what’s the difference between a FLR and a femdom relationship – a practical guide for guys

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The recent discussion about differences between a FLR and a femdom
relationship have left some guys bewildered. Guys want to have a lifestyle relationship with a partner who is into BDSM. Many are using kink dating sites that I mentioned in a previous post. When guys are asked “do you want FLR or femdom”, they don’t know how to answer.

The dispute between the differences of two terms is likely to continue for some time. Here is my attempt to outline how a relationship would be different.

Femdom is based on the old guard leather lifestyle. Most people associate them with dominatrices. Many dominatrices are interested in the profession, i.e., in making money from sex work. But even within this group there are some who would like to have a lifestyle relationship with a guy who is into what they are into: D/s.

Many guys now accept the traditional roles of women

Guys have struggled for years to accept the equality of women (and a few have succeeded) – but many guys cannot get their head around the idea that one gender (namely women) is superior to another. They’ll acknowledge that women are often superior in some areas of knowledge, but not in others. It is for this reason guys will not submit to women out of some doctrinaire of gender superiority.

some guys acknowledge that their partner is superior to them and accept a subservient role
Guys entering into a LTR femdom relationship may be expected to sign a contract
The general BDSM contract has these typical terms

Femdom relationships are based on the contractual agreement that a guy makes to obey his partner. If he disobeys he will usually receive corporal punishment. The general public associates this punishment with scenes of whips and chains in a dark dungeon.

For these and other reasons, some exponents of FLR have recently redefined the relationship as the woman leading but without the femdom practices I described.

In Te-Erika Patterson The 2 Basic Types of Female Led Relationships

Your partner may approach the subject of “surrender” to you. What do you do?

FLR that focus’s on controlling the man

[which is] the leading fantasy for men who are interested in Female Led Relationships. These men usually call it Femdom or Female Domination. They want a woman who is stern and focused on correcting their mistakes in a harsh way, punishing them and emotionally abusing them. They crave rejection. They want to be controlled. They want to feel fear of the woman they are with. They are usually masochists; people who enjoy pain. Patterson considers this as “femdom” and not the FLR she advocates.

Some men fear that a FLR relationship will “domesticate” them; others look forward to domestic service to their partner

FLR that focus’s on empowering the woman

[which is] If you need help, he helps. When you need love, he offers it. He is always thinking of ways to please you. No dream you could desire is out of his reach, or he will at least try to make it happen in some shape or form. This man is delighted to see you achieve even more than he could ever achieve. He won’t complain that you are not ‘dominating’ him enough or meeting his needs. His needs consist of one thing: ensuring that you are well taken care of and happy… If you expresses a need, he does not hesitate to secure it. He always says YES to you when you want something done. He doesn’t tell you no when you express that something is important to you. He asks you for your opinion on decisions because he wants to be sure that you are satisfied first.

men in a FLR may be tasked with many chores
some men believe that they will become a slave to their partner in a FLR and that they will be tasked with many chores to prove their submission and to please her


FLR relationships assume that the female in the relationship is superior to the male and that his duty is to obey and please her. If he strays from this hierarchy he is often shunned or given mild make-up tasks such as writing lines, standing in the corner, etc.

Some FLR writers contend that males can only be motivated by wearing chastity devices for long periods of time. The device controls his orgasms and somehow increases his ardor for his partner.

a male awaits for a spanking from his dominant. Spanking is the most common form of punishment in both femdom & flr relationships

The motivations for a relationship in femdom are illustrated in a previous post where a slave male knows he’s disobeyed his mistress and receives a painful flogging.

FLR punishment is best described as anything a dominant wants to do to influence her subs behavior. In Female Led Relationships: Femdom Lifestyle

The way to encourage good behavior is to reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. Don’t forget the positive reinforcement. Even masochists like hugs, kisses and praise. Catch your naughty subs doing things right once in a while, and remind them that putting you in a good mood is what makes you want to play. … get into the habit of rewarding what you like and punishing what you don’t.

In Formal Punishment Sessions

Ceremony and formality are appropriate for corporal punishment sessions… Curtains, cushions and candles create a ceremonious air and attractive environment. Here a Mistress can discipline her malesub enjoyably. .. The malesub will prepare the punishment space. Then place him in a vulnerable position making his body available for the spanking or whipping to come. As he waits there is nervous apprehension grows adding to his punishment without his Mistress exerting herself. She may be sipping a glass of wine meditating on his distress. .. her costume is elegant but simple. Basic black is perfect. Rather than heavy leather or PVC her costume allows ease of movement and evaporation of sweat.

If a 24/7 D/s relationship is impractical, @PracticalFLR suggests rules:

One reason rules are important in a #flr is because 24/7 D/s is exhausting and not feasible.But with rules in place to create a D/s theme,both #domme and #sub can take breaks from D/s and enjoy relaxing with each other,as more equals with rules as a guide.This keeps A flr strong.

Sissy Relationships.

Some dominants enjoy sissification within the context of a D/s relationship for humiliation or other purposes.
Some women want a guy to take on the role of a sissy.


But not all dominants want a full time sissy as it can lead to problems:

My bf likes to be made into a sissy, wearing frilly maid’s outfits etc and being told what to do. When we’re talking dirty he always says he wants to be seen and I’ve sent him out the house on a couple of occasions or made him do the washing up (kitchen window leads onto main path). He likes to be the submissive one (which is fine most of the time – I’m happy to be dom) but sometimes I’d just like to have sex without him being dressed in one of his dresses…or for him to take control and dominate me. Also, I don’t want others to see him – especially our neighbours….

Sissification can satisfy guys who have a fetish for women’s clothing and become a femdom relationship with variations of D/s.

In Lady Alexa’s Discipline and punishment she writes:

Discipline and punishment is a difficult area in a loving FLR. ..
discipline is the method I use to maintain control in the relationship and punishment is the penalty mechansism I use when [her sub] shows a lack of discipline. Punishment is often physical but may also be non-physical, a withdrawal of certain rights for example. Discipline is all about the rules and behaviours I expect which cement my authority but may also involve physical spanking.

Examples include:

Enforced feminisation. I expect her in female ‘wear’ at all times at home,  female underwear outside and to have a female beauty regime… Maintaining this discipline establishes my authority and control since [her man] never actually wanted to be a girl although she has become accustomed to it over time. It accentuates her submissiveness and it’s a great discipline for her to take care of herself.

Demonstration of respect. This discipline involves curtseying, maintaining the home as a housewife, kneeling before me, massaging and washing my feet after a hard day and so on. She must always call me Mistress. ..The area of respect is what makes an FLR so rewarding

Maintenance spankings  Besides being a necessary discipline I do so enjoy it. There’s something about the feeling of power when spanking a naughty girly husband.

Clitty [male genitals] control and feminisation

to ensure removal of nasty masculine traits once you’ve feminised him. I renamed it a clitty a long time ago and the whole area is her pussy. I ask [him] to tell me who owns it and tell me how feminine it is, especially with a cure little triangle of pubic hair. I’ve recently [discovered] the benefits of a cock cage to further diminish it.

[her sub male] isn’t a bad girl but at times she does forget that things aren’t equal in our relationship. I don’t punish  her a whole lot these days as my discipline regime seems to work, on the whole. If I do feel that punishment is needed it could range from her having to stand in the corner, being made to sit on the floor and removing her clothing through to actual spanking. I do tend to spank that much harder if it’s for punishment and I may even spank or slap without warning. Without-warning spanks will be on her bum, legs, clitty/pussy or occasionally around her face. I never kick but I do hit her with my open hand on her clitty through her knickers if she’s been naughty, usually talking back to me or making excuses.

I prefer to focus on discipline to make our FLR work smoothly. As a happily married couple, our FLR provides the framework for our daily lives. … Discipline and punishment is a difficult area in a loving relationship but it’s necessary in an FLR to enforce the transfer of power to the [dominant]

Many FLR relationships use chastity to control the male’s behavior. In Why Is Male Chastity Closely Associated With Female Led Relationships?

When a male is placed in chastity [they] fall in line and become more obedient, more helpful and more focused on empowering her and progressing in life in general. .. Men want to be placed in chastity or have their orgasms controlled because it arouses them when they feel weak for a woman, to need her, to be under her spell. Men want to be emotionally and sexually mesmerized by a woman. It gives them meaning in life. .. While it may seem that men who request orgasm control and tease and denial are attempting to lead the relationship, at the root of their desire, they are really offering a woman the key to their heart by letting you know the secret way to keep them mesmerized and in check.

In A Beautiful Orgasm 

 Mistress Tiffany then kept orgasming for a very long time. It was the biggest orgasm I ever saw her have, it looked amazing. I kept the Wand pressed hard against her clit and it seemed that the orgasm would never stop. By the end of it I was so out of breath and so jealous of the beautiful orgasm Mistress Tiffany just had. After that I brought Mistress Tiffany some water and we just lied on the bed for a while, with me straining in my cage and Mistress Tiffany completely satisfied.  

to conclude, guys should recognize the subtle differences between a femdom and a (redefined) FLR relationship. The femdom is typically based on a contract of love, worship, obedience with dominance and submission, impact play for either arousal or punishment . FLR is based on pleasing your dominant before yourself and behavior modification to reinforce this. Both have their merits and appeal to different interests.

It is possible that you can start in a FLR and progress into a femdom relationship, but don’t hold any hopes as the two are distinctly different.

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About dave94015

interested in alternative relationships, visual artist, erotic romance writer and reviewer of erotica, drug rehab clinic intern - late 20's
This entry was posted in bdsm, femdom, flr, relationships, spanking and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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