why are women so down on prodommes?



One of the more ardent foes of Prodommes, Miss Pearl, said in a recent post:

We need to stop acting like there is no difference between sex work femdom and fun femdom. And we need to stop pretending that clients are the same thing as sub boyfriends/girlfriends and husbands/wives.

But wait a minute. To me, Femdom is femdom whether is comes from the hand of a “pro” or an “amateur”. And who says Prodommes can’t be friends with their clients? And what about the occasional “pros” who also perform femdom with their friends without money exchanging hands?

It is true that there is a general ban on “pros” trolling for clients in amateur bdsm events, but the pros are there socializing with others and not interested in business at that time. Even Miss Pearl acknowledges that there are some #SW’s who enjoy what they do both in the business and outside of business.

It is also true that Prodommes (and many other SW’s) spend a lot in their fetishwear, play spaces and toys – but why should we envy them just because they are investing in their business?

Miss Pearl also says:

But they really can’t represent me accurately any more than I can say I can speak for them as sex workers just because we both spank or fuck. And the conflation is causing problems.

I also agree with her criticism about Prodommes defining what is Femdom if only because they promote themselves more than amateurs. They are motivated to do this for business reasons. This doesn’t make them any less respectable than amateur “lifestylers”. Maybe the problem is the general association of Femdom with Prodomme promotion?

Pearl continues:

[Prodommes]  tend to have a degree of professional interest in protecting the parameters of what is and isn’t dominance…But this conversation is extremely alienating to non-pros. You see I’m kind of everything they talk about despising in a dominant.

True, Prodommes are out front about what, to them, is and isn’t dominance particularly in their services, but outside of the business they are people too. I frequently see them encouraging “amateurs” (lifestylers) to continue in their kind of femdom because if we start a civil war against ourselves, we’ll be an easy target for the growing anti-SW, anti-glbtq movement (aka “Trump-Pence”) that will take us all down.

She does say:

Because pro-dom client pleasing has zero to do with my sexuality.

and I agree with her entirely. Sex work is just that: work! A lot of SW is with clients you wouldn’t normally have sex with. And (as she mentions) SW, especially #bdsm,  doesn’t always include sex!

I agree with her remark of being mistaken as a SW:

And the typical guys, even the polite ones, trying to send out client requests to me also have zero to do with my sexuality

Most SW’s don’t want to be just anyone’s sexual plaything (unless there’s a lot of money involved).

I feel alone in my needs, when guys can’t understand why bribing me with dishes or offers of money doesn’t make me feel dominant, when some of my male submissive friends can’t understand why I won’t go pro. When they can’t separate client pleasing behaviour from my behaviour and when it has to be a competition of whip skill and psychological intuition.

She’s right on that point about people who make assumptions and try to influence her to do SW. But SW’s also have the same experience from people who assume that just because they do SW, they’ll do anything for them.

The real danger in her criticism of Prodommes and sex-workers in general is that it gives more ammo to the “moral” crowd. I think we need to stick together and stop fighting among ourselves.

Lifestylers owe it to themselves to come out like Miss Pearl and tell us how they are different from the Femdom stereotype and that they deserve respect too.



Rebuttal from Miss Pearl (via Twitter)

I received 3 tweets from Miss Pearl’s Twitter account () as follows:

The hardest part of the conversation is steering it away from pro bashing.

Those who read your entire post will notice how careful you were to avoid “pro bashing”. Unfortunately there are some who will interpret it otherwise. It may be because you promote  “lifestyle” value by comparing it to the goals of  Prodommes, especially with the sex worker (provider/client) aspect.


The issue is that professional domination is about a salable product, with a defined provider/client dynamic baked in. (1/2)

The norms of this salable product overshadow non-pro, who by definition, do not experience their sexuality this way. (2/2)

It it true that pros create mercantile relationships that “overshadow” those of  “non-pros” ?  Is it true that all pros are only in it for the money?













About dave94015

interested in alternative relationships, visual artist, erotic romance writer and reviewer of erotica, drug rehab clinic intern - early 30's
This entry was posted in bdsm, bdsm-culture, prodomme, relationships, sex, sex-work, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to why are women so down on prodommes?

  1. Pro dommes fill a need, as do many sex workers, but there is truth in what you say – there is a difference between a pro domme’s work and the actions of a domme in a relationship – I know this, having been a pro domme. I met my husband this way, and we live the BDSM lifestyle for ourselves. The difference is there, but you should never knock the professionals – there simply aren’t enough domme girls to go around, how else can men get their needs fulfilled? Think about it!

    • dave94015 says:

      Amy Koski Kivutar – Thanks for your comment from experience. Some guys prefer only a prodomme interaction while other guys like the lifestyle…and some couples transition from pro to lifestyle (like yours) while others (like mine) live a lifestyle with a prodomme. Prodommes have been supportive of me and I have no inclination to put them down.
      There are plenty of guys who have needs to be dominated either professionally or in a relationship. Prodomme and lifestyle women should be supportive of one another instead of fighting since there are plenty of opportunities for each.

  2. Princess Bee says:

    Very insightful, and many good points made. I think that as long as we live in a culture that prioritizes male pleasure and erases female pleasure, the demand of self-described “submissive” men for women to cater to their fantasies will continue. I see a lot of criticism aimed at pro dommes coming from men who claim to seek a lifestyle partner, but on closer inspection, what they want is for a woman to provide for them what a pro domme would, but for free. The idea that they might have to contribute to a relationship at all – whether that contribution be financial, or personal and/or emotional – is offensive to them.

    The idea that professionals would represent the needs and wants of non-professionals is itself an assumption that erases female sexuality and pleasure, as is the assumption that professionals do not have personal needs and wants of their own and are doing business 24/7. There are also plenty of men who profit off of sex work, as well, including male sex workers, managers, website owners, photographers, etc. etc., and so it’s telling that the criticism is pretty much always made towards women. The fact that the client base is seen as entirely made of cishet men fuels this, I think. Pro dommes, in particular, regularly get female clients, but again, this practice remains invisible.

    The only thing I would ask of professionals who provide BDSM experiences, is that they take the time to learn about the lifestyle. How to safely provide a BDSM experience, and an understanding of the needs and wants of clients, are clearly necessary. On top of that, it is beneficial for them and their clients to understand a greater diversity of BDSM identities, roles, and interests, and the issues that face the lifestyle as a whole. I’m not saying every pro has to become a consent advocate, but it would be nice to see a larger number acknowledge that what they offer is a fantasy, and that there are serious issues to consider if one wishes to live that fantasy in the context of an intimate, non-professional relationship.

    • dave94015 says:

      Thanks for your comment. You notice the common misunderstanding that some men have by presuming the activities and goals of “lifestylers” are similar to “pros” – and treating them as such. That said, most men I know realize that “pros” present a fantasy that is seldom if ever realized in a lifestyle relationship – at least in the kind they are likely to experience.

      And your third issue – about the lack of education among some sex workers with respect to bdsm practices, the diverse identities, relationships and the general goals of the majority of the community (such as SSC and RACK ) is well taken. It is another reason that, to me, the bdsm community should look for a common ground instead of pitting one group against another.

  3. Polthus says:

    I’ve read both Miss Pearl’s original post and yours several times, and I’m itching to respond. Unfortunately, said response would require several hours to compose. But I have it on my ‘to write’ list and want to thank you for bringing the topic back up. Also happy you published Miss Pearl’s responses.

    Nice work!

    • dave94015 says:

      Thx. for considering what is a considerably more complex topic. Miss Pearl is a determined “lifestyler” as much as many prodommes’ are “strictly business”. I try not to take sides as I see positives on both sides. I still don’t understand why one dislikes the other so much. They might find they have much in common.

  4. Sorry explain a pro dom? Is it a male or female?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s