What would you want changed in the kink community?
posted this inquiry:
If there’s one thing you could change about the kink community what would it be?
I collated the responses below, keeping them as close as possible to how they were originally added. To see the threads, check the tweet listed above.
I wish the kink community would be more supportive of each other instead of so competitive. The vanilla world doesn’t understand what we are doing, isn’t interested, or is downright hostile to what we do. If we don’t have each other’s back, then no one else does either.
I’m disappointed when I see others tell others how they should be playing. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. I play how I want, keep your kink shame to yourself. If it’s consensual that’s all that matters. Stop judging others play. Support and be community or get out.
I would change the cartesianism which is inherently present. Not everything has a label. There isn’t only one way of doing things. You can be several things at once. Life and kink don’t fit into neat little boxes. Let people do it their way. It may not be your way, but it’s ok
I wish that [kink] were socially acceptable and not stigmatized! There is so much more I would want to do here to develop as a FinDomme but that I never can because of the risk to my career. I feel limited in what I can achieve due to that.
I agree with this. 100% . I tried in my earlier days of kink to be more open about my BDSM. It just isn’t welcome or understood in ‘normal’ society. And isn’t conducive to a career and other aspects of life.
The stigmatization of ProDommes at many lifestyle events and clubs. When a foodie becomes a professional chef, there is no loss of love for food. We can all eat at the same table.
It would be encouraging and helpful if someone interested in the kink world in any capacity could get proper education. I see a lot of messages about learning about this due to the possibility for injury, etc….but I asked every single person I ever met in the community for guidance and I was constantly strung along. I would do as asked, always…knowing my position as a student. Yet, each time it was just a lie. Never did I get the help or education I was searching for and finally gave up on asking. Now I am just figuring it out as I go along. Sad.
Quite a few things come to mind but one that I personally am involved with trying to change in my local community is the view of a submissive male. A submissive male is NOT any less of a man than a Dominant one. For young men coming of age, it is OKAY to have submissive feelings
As women become more socially & economically dominant, it’s possible that men more open to submission may become more highly prized as potential partners.
I read somewhere on my vanilla twitter (where I follow a lot of feminists) that this is already happening in some urban milieus. Men who accept female leadership and put women’s career priorities first are in a disproportionately strong position in the market for partners.
In my country, the girls are too competitive. That much that they don’t even try to fake kindness to each other. I don’t know which option is worse…
The expectation that Dommes should know everything, and the assumption from subs that we will cater to everything if they pay enough. Never. Stop. Learning!
Re-establish the REVERENCE required for dedication to MASTERING SKILLS & honing one’s craft by DEVOTION TO LEARNING SAFE PRACTICE in safe circumstances controlled by EXPERIENCED PROS. Discard archetypal expectations/ avoid aspiring to inhabit persona. CELEBRATE TRUE SELF IDENTITY
2 things really. The view, mostly by new Dommes, that submissive men are pathetic, weak, worms etc. And the view you can just watch a tv programme pick up a ‘whip’ (usually a flogger) and be a Domme. You need to work hard & learn. It’s not quick or easy and it can be dangerous
The bitchy ice queen & pathetic worm stereotype. If it weren’t the most overdone trope in femdom, I wouldn’t have felt so conflicted about my kinks & would have taken them seriously WAY earlier. As it was, I carried a lot of angst & shame with me because it was all I saw.
I feel the same way: it’s a fun dynamic as part of a scene, but when it’s the only public face of kink, it leads to subs feeling that being submissive is wrong and shameful. I thought for years that wanting to be dominated made me a loser because that’s the only thing I saw.
That instead of it being considered a fetish or kink it would be considered normal urges.
I agree with those that have said the negativity and lack of support for fellow dommes, we should support one another. Yes I understand the need to make money but there is no need for the nastiness and awful behaviour and comments I see
Competitiveness between females is destructive, we must must must stop this, this is the poison of the vanilla world, and we should not let it encroach into our BDSM world
What truly bothered me in the past was how selfish bottoms, slaves and subs can be, begging for my attention and suddenly ghosting to meet someone new. The perk of it? I decided to become a professional domme and couldn’t be happier about it.
The tribalism in some quarters. I was recently told I don’t belong in this community, because I’m “a knight, not a slave.”
I wish there was more diversity in D/s dynamics with regards to female dominant/male submissive. I see it in male dominant relationships, hetero and homosexual and in female to female D/s. It seems to me male submissive get pigeonholed more than any.
I’d like to see more decorum in dungeons and at parties. Goofing off is fun and has a place (like munches and social areas), but ffs can we not cultivate an atmosphere of mystique and well, dignified reverence?
Peoples fleeting judgment and inability to learn or understand from one another
some people, Dominants & submissives, are incapable of separating their real lives from their D/s personas. sometimes resulting in tragic consequences & anguish for the other party, left wondering, “what’d i do wrong?” #ghosting
There is one BDSM game I do not comprehend – feminization as a form of humiliation. How can it be perceived as humiliation when a woman dresses a man up as a woman?
I wish it was more accepted in society. It seems if you want to be accepted in society you have to be in the closet
I would make kink events friendlier for newbies. There has been several times I’ve visited new Fetish clubs and been made to feel uncomfortable as a newbie.
the elitism and ageism of older people!
The bitchyness, the back stabbing, the “oh your new & have so little followers so are obviously just out of school & in it for the cash/don’t know what your doing”
Those who are new to the scene and willing to learn but are treated like crap and ignored, those who have a genuine passion for what they do but are not a “big name” so are seen as lesser beings Subs treated like shit and called worthless etc it’s all well and good
catty and bitchy comments that get me the most
educate those who wish to learn, break the stigma and don’t be so selfish sharing its beauty and its art. avoid competing with other doms instead , be helpful with those who has potentials, either its commercial or for fun.
Get rid of the people who aggressively insist that if you don’t want to be part of their community, you must be against the community.
I don’t think the kink community looks out for one and other as much as they could do as got too much money flowing around in it [kink]
I would stop how certain dominatrices view submissive men I am a switch but I do enjoy as well being dominated by women as well and I think not all but some dominatrices and general public overview of sub men is very bad and can be very lonely exist if you are like that
a basic principle of Safe, Sane & Consensual should be that we are all equal as human beings. all should be treated with Respect, not discarded or mentally abused when it’s convenient for one of the parties in a D/s interaction to end things.
Deffo the whorephobia/whorearchy. It is RAMPANT in many civilian kink settings. Took me quite a while to find an intersection in SW and kink communities, which is surprising given how much providers have contributed to kink in both culture and practice.
For me, it’s the “my kink is okay, but your kink is wrong” mentality that so many have. It’s one thing not to be into something, that’s fine. But don’t judge someone cause they like something ‘weird’ to you. There’s a reason there’s more than one flavor of ice cream!
Submission viewed as weakness Submission takes devotion, commitment and dedication. It asks questions of you constantly both mentally and physically, it takes courage to allow yourself to be entrusted entirely into the hands of another x
it’s better when there’s less toxic masculinity.
How Dominants should be held to a higher level of responsibility and, instead, they use the title to absolve themselves.
wish money wasn’t the most important part of femdom
Findom.
I understand doms have a wish list for someone who would like to appreciate them . But some of them go on about fund my holiday , who will buy this/that for me etc. Feels undignified and manipulative .
Some brutal kinks put me off, anything bathroom related and I’m out
Runners, all subs should have mandatory rules for disengaging!!!
Cut out the drama by certain Dommes who have some more growing up to do
The general lack of education,
I’d like a return to the munch days. The pre internet days to be honest. Back when it was friendly and no drama. I’d also like to see findom completely eradicated
Clique-iness. Judgement.
I wish the the wider culture outside of kink was less judgmental and more understanding
I think we have to be careful about fetishising hormonal problems. There is so much pollution that is messing up peoples hormones these days. I think it’s going to be seen as a real problem in years to come.
Access to the lifestyle (in US)…
Also the cross over between kinks needs to be more recognized.Some subs are willing to pay to session but are not paypigs or into findom. Whilst financial dominance is my main kink I also enjoy other kinks as a domme. A true finsub is harder to come by these days…
The fake “Sisterhood” You are no more likely to be friends because You are both Dommes than if You both worked in a bank The phrase “Lucky slave” aarrgghh!!! Moaning about deposits Kink shaming 3 bonus points just for fun
I would change the Fact that Riggers Use Bamboo rods for Suspension and return to Metal Rings
The disrespect and competition between Dommes.
Kink shaming! There’s this air I get from people of “MY kink is superior to YOUR kink because xyz reasons that make you a terrible person for what you’re into. *nose in the air*”
I’d like to see do-me subs stop harassing lifestyle Dommes and go to pro Dommes. Then again… I’d turn down most do-me subs anyway. They respect no boundaries and push for freebies no matter what. So scratch that. I’d like to see do-me subs pay for porn and leave Dommes alone.
Accessibility of factual, healthy, effective kink/sex education for all, starting at any early age
More respect towards individual choices, let each other manage business however they want without throwing shit at people who do not do the same as you
Also there are some pro doms who go on about how women are superior , women should rule etc. Why can’t we just stick to feminism .
Daddy dommes. To clarify most cis straight ones. Get it together and at least try to understand consent. It isn’t hard.
The automatic assumption by some Dommes/Doms that an unowned sub is theirs.
It [kink] would be treated more professionally like a socially connected business, and less like a slumber party at a sorority
I wish that clientele/submissives would realize that Dominants are more versatile human beings than what’s in their fantasies. We don’t come with latex grafted onto our skin. We have moments of emotional drops. We are more than just kinky service providers.
Competitiveness. Stay in Your own lane Ladies.
That the kink comunity was 100 percent kinksters, and not 20 percent ppl that saw 50 shades and fuck up parties for everyone else.
No more cyber bullying, stop gaslighting kinky Queer/Trans People with Disabilities & be more inclusive to Trans People of Color. That’s one idea. Oh, and make BDSM more accessible to everyone with various disabilities. We should all be united, not divided. And fuck competition.
Man-hating ‘feminists’ who use femdom to push their agenda
dave94015 
Well compiled thoughts. I relate to the feeling that low submissive self esteem can be encouraged by some naive or predatory dominants. Submissive trust in a dominants is not weak. Giving yourself to another can be something that requires inner strength and that can further develop the individual who submits.