Why #bdsm relationships are so intense…and why some don’t get it

bd-cpl6

Lately, whenever there is a discussion about #bdsm relationships, I often hear at least one person say: “I’ve tried it and I don’t like it”.

But is bdsm something you can try on like a new set of clothes? Why does bdsm appeal to a select few but not to most people who have tried it?

Dr. Gloria Brame explains it best (at   Five Psychosexual Stages of BDSM Pleasure  ) :

primality:

Intense sensations can unleash primal journeys. Anything that stings, spanks, thuds, pinches, constricts, compresses, weights, scratches, cuts or otherwise could make someone squeal, along with intense emotional experiences (surrendering all power, assuming all power, humiliation, head-trips and anything else that alters your mental state temporarily), combine to strip off the civilized suit and lay bare the erotic human animal within us.

intimacy:

The power of a BDSM dynamic is that you have two truly naked primal beings joined in one purpose: to explore the limits of their minds and bodies.

Intensity:

a level of emotional energy that takes us out of ourselves and turns us into the creatures we become when we play together

Passion:

primality, intensity, and intimacy free us to define ourselves according to the truths of our inner lives, truths that reveal themselves in the fire of BDSM passions. …people get to know each other on such a deeply naked level, that when they fall in love, they fall in love with the real naked person their partner is.

Healing:

a solid, loving BDSM relationship has restored [a] sense of self and provided therapeutic relief of the highest order. Voyaging into extreme erotic experiences and coming out on the other side feeling loved, respected, even adored, is in itself a reparative act.

Although kink play with toys has become fashionable, most “players” retain their sense of “normality” and do not take their play into a deeper D/s relationship. Reasons for this reluctance vary. Many have adjusted to a conventional relationship and fear upsetting the equilibrium they’ve established. Many have careers, kids, family, religion and other institutions that hold them back.

A bdsm relationship is not suitable for most people. But for the few who have been with it, they seldom want to go back to a “vanilla” one.

2. Are BDSM interests developed from childhood abuse?

Dr. Brame and others have suggested BDSM has

broke my own destructive cycle of keeping secrets, helped me deal with childhood abuse, and beat back the demons of low self-esteem that troubled me all the way into my 40s.

But is BDSM only effective for those recovering from emotional problems?

in the article

The science of what excites kinky people doesn’t end with armchair psychology

The author, Nichi Hodgson writes:

Most general medical discourse about kink focuses on unpicking early childhood trauma, emotional disturbance or abuse…when it comes to consensual kink, we could greatly benefit from more focus on the physical.

 

That is, it may not matter how we got into kink and eventually into a bdsm relationship. What matters is that we are turned on by the physical experience.

 

there’s a science to spanking, to nipple torture, to candle waxing and to pretty much any other sex act you could name where prolonging the anticipation of touch or relief or safely manipulating blood flow causes the release of neurotransmitters – such as dopamine, adrenalin or serotonin – that result in a chemical high

you have to be able to find that kind of physical stimulation arousing in order to be turned on …[if] having a person you find attractive putting you over their knee and spanking you in a way that encourages your body to release noradrenaline, adrenalin and dopamine in anticipation of the spank, and then opioids on point of contact is likely to be a pretty positive sexual experience

 

But how does kink affect those with backgrounds of abuse similarly with those without a history of abuse?

Kink in of itself is just a way of performing intimate acts between participants, regardless of the backgrounds (or emotional states) of the players. If anything, kink disrupts people from regressing into their usual hangups. Kink, especially bdsm, forces them to be in the “now” and process seldom-felt sensations. They don’t have time to listen to their demons of the past.

When the kink play is over, many subs experience a drop in their mood. Dominants seem to become disoriented, almost spacey. Eventually, their usual attitudes resume control over their emotions.

A bdsm relationship differs from kink alone in that deeper emotional exchanges take root. These experiences may eventually replace negative feelings from the past for many. As Dr. Brame said,  bdsm experience provides “a level of emotional energy that takes us out of ourselves” . If, instead of coming down to our normal repressed emotional state, we move forward into a lifestyle of exhilarating possibilities, we may shed our older skin and see life a new and different way.

in

A Master/slave couple takes us deep inside their BDSM relationship

the Master comments:

The couple is increasingly blended into one being. Often, the M/s dynamic involves spiritual growth that is not common to relationships involving other power dynamics

the slave comments:

I am much more secure, independent and confident knowing that I have security provided by my Master who will stand by me through any hardship

The slave continues:

it’s not the pain or humiliation that I love. It’s the dominance exerted over me so beautifully that all my inhibitions and fears disappear. All the past pain, and skeletons in my closet and the burden — it’s not just mine. It’s my Master’s as well. Through him, I can relieve it and heal myself.

 

With people who have experienced abusive relationships in the past, bdsm might seem a safer place to engage if participants require consent before playing.

A bdsm relationship allows for people to share deeper repressed emotions and become detached from them as they forge ahead into the presence of their new reality.

Read more in Dr. Brame’s book:

Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

And while you’re interested, check out the revised book on

The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

A book I recommend for people new and curious about the world of bdsm relationships is:

If Good Girls Don’t, Then Why Do I?: A Personal Journey into the World of BDSM

 

 

 

 

 

About dave94015

interested in alternative relationships, visual artist, erotic romance writer and reviewer of erotica, drug rehab clinic intern - early 30's
This entry was posted in bdsm-culture, bdsm-psych and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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