…..
Most people think aftercare is simply applying some lotion to cuts on a guys skin after he has endured impact play, but it can be much more than that.
As a precaution, the following article pertains to issues of a darker and possibly “non-PC” aspects of BDSM – namely humiliation and degradation and the problems practitioners may encounter in recovery.
in The Psychology of Humiliation
Embarrassment, shame, guilt, and humiliation all imply the existence of value systems. Whereas shame and guilt are primarily the outcome of self-appraisal, embarrassment and humiliation are primarily the outcome of appraisal by one or several others, even if only in thought or imagination…
One important respect in which humiliation differs from embarrassment is that, whereas we bring embarrassment upon ourselves, humiliation is something that is brought upon us by others. …
Another point of difference between humiliation and embarrassment is that humiliation cuts deeper. Humiliation is traumatic and often hushed up, whereas embarrassment, given enough time, can be sublimed into a humorous anecdote. More fundamentally, humiliation involves abasement of pride and dignity, and with it loss of status and standing…
When we are merely embarrassed, our status claims are not undermined—or if they are, they are easily recovered. But when we are humiliated, our status claims cannot so easily be recovered because, in this case, our very authority to make status claims has been called into question. People who are in the process of being humiliated are usually left stunned and speechless, and, more than that, voiceless.
humiliation is the public failure of one’s status claims. Their private failure amounts not to humiliation but to painful self-realization.humiliation is the public failure of one’s status claims. Their private failure amounts not to humiliation but to painful self-realization. …
A person can readily be humiliated through more passive means such as being ignored or overlooked, taken for granted, or denied a certain right or privilege. He can also be humiliated by being rejected, abandoned, abused, betrayed, or used as a means-to-an-end rather than an end-in-himself. …
We may react with anger, fantasies of revenge, sadism, delinquency, or terrorism, among others. We may also internalize the trauma, leading to fear and anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, sleeplessness, suspicion and paranoia, social isolation, apathy, depression, and suicidal ideation. Severe humiliation can be seen as a fate worse than death in that it destroys our reputation as well as our life, whereas death merely destroys our life. For this reason, inmates who have suffered severe humiliation are routinely placed on suicide watch.
Wendy Sachs presented this TED talk:
an interesting thing can happen after one experiences humiliation – we are now not afraid. Instead of fearing failure and its humiliating aftermath, we’ve experienced rock bottom and that liberates us to take risks and to be bold. We learn to lean more on ourselves than any group. And so shockingly what comes out of humiliation is confidence and courage
Humiliation is a loss of our pride and our dignity. Confidence can give us power to overcome humiliation. In BDSM, humiliation is used by dominants to manipulate their partner into submission.
Psychologist Dr. Liz Powell (see video reference below) views humiliation as a series of levels from embarrassment to humiliation to degradation.
Some submissives feel they become “fully alive” when they are sufficiently humiliated. Degradation rituals are often used to reinforce the humiliation in a bdsm interaction.
In Types of Humiliation/Degradation
BY JENN MASRI
Erotic humiliation: “consensual psychological humiliation in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal…
Erotic humiliation can be done verbally and/or physically and can take place privately or publicly. Some individuals assume an acting role and others prefer to be spoken to in a degrading way. A classic technique that can be used to put the submissive into a bottom mind space is to humiliate them while also providing them with sexual stimulation.
In BDSM play [degradation] can often involve objectification which means acting as if the bottom is an object, like a table, footrest, ashtray, etc.
Sexual humiliation and degradation may include calling the bottom things like slut or whore.
Non-sexual humiliation/degradation may include calling the bottom things like stupid or fat , using their body to rest your feet on or including golden showers (human toilet) as part of your scene.
In dominant guide
Humiliation… is edge play. ..it operates in an area that can have serious consequences.
humiliation can have disastrous consequences from what appears to be innocent fun .
humiliation can cause significant emotional damage to the bottom or
it can create a deeper trust between top and bottom
the bottom will almost always suggest it. It can come out during talk about fantasies or in negotiation. You can also suggest it. “How do you feel about puppy play?” Watch the reactions you get. If there is arousal or some blushing, you may be on to the beginning of a humiliation scenario.
If you’re going to do H-D with your submissive, it’s wise to negotiate before the start of a session and think ahead of the possible consequences of this kind of play.
In BDSM, Degradation refers to “a consensual technique used to embarrass, demean, and humiliate the submissive partner”
Sexual degradation aims at bringing an intense feeling of submission to the person being embarrassed and/or humiliated. Examples of degradation including spitting, ejaculating on, or urinating on the submissive partner. In some contexts, the dominant party may require their sub to remove all of their clothes in public places like BDSM parties, strip clubs, and other adult venues.
Other aspects of sexual degradation can include verbal abuse, insults, verbal and physical belittlement, degrading references, small penis humiliation, mockery, forced exhibitionism, and forced repetition.
H-D is usually more intense than a slight embarrassment or forcing your sub to eat something he mildly objects to. To understand how much of your submissive’s mental and emotional health is at stake and the possible repercussions to the D/s relationship, I’ve collected a list of popular H-D.
Shaving your sub’s head while he is in bondage can be degrading at the time and humiliating when he is out in public. Baronnesss Essex Shaving her Sub
Note that these items are only H-D if the sub feels humiliated or degraded by the activity.
- Force a male sub to wear slutty women’s lingerie (force cross-dressing).
- Make them wear a chastity belt under the clothes when they go to work
- Tie them up outside and leave them there for a designated period of time.
- Make them wear embarrassing outfits when they go out.
- make him wear panties and a bra under their clothes.
- Make them perform rimming.
- Have them shave off all their body hair, eyebrows too.
- Make him wear feminine deodorant or perfume.
- Make him sit down to pee.
- Have them write their own blog, with lots of details about their humiliations.
- Make them admit something embarrassing, then share the news with others.
- Share them sexually with other kinksters.
- Make them wear an O-ring gag and have them talk a lot
- Make them watch porn and have them share all the things that turn them on.
- Make him wear nail polish.
- Write insulting names or phrases on their body with a permanent marker.
- Make them consume their own cum after an orgasm.
- Have them act as a piece of furniture.
- Become a human ashtray.
- Have them lick the Dominant’s boots clean.
- Put them in a cage display them to the “world”.
- Make them eat from a pet bowl.
- Awkward or strange masturbation methods – like making them hump a stuffed animal or into food etc.
- Don’t allow them to close the door when they go to the bathroom – comment about the disgusting smells.
- Peg him.
- Don’t let them speak to anyone – they can only grunt or use strange body language.
- Penis humiliation – small, worthless, flaccid etc.
- Make them wear a diaper and suck on a pacifier.
- Make them dress as an animal.
- Make them perform a very difficult task and tell them all the ways they are failing at completing it or doing it wrong.
- Make them wear high heels.
- Make them wear a slutty French Maid outfit and clean something (or clean a friend’s house.)
- Cover them in pudding or other sloppy foods.
- Make them eat off the floor.
- Urinate on them. Make them “wear it” for a while, and then clean it up.
- Scold them when they’ve done something wrong.
- Call them a degrading name.
- Insult their intelligence or accomplishments.
- Smear some lipstick on their mouths and make them go out.
- Make them stand outside with a sign saying something embarrassing.
- The sub must (REALLY) beg for something they want/need.
- Ignore them completely.
- Spit on them.
- Don’t let them use the pronoun “I”, rather a demeaning title like “this slut” etc.
- Forced chastity – roll some dice to see how long they must go without an orgasm.
- Fuck them near a window with the blinds open.
- Pour water on the crotch of their pants (makes it look like they peed themselves) and take a walk in “public”.
- Make them sleep on the floor.
- If you have a home-desk, make them sit under it while you work.
- Give them an old-fashioned spanking (hairbrush).
- Laugh at them while they masturbate.
- Make the sub watch you having sex with someone and tell them how they’ll never be as good as the person you’re fucking.
- Order for them when you go out for dinner.
- They must ask permission to do anything and everything.
- Make them drink lots of water, take them for a long walk.
- Make them skip bathing for a few days.
- Naked exercise.
- Announce every time they are horny and why.
- Talk about how and why your sub disappointed you.
- Make them walk around with cum in their underwear or on their body all day.
- make them dress in female’s clothes for the day.
- Write dirty things on their body, such as “Dirty Slut,” “Cum Dumpster,” or “Cock Whore”.
- Make them serve you dinner and wait on you in the nude.
- Do their daily routine around the house with a vibrating butt plug in their ass.
- Make them walk behind you in public with their unsecured arms behind their back.
- Feed them while they are kneeling in public.
- Make them tie your shoe in public.
- Make them carry you on their shoulders in public.
- Sit on their face at a public beach.
- Stick your fingers in their mouth in public.
- Locking them to a post or a park bench.
- Lock them in a cage.
- Gag them with your underwear.
- place them in bondage and tie an article of clothing to their face so that they will smell it. Items such as a shoe, sweaty underwear, etc. are popular.
- Make them lick your sweaty orifices. Armpits are most popular.
- Bind them to a toilet.
- ‘Queen’ them for long periods of time.
- forced fem.
- Dollification
- forced bi
- order for him at restaurants
- answer for him when he is asked questions
- call him ‘slave’ before your friends
- make him wash your underwear by hand
- Make him wear a heavy metal chain and padlock around his neck.
- Make him eat food off your ass
- Make him beg
- cuckoldry
- give him a bad haircut or one that can be identified as a slave’s
In Femdom Humiliation Games To Keep A Man Deeply Submissive
List of Femdom teases:
-Strip naked while you keep your Femdom clothes on.
-Have him kneel before you and kiss your feet.
-Order him to address you as Mistress.
-Order him to lick your asshole.
-Tie his hands and have him undress you with his mouth/teeth.
-Enforce orgasm denial on him for extended periods of time. If he disobeys you by cumming, punish him harshly.
-Tie his balls with a string and a slip noose at the end, tighten it around the penis and pull on it and shake it and lead him around the house with it..whatever you want to do.
-Show your Femdom slave your panty crotch and make him smell it but he can’t touch you.
-Tie your Femdom slave spread eagled to the bed and tease him for hours using sex toys such as a feather tickler.
-Make sure he has a big hard and once he does smack his cock lightly with a crop or paddle.
-When he needs just a little more encouragement, take him to the edge but don’t let him cum.
Put on his favorite Femdom lingerie and tease him with it. Scratch him with your finger nails. Tickle him. Pinch his nipples. Sit on his chest and find out what he would do to be allowed to kiss your nipples. Let him almost kiss it but pull away, make him beg. Take a break, put some worn Femdom panties over his face and leave the room for a while and let him think about what else you might do while he smells your scent on the panties.
-Squat above his face, make him reach with his tongue to taste the crotch of your panties.
-Blindfold him and make him lick you until you have several orgasms.
-Rub his face against your pussy or sit on his face and make him lick you until he gags and his jaw hurts.
-Tie his balls off to something behind him so he has to tug on them.
-Masturbate in front of him using a Femdom dildo or a vibrator and put the base of the dildo in his mouth and make him satisfy you with it. Do it so his nose presses between your ass cheeks. He’ll be your little brown noser and love it. Make him lick the dildo clean.
-Put your worn panties over his head so he can smell your odor and make him wear a cock cage while he is doing it.
-Force him to wear your panties or lingerie or dress him up as sissy maid while he does chores around the house.
-He should be collared and leashed and led by you at all times.
-Ride him around as your pony boy wearing spurs and use a riding crop on him while you ride him.
-Attach a leash to his balls or cock ring, and lead him around with that. Tie it off in front of the sink while he does the dishes.
-Dress him up like the slut that he is, wear a strap-on dildo and make him beg to suck it. Fuck him with it.
-Make him wear your panties or lingerie under his regular clothes when he goes to work so that he will think of his Mistress constantly.
-If he is horny and you are not, make him strip and kneel silently in front of you and order him to stay erect. Make him masturbate for you and beg for your permission to cum. Don’t let him, if he does cum make him eat it.
-Reward him for his efforts. For example, allow him to kiss your ass after the dishes are done. Give 1 minute of pleasure for him for 3 minutes of yours.
-5 minutes of pleasure for him after he makes you cum 5 times.
-Spank him 10 times for each minute it takes him to cum.
-If you think he’s earned an orgasm, make him cum and then make him lick it clean where he came.
-Take him to the edge of an orgasm and keep him there, don’t let him cum unless you give him permission to cum. Once you give him permission make him cum in 5 seconds or he will not be able to cum at all.
-If he’s really horny and bothering you, you can order him to jerk off 5 or 6 times in a row on your feet, have him spread it around and lick them clean.
-When you go out, order him to tie himself up, be naked or dressed as a sissy maid waiting for you at the door when you arrive.
-Make him think of a new way for you to humiliate him. Punish him if you don’t think it’s good enough.
-Spank or whip him with a wooden spoon, hairbrush, belt, ruler, paddle, flogger or a crop.
-Hog tied (wrists and ankles tied together) on the bed and leave him there for an extended period of time or on a chair. This will leave him exposed and vulnerable for more punishment if needed.
-Tie up his balls and cock with a long leather thong, clothes line, or boot lace. Use a long piece, and wrap the base and balls repeatedly. Do each ball separately. Then, tie tight loops around his shaft from base to the tip then tie the end off between his legs and up to a belt or to his handcuffs.
-Make him wear a male chastity belt or cock cage.
-Attach clothes pins or nipple clamps to his nipples, balls, cock or anywhere else you see fit.
-Insert a butt plug in his ass or an enema or put on a strapon and sodomize him with it. Don’t give him permission to cum while you are performing these activities.
-Tie him up in a chair with his knees pulled up to his shoulders and allow the cat or dog to lick his penis.
-Have him lick your pussy clean after you pee.
-Put ben-gay or icy-hot on his penis and nipples.
-Drip candle wax on him.
-Publicly humiliate him…take him shopping for panties and lingerie while he is collared and leashed.
Some H/D may be offensive to others and non-PC. For example, degrading men by using femininity offends women.
Collaring. Some view collaring as a source of H-D, especially if the submissive is forced to wear a collar in public. Others view a collar with a sense of pride.
Sissy. A note on forced “sissy” H-D. In the past, a dominant who forced a male sub into a sissy outfit was considered high in H-D. Today, it is not always the case. A local dominatrix, Alice In Bondage Land encourages guys to meet at Wicked Grounds for “Sissy Night” monthly. they dress up in womens clothing (and assist each other) in a private room and then attend Fem domme night at a local club.
“I like ‘forced fem,'” Ken [an attendee] explains …“Somebody who has to be forced to look like a woman, against their will…and into the bondage area.”
He seems both thrilled and slightly terrified to be here, surrounded at last by men who share his desire.
Ken… is a sissy. Most individuals think of the term “sissy” as a macho epithet utilized by schoolyard bullies. Yet on Sissy Night, the word takes on a different meaning. In the BDSM community, “sissies” are men who cross-dress, often for sexual pleasure. Many of these men engage in “sissification” or “forced feminization,” where a female dominatrix will switch her male submissive’s gender role. Though every sissy/femdom relationship is wildly different, the common denominator is usually the forced cross-dressing of the male submissive—anything from lingerie to evening gowns. Some “sissies” simply enjoy dressing up, and have no interest in BDSM. Others desire a kinkier feminization, one that is accompanied by spanking, pegging or bondage.
Alice’s demeanor is overwhelmingly kind, a sort of BDSM momma bear looking out for her sissy cubs. “There is the pretense of sharing a meal together, which normalizes the awkwardness of strangers meeting and having very intimate conversations,” she says. “It’s a way to get to know people without it being in a sex club or a bar where there’s a pressure to hookup.”
Sissy Night is a safe space where these men can embrace their authentic nature in public…
some of the sissies here have long-term partners who embrace their fetish
One of the attendees said: “You see at lot of people focused on…humiliation. But you don’t have to humiliate me to make me put on a dress,” Lexi says. “I want to put on a dress. I want to find people who are into it, and not just as a humiliation thing. “
The “sissy” practice illustrates the variable nature of H-D. For some, dressing up as a sissy, even when “forced” by a dominatrix, may not have much H-D.
Ken, for example, might view dressing up as degrading in his hometown (2000 mi. E. of SF), but he might feel ‘comfortable’ with other TG’s in SF. The intensity of H-D depends on the societal norms of the local community. While many communities view dressing up as shameful and emasculating, in another “norm” TG’s might find the act liberating.
Many H-D activities in lifestyle femdom relationships often become preferred activities by the participants. The H-D effect may diminish over time. As an example, many sub guys will state that an activity is a “hard limit” initially, but will gradually come to like it. If they enter into a relationship where the partners choose not to set limits. [as] seen in total power exchange dynamics, consensual non-consent (CNC) and edgeplay (EP). Whether or not this type of arrangement is considered “safe, sane and consensual (SSC)” is a matter of some controversy in BDSM communities. As an example, a sub guy may consider rimming a hard limit but if the dominant orders him to rim her regularly, the D/s “eroticization” may make the act pleasurable.
Lifestyle relationships often evolve into CNC as trust builds between the practitioners. The dominant may assure her submissive that she will not hurt him as she pushes him beyond his initially stated limits. The submissive succumbs to her orders and complies. But sometimes a dominant can push her submissive too far.
Ms. Masri cautions:
For many bottoms this type of play – just the use of one humiliating word, can trigger them and put them in a bad head space or even end the scene. This is why I think it’s important to be a bit more specific when negotiating this. While one bottom may be fine with “all of the above” when it comes to this type of play, another may only be ok with sexual humiliation/degradation. Another may take this type of play off the table completely. Be mindful that this type of play can include physical aspects, but also goes beyond that to the psychological/emotional. This is not a realm you want to mess around with – especially if the bottom is new or they are a new partner to you as a Top.
Although it may seem harsh, erotic humiliation can be a great source of pleasure for some people. However, because it can also be an emotionally intense experience, it should only be used on a consenting and understanding partner. Individuals participating in this practice should also understand and be respectful of their partner’s limits. The use of safewords is encouraged. Without caution, erotic humiliation can destroy a relationship – and the submissive’s self-esteem.
bit.ly/2tv3wI2
Here is a popular video on erotic humiliation:
Psychologist Dr. Liz Powell explains Erotic Humiliation (E-H) targeted for GLBT. E-H is playing with your mind the way you play with your body. Levels are Embarrassment, Humiliation, Degradation being the deepest. You can control the levels of E-H during a scene.
Sometimes H/D can get out of hand. Check this presentation by
Richard Sprott
Humiliation scenes involve some intense psychological dynamics, and come in a variety of expressions. On one hand, humiliation can mean “putting someone in their place” – protocols and actions that reinforce a submissive or beta position. On the other hand, humiliation can mean playing with embarrassment and shame. This presentation will discuss shame, disgust, and embarrassment – and why some are attracted to this kind of scene. The presentation will also discuss the ways in which humiliation can reinforce a power exchange dynamic. We will also discuss emotional triggers, negotiating boundaries, and aftercare.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kk91GDwLBc
For aftercare, go to 58:00
You can go too far as dominant.
How to recover from H-D play: sensitive aftercare
If a dominant degrades or humiliates a guy, how will she help him recover his ego afterward?
Mr. Sprott suggests engaging the sub after a scene to get him detached from the emotional reaction by asking him about his reaction. Make a note of trigger points and the level of intensity of the H-D for future reference.
Dominants who practice intense H-D often experience a sense of remorse for pushing their submissive beyond what is tolerable in vanilla relationships. Domme’s often remarked about their fear that H-D will destroy the relationship if they go too far. If you belittle a guy too much, he may bail on you.
In some intense bdsm training, a “Stockholm-like syndrome” happens that causes [the submissive] to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity …[with]
strong emotional ties developing … where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.
It is also possible that a dominant can experience dominant-drop after a scene of intense H-D, especially if initiated by the submissive.
A thread on domme drop
Illustrates how a domme worries that she has humiliated her lifestyle submissive too much and is conflicted. Excessive humiliation can jeopardize lifestyle relationships.
If you’re an experienced sub, you may have to provide aftercare to your dominant. For example, reassure her that you’re ok with the things she called you during the scene and that you may take action to remedy defects of character that are real and amenable.
If your play involves intense humiliation and degradation, how do both dominant and submissive partners in a lifestyle relationship recover? There are no easy answers. What do you think?
dave94015 