aftercare in femdom & maledom play

If you switch during a #bdsm session, it’s not always clear about who should be giving aftercare to who. I looked into the question and found there’s no simple answer. The aftercare a dominant guy gives to a submissive female is different than the aftercare a dominant woman gives to a submissive guy. The purpose of aftercare is often thought to help a submissive come out of sub drop after a pain session. It turns out that dominants often experience a type of “dom(me) drop” after a session. Many articles describe aftercare as something the dominant applies to the submissive but there are situations where the submissive applies aftercare to his dominant. There are also times where both participants contribute to the mutual aftercare of each other. Aftercare should be considered before the scene is beginning. Participants may want to discuss their emotional and physical needs before starting so that they can develop a mindset of what they will need to do with the other when the scene is ending.

 

Here are some notes about aftercare from both dom/sub and gender perspectives.

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A bdsm session can be a way of building a better bond between the participants, especially if aftercare is used.

From Hormonal changes and couple bonding in consensual sadomasochistic activity

participants [in consensual sadomasochistic activity] who reported that their SM activities went well showed reductions in physiological stress (cortisol) and increases in relationship closeness…The increases in relationship closeness combined with the displays of caring and affection observed as part of the SM activities offer support for the modern view that SM, when performed consensually, has the potential to increase intimacy between participants

In an article entitled “Aftercare” by Chris M., he describes it like this:

Aftercare is the last act of the SM drama. It is the culmination, the pulling together of all loose ends, the finishing touches, the final communion between sharers of the SM ritual, the phase where the participants (usually the tops) formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality. Its technical purpose is to transition both players from the elevated states created in a scene back into normalcy, returning to the motor control and awareness they will need to drive home once the scene is over. But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it’s much more than that. It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to express thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene, and it is part of the scene.

 

While aftercare can likely increase relationship bonding, the absence of aftercare after a scene can sometimes reduce this bonding.

from “Before Trying ANY Kind Of Kinky Sex You MUST Understand ‘Aftercare'”

 

Aftercare is a way for a Dominant to say “thank you” to a sub for opening up and giving the Dominant full control of her or his mind and body, and for the submissive to confirm to the Dominant that boundaries were respected and the experience was mutually fulfilling. This strengthens the bond between partners and deepens their connection with each other. When limits have been tested, the role-play might need to be balanced with positive affirmations on both sides. Without a supportive aftercare program, the Dominant, the submissive, or both could feel lonely, empty, and used — and this can potentially foster an unhealthy D/s relationship

Aftercare is not a formulaic ritual that a dominant applies to a submissive after a scene. Sometimes the submissive must apply aftercare to the dominant in the scene. Likewise, it is not always the case that men must provide aftercare to women whether in the role of dominant or submissive. There are scenes where a woman is better to at least start the aftercare. Aftercare roles should be based on who needs what after a scene. It helps to prepare for aftercare before initiating a scene.

It is best to discuss your preferred form of aftercare with your partner before you engage in bondage play.

Some examples include:

  • Cuddling or spooning your partner.
  • Massaging his or her body using essential oils.
  • Holding and consoling the other person as they cry and release their emotions.
  • Taking a shower together and washing their body and/or hair.
  • Attending to any injuries that might arise from sadomasochistic play.
  • Adhering to their temperature needs such as wrapping the other person in a warm blanket or turning on a fan.
  • Creating a calming atmosphere with scented candles or tranquil music.
  • Making your partner a plate of food or offering a beverage.
  • Driving the person home.

The goal of aftercare is to make your partner feel safe and lessen the degree of subdrop .

from the caregiver-little advice tumblr site @a-princess-domme writes:

 

Aftercare is a form of providing comfort for your significant other, usually one who takes on the role of a submissive. It causes them to feel safe, and secure. It is a way to reduce the chance of Subdrop. Aftercare is common in the BDSM scene due to the intensity of the scenes or actions that take place.

Using Aftercare after a punishment has been done is really important. It shows that while you had to punish them, you still love them! You still care about them and their needs and how they are feeling.

It is also important to know that aftercare is needed by dominants as well, this is not something that is for subs only. Be aware of how your partner is doing before and after a scene or relationship experience. It’s important to be aware of these things to avoid a potential relationship damaging experience.

If you ignore subdrop or the needs of your partner, it is possible for them to lose interest. They will become distant. They lose their trust in you. They will begin to find less enjoyment in entering a scene or aspects of the relationship dynamic with you.

In a femdom session,  MissBonnie © collarncuffs.com writes in aftercare

Some people…may experience “ a Crash”: feelings of anxiety, exposure, embarrassment, guilt or emotional overload. ..Crash is the SM / femdomme equivalent to the post coital blues…how well you take care of your partner will say a great deal about what the scene really meant, whether it was just a quickie or a deep beautiful bond bringing you closer together as people.

 

[aftercare] is the last act of the SM Femdom scene. It is the culmination, the final act, the finishing touches, the phase where the participants (usually the tops) formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality…

In Femdom play, Aftercare is important following:

  • Scenes that are demanding and intense
  • Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm or emotional release.
  • Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
  • Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation or intimations
  • Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting or unseemly act of God.
  • Scenes that have “gone bad” resulting in anger, or upset, or ending on a safe word (both top and bottom may well need/appreciate some reassurance if this happens)

there are a number of simple, mechanical activities that need to happen.

  • Removing your partner from bondage, or blindfolding
  • Treating any first aid issues that need to be tended to.
  • A bathroom break might be in order
  • If you and your partner have been standing, sitting down might be nice. If your partner has been bound, stretching out might be good. Holding, talking, being together, allowing time for heart rate and breathing to return to normal
  • Food & drink
  • A transitioning out of scene roles into the roles of equal compassionate friends (unless it is important for one or both of you to STAY in a role).
  • Permitting the submissive to redress into comfortable clothing
  • Responding to any physical or EMOTIONAL needs the submissive may have (talking about the scene, tears, etc.)
  • Cleanup of the scene equipment and play area. These can all be ritualized and performed with tenderness to maintain the headspace of the scene even after the mechanics of the scene are dismantled.

Aftercare is a good time to move from roles of play (top/bottom, mistress/slave, etc.) into more equal roles of mutual friendship, nurturing, and respect. Holding, cuddling, and touching is nice, depending on your relationship with your partner. Depending on your level of intimacy and the time available, so is bathing together, sharing a nap, sex, or grabbing some food, more talk, reading aloud to your partner, a sponge bath, or a massage. Some like their faces touched… But bear in mind that what works for some will not work for all. What seems affectionate and sweet to some may be mushy and silly to others, or inappropriately intimate, if it involves more kissing and intimate touching than your partner is comfortable with. And Dominants, if cuddling is too touchy-feely for you, at least staying in your partner’s presence is a good form (have them sit with you, at your feet, fetch you drinks, stroke their hair, etc.)

 

 

Here are some activities you can do for aftercare:

  • Snuggling
  • Drawing them a bubble bath
  • Cuddles and a movie
  • Gentle caressing
  • Just holding your partner
  • Giving them a bath
  • A massage
  • Using soothing lotions on bruises/marks
  • A short nap with your partner
  • Petting/soothing with words. (i.e. good girl/good boy/ you did so well)
  • Giving a treat (warm milk/tea/some goldfish, etc)
  • Brushing their hair
  • Watching a movie of your partner’s choice
  • Reading a book to them
  • Kissing their marks/bruises/wounds
  • Letting them know they’re safe
  • Wrapping them in their favorite blanket with their favorite stuffed animal
  • Ensuring their comfort item is within reach
  • Treating any potential injuries/wounds
  • Having a deep conversation/heart to heart
  • Reading them a story
  • Preparing a meal for you and them, ensuring they eat and hydrate
  • Answering questions they ask -remaining calm during it.
  • Ask how they are feeling and checking often
  • Validate them
  • Be emotionally available and understanding

 

Returning to ‘Normal’ Life. Aftercare can also be useful to transition into the usual self we maintain in everyday relationships. In BDSM Beginners: All About Aftercare , Katy Thorn writes:

Our fantasies don’t necessarily correlate with who we are in our regular, day-to-day lives. While we may want our partner to dress as a demanding authoritarian who exacts humiliating punishments on us during kinky play, that’s not how we want them to treat us during the normal course of our relationship. Aftercare functions as a ‘recalibration’ for the normalcy of your relationship.

 

 

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About dave94015

interested in alternative relationships, visual artist, erotic romance writer and reviewer of erotica, drug rehab clinic intern - mid 20's
This entry was posted in aftercare, bdsm, bdsm-play, bdsm-session, femdom, flogging, impact-play, relationships, spanking and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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