Can you have love in BDSM?

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BDSM couples often signal each other their dominant and submissive roles.

In Can you have a truly loving relationship in BDSM? Michael Benes 

states:

BDSM does not require love, but it certainly does not exclude love…The idea that I can beat and choke my wife, and do it with nothing but love in my heart…it just does not seem right.

In BDSM Does Not Equal Sex Does Not Equal Love (Automatically)

BDSM is the richest and most satisfying …when it’s combined with a romantic, loving, sexy relationship….[but one can] play with people in educational, party or private settings, people that, for whatever reason, are not romantic relationship or intimate relationship possibilities…If you’re a perspective play partner who knows that you’re not likely to fall in love with someone and they’ve told you they’re quite likely to fall in love with you if you play together…, then maybe you need to proceed with caution before you play with that person.

 

In BENEFITS OF BDSM IN RELATIONSHIPS

A Kinky relationship, or one that engages in kinky sex is stronger for a variety of reasons not the least of which include the increased sense of intimacy and the levels of communication

 

In Love in BDSM lifestyle

 

what is it that gives pleasure to a sub? What gives her happiness and joy? Knowing that she serves her Master/Dom. When she gives her body to be sexually used in the ways her Dom enjoys, she is filled with pleasure and happiness looking at him taking pleasure. When she needs correction she takes her punishment with pleasure…After the sexual act or the punishment both will share a moment of “after care”. The Dom will go close to her to provide her the reassurance she is the one for him, he might hold her in his hug or kiss her or even grow “vanilla”. ..She …will “swim” deep in that feeling, will surrender her self even more in that “after care” happy she is the one for him. They might even grow playful in a silly way and share a laugh but they will be together as one and that is the core of Love, the meaning of Love. Love is when two individuals act as one, feel as one, think as one and live as one. They forget the “I” and become “We”. …“I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me.”

 

In Dennis Najee’s  Love and BDSM

Does that mean there is not a “love” among a Master and slave. Certainly, especially in a long-term relationship, there is a strong bond that is formed. Is it love? Perhaps it is and, then again, maybe it is not. The individuals involved determine what they experience…there are many BDSM relationships that contain love as a basic component. However, there are also many instances where this is absent from the relationship.

 

Many relationships become long-term if there are similar socio-economic conditions because our culture reinforces at least heterosexual relationships (as a legal marriage, for instance).

From the few surveys of BDSM practitioners, the activity is popular to only less that 10% of the general population. The majority of submissives are women and the majority of dominants are men. We don’t know the exact reasons for this but at least the statistics suggest the odds are better for dominant guys looking for submissive women to form long-term relationships because of the the likely BDSM role “fit” and the cultural forces. Prospective couples with moderately disparate socio-economic status could form a BDSM-themed relationship that may resemble a “vanilla” one in other respects.

From my experience, it is not unusual to see couples that have wide differences form BDSM attachments. Ethnic, age, economic, personality, cultural and  political differences can still survive the “glue” that BDSM provides practitioners. The predominant personality trait is dominant and submissive when they are together.  I see this often with couples that have significant age differences such as Daddy, little girl, cougar/boy, etc. Generally most research places dominants on the controlling side and submissives with a more agreeable personality. 

For guys who deviate from the BDSM norms of their gender, the possibility of forming a relationship is much harder, but these relationships can succeed because the basic cultural influences (i.e. hetero-normative) provide at least a “vanilla” glue that partners can build on.

For GLBT practitioners, there are even fewer likely practitioners and little or no cultural support. Nevertheless, the scarcity of participants limits the selections of partners. People may have to “settle” with whoever they can find that will at least satisfy higher priority partnership needs.

 

 

sometimes love is expressed by a quiet evening together enjoying our special relationship. Why women prefer submissive roles is largely unknown, but the roles provide them with a sense of security if they can partner with a dominant who can care for them exclusively.
a guy doesn’t always have to lead the evening when the feeling is right, do it! Many guys are not proactive with their partners for making the first advances. It’s now acceptable for women to make the first moves, even if she plays a submissive role.
sometimes a guy has to comfort his princess from bad dreams. Dominant women still have basic, primal fears. Submissive guys who partner with them may have to occasionally “protect” them emotionally while still retaining their submissive role.
your dominant can be playful too! The general public often views BDSM practices negatively because of the over-promoted pain and suffering that is exchanged in commercial and public play sessions. While this makes for interesting erotic drama, it does not reflect the daily activities of those in BDSM partnerships.
In a flexible relationship, power is always negotiated. Dominants do not usually want to be on top all the time. They’re willing to give power to their submissive and let them run the play from time to time.
Your partner will do whatever you need to keep your love for her. If a guy reveals to his partner what really turns him on, she may respond to his needs in time. 
BDSM can deepen your marriage. Many married couples yearn for deeper commitment. BDSM relationships can intensify the relationship.
BDSM is often a form of play to keep desire flowing. BDSM play is often symbolic of the practitioners inner desires.
Her submission is precious. Treasure it! When she submits, she is making a deeper commitment to you. Don’t ignore it even if you don’t fully understand what is happening. Accept her gift immediately and figure things out afterward.
explore new roles, new realities with your partner. BDSM opens up the realm of possibilities of role-reversal, guys exploring their feminine side and women exploring their masculine one.
you don’t always have to top. let her toy with your body. Let her feel you to get a sense of how your arousal mechanism works. Feeling says much more than words. 
Your partner can be aroused simply by watching you wield the whip. The drama of the pose can often be more arousing than the action itself.
when she dresses up for you, worship her. Remember, it may be difficult for your partner to wear uncomfortable fetish clothing. Respect her for her efforts and respond to your fantasy by showing her your devotion.
if women can look sexy in lingerie, maybe guys can also arouse their partner. There is a large selection of undergear that guys can wear that will show off their best assets. It’s important to get your partner as aroused as you are.
love is about finding the ways that work best for you and your partner. Communicate your needs with her in a neutral setting and let her time to process your desires. Also, don’t refuse her fantasies immediately. Take time to think about it and maybe take the chance that it will also be eventually interesting to you.
It’s the little things that she’ll do with you…that builds love.It sometimes starts as a love bite on your neck while she strokes you and get accustomed to associating a little pain with your arousal. And who knows, maybe you’ll eventually consider body modifications as a way to show her that you want to belong to her.

About dave94015

interested in alternative relationships, visual artist, erotic romance writer and reviewer of erotica, drug rehab clinic intern - early 30's
This entry was posted in bdsm, bdsm-play, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Can you have love in BDSM?

  1. totorolight says:

    I’m not sure why it is a question but I like your thoughts on the matter. In my mind, love can exist no matter what circumstances give people pleasure. Whether it does or not is a different question, but whether it can, I believe whole heartedly. 🙂

    • dave94015 says:

      I explained my post with a little more writing to get at your critique. It is hard for the general public to understand why a relationship that often involves pain and suffering could also be love. It’s a difficult subject to explain and needs a post completely devoted to this. I hope to write about it in the future. I enjoyed your posts. -D

  2. dave94015 says:

    I have a question for you. Do you think love precedes the BDSM or does it follow? Couples I have met found love as they settled in to their relationship.

    • totorolight says:

      An interesting question, to be sure. I think it CAN go either way. In the end it is the qualities behind the BDSM that can cause people to fall in love. My dom and I didn’t know that each other enjoyed anything in the BDSM realm, for a while, but I had been falling in love with him anyway. His qualities that I expect of any dom, I would expect of any man with whom I was involved: leadership skills, self respect, humility, with a hidden streak of sadism , that I, as a sub, was able to see, but that any other average person, may miss.

      • totorolight says:

        To that end, though, I don’t think a sub and dom can be in a non-BDSM relationship for a long period of time. I don’t think we can…deny that about ourselves? So, had my relationship wioth my dom, remained “vanilla” as it were, the fire would’ve faded fast.

      • totorolight says:

        On a philisophical note, though, can anyone really be in love with someone, if they are not fuly “themselves”? I guess the idea is….I can love whomever. I can be in a relationship with anyone….but eventually I will naturally reject someone that will not own me. Romantic love, may be exclusive to BDSM relationships for doms and subs.

      • dave94015 says:

        Can you clarify your last sentence about romantic love? Did you mean that romantic love can come from BDSM relationships (as well as other ‘vanilla’ ones)?

      • totorolight says:

        I mean….if anyone is naturally a sub or a dom, I don’t think they can have romantic love for someone that is not their counterpart sub or dom, because it would mean denying a very core part of oneself. They can love someone vanilla, they just can’t be IN LOVE with someone vanilla.

      • totorolight says:

        Hence I think a relationship with a kink person and a vanilla person is doomed to fail. It may take years but I think it will end.

      • totorolight says:

        But a relationship between two people, both of whom are sub or dom, even if they don’t know that about each other, or about themselves, can work

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