals during the day and kinky play partners at night. I take power back and they learn to just submit and let everything be in my control with is something that they really love! – Catherine Schumacher
While many write about the more dramatic aspects of a Femdom relationship, the day-to-day activities are like many marriages with the main difference that the woman dominates the relationship and the man submits to her domination.
dave94015 
Awesome post and great suggestions!
When she stands up to me and shows no fear or of being intimidated by me, that is very exciting, Even compelled by some need to submit the her. ..some guys will respect their partner more when she speaks her mind. They learn to listen to her and begin to follow her lead. When she leads in the direction that is beneficial to their relationship, he will do well to go along with her.