Below, some (rambling) notes on observations of alternative relationships over the past few years.
First, they don’t last as long as their heterosexual or gay counterparts. why? Good question.
Recently Miss Pearl commented:
Wildcard (her bf) and I are moving towards year 3 of our relationship… My love life goes as it should. It is not a D/s or M/s relationship, but it is a femdom relationship in the sense that I am a female dominant and I am in the relationship. Yeah, it’s complicated, but honestly if other people’s anecdotes are anything to go by, an explicitly power exchange dynamic isn’t really easier or more smoothly role defined.
many of these F/m relationships fizzle much sooner. A “pure” D/s relationship may be unsustainable within the culture that has certain “hetero-normative” expectations of men’s and women’s roles.
Our [relationship] was supposed to be a “Total Power Exchange Relationship,” or at least that was what we had agreed to when we both realized that we had the same interests in a full time dominant and submissive kink dynamic. This meant that our BDSM roles would in the background of our dating life as boyfriend and girlfriend full-time and manifest themselves in a protocol around how we would interact and divide tasks in our home.Could our therapist tell that it had become a Total Power Hoarding Relationship?I had worked so hard to find someone who would accept me as I am, to be willing to be in a BDSM relationship with me and still want to be with me long term, who would…submit to meMaybe if I were better he would stop being so angry whenever I…asked him to…let me choose sometimes when he would wear his collar, when he would serve me in the way that I thought both of us found so fulfilling when we agreed to commit this way to one another as dominant and submissive.
but the relationship was failing because:
The dynamics of power within a D/s relationship between a female dominant and male submissive aren’t in any way a vaccine against the balance of power tipping quickly, disastrously in to the grip of either partner. In my case it became about trying to hold his attention, his love, at the end of my fraying leash. He became preoccupied, obsessed with the idea that strangers could tell our relationship had this dimension, embarrassed, ashamed of himself, ashamed of his desires, ashamed of me.
The post is a fictionalized drama of how abuse led to the destruction of the relationship .
Are most femdom relationships self-destructing, or undone by the outside culture? Are the expected roles for men & woman so contrary to the D/s of a femdom relationship that individuals in such partnerships need to compromise their dynamic to continue?
Are males ashamed to admit to other men that they are submissive…to a woman? Would their status with other men decline if their secret were known?
It’s rare to find a man who will admit his submissiveness directly. Instead, men wear certain tribal markings such as tatoos, body jewelry, hairstyles, clothing, etc. to tip off others in the subculture their status, but be ambiguous to the larger culture.
It’s not as rare for a woman to admit or show her markings that she is a dominant.
Why is that? Could it be that we are in a culture that promotes the strong and oppresses the weak?
Mistress Valient descibes the difference between a slave and a boyfriend. She suggests a compromise:
Slave & Boyfriend
- 50/50 – That’s right, you guys negotiate the rules together, who’s in charge in what situations? Who handles which responsibilities?
- Have your vanilla cake and eat it, too – You want some vanilla with your kink? Get on with it, anything goes as long as you both agree!
- Sex – Yes please and lots of it! You want to peg him one night, make slow sweet love the next, lock him in a cage one week and have sex 5 times a day the next? I’m in charge M,W, F, he’s in charge T, TH, S and we flip a coin on Sundays? Perfect! Go for it!
- Play well with others – I have other subs, he agrees he won’t ever be with another woman. Oh yeah, we both play with men, together or separately. That’s what we negotiated and what works for us. He sets out what I’m allowed to do with my subs and what is only for us. If that changes we talk about it.
- He rubs my feet, I pat his diapered butt.
- We enjoy time together, he needs me, but he also understands that I need time to myself.
- We can take each other around our family and friends – we just have to watch our wardrobe choices (I put a shirt and jeans on and leave my thigh high boots and leather corset at home), he leaves his collar and leash and home and wears a t-shirt, not a onesie. We are careful that any whip or flogging marks are carefully placed and can be covered with clothing.
This mixing kink and a relationship is new to me….I’m so lucky to have someone so wise, tolerant and patient with me as I learn to not always be in control, in charge and bossy!
So, is the “pure” D/s femdom relationship the subject of fiction? And do couples have to work things out to sustain their relationship if they want to keep it?