A guy’s guide to #bdsm – my take

BDSM means 3 things to me:

 

B&D – Bondage & Discipline. Guys, you get restrained in some way and beaten. Bondage is a kink in its own right. It is essential for when someone less powerful than you is doing the beating, like many women. Discipline is the application of pain to get a deeper sensation like a runner’s high and/or to heighten awareness. If you like tech. terms: endorphins, adrenaline rush – sometimes both in the same B&D session. A good dom(me) can work these things up in you. Here is something from sochaste

Chains are such a simple way of restraining someone. No need for knots, just a set of leather cuffs, some d-rings, carabiners or clips, and a few well-secured ring plates. There’s no arguing with steel chain – it looks intimidating and it rattles.

Once the captive is safely spread-eagled on the bed, or dangling from the ceiling, what else is there to do but whip him? I suppose a gentle warm up of paddling, flogging and a few swipes with a riding crop might be called for to get that bottom red and start spreading the colour across the back…

…I like to mix softness with pain to keep my sub off-balance, but also to provide an emotional anchor and to feel his desperate longing for me

It may seem unlikely, but you will form a deeper bond with your partner if she beats you the right way.

S&M – SadoMasochism. Some guys are sadists and others are masochists. If they are both attracted to each other, they can make an interesting interaction that might last a while.

Neel Burton wrote:

sadomasochists seek out pain and humiliation in the context of love and sex, they do not do so in other situations and dislike simple, unfettered violence or abuse as much as the next person

D&S – the inner letters of bdsm mean Dominance & submission. Usually one guy dominates in a session and the other guy submits. A good dom will feel out what a sub is into but ultimately it’s his/her choice of what to do with the sub.

EndlessSoliloquy writes:

Submission is not about pain and humiliation and having someone control every facet of your life. It’s about being so unselfish that you will put your Dom/me’s needs, wants and desires ahead of your own, and allow them to direct you in what wants and desires need to be fulfilled, and at what time and place

sochaste also writes:

 

Long and merciless sessions of teasing, with the subject bound tightly and only your own pleasure to consider. If your pleasure is to observe him squirm or writhe, to hear him groan or yelp, to see red or purple stripes forming on his body, then play with him, tease him, make him beg

While I might have certain preferences, once I submit I go along with the Dom’s scenario. When I dom someone I try to keep it to the type of play we’ve generally agreed to otherwise my sub will walk out of the relationship. If I want to edge them, I sometimes push him further than usual but not too far to avoid resentment.

Switching. Although some ‘old-school’ bdsm people disdain it, it’s perfectly natural to dominate some people and submit to others, sometimes the same person in the same session!

EndlessSoliloquy writes:

“I think being a switch is one of the hardest things to identify as in BDSM. Dominants and submissives have their established places, and even a top or a bottom has a familiar role. But a switch often gets ostracized from the community because no Dom/me wants them; they’re not a “true” submissive (whatever the hell that means). Few subs want to submit to a switch because they can’t REALLY know what they’re doing if they enjoy being on the receiving end of the paddle as well. Tops and bottoms will only play occasionally with a switch, because a switch is still someone who wants something with a deeper dynamic.

 

Contrary to their opinion, you do not have to be a sub for years before you can wield the whip! You just need to learn how to do these things safely and how to read your partner’s emotions when you do.

Gender issues. Some guys prefer one gender to play the role of dom or sub.

in the book: Selves, Symbols, and Sexualities: An Interactionist Anthology

there are interviews of  guys who sub to women and top men…and guys who sub to other guys and top women…both gay & straight!

Luckily I’m neutral on gender preference since I’m bi. If I’m attracted to someone it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman wielding the whip, although guys can be generally much rougher . If a guy is also TG or a CD I can get off on the femdom aspects of the scene. Usually a guy knows intimately what gets another guy off. And that brings me to a final point:

Sex & BDSM. I know there are many who do not combine sex with bdsm play – especially in public play parties where it is banned. I just cannot separate sex from bdsm. Almost every meaningful bdsm experience I’ve had has had sex accompany it.

Underground Sea (BDSM Depths) wrote:

When I am emotionally, romantically, and sexually attracted to a woman, I want to engage in submissive expressions of BDSM with her just like I want to engage in more conventional expressions like holding hands.

I can’t get off sexually without at least a bdsm fantasy in my mind. I tried vanilla sex many times and it doesn’t work for me. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if they only want that flavor; it’s just not for me.

BDSM culture. There are many into various kinds of kink & bdsm who occasionally meet (such as the Folsom Street fair, various public dungeons, play parties, etc.) . The one common rule is respect. I’ll respect your kink and you’ll (hopefully) respect mine. It doesn’t mean you have to be into what I’m into. If you are too uptight to accept this unwritten rule, you probably will not fit into the bdsm community.

Where to find BDSM events & community. Check Fetlife for group listings in your area. Many groups hold regular munches sometimes at chain restaurants like a Dennys. Although not always a place to find a date, munches are a great way to begin networking with your local community. Some groups like Society of Janus or NYBC have open enrollment meetings and/or parties. Some dungeons offer low-cost  introductory educational seminars.

Kink & BDSM. Is BDSM just another Kink? Or is it more? Some just play bdsm in the bedroom, others live its ways more fully as a lifestyle.

Charles Moser wrote:

my relationships which were vanilla were not fulfilling. I always felt like there was something missing. Now that I’m doing BDSM, I am fulfilled. This feels really right to me. This really gets me to my core. It’s who I am.

 

I’m no expert, but I’ve been into #bdsm as long as I can remember. I’m in my 20’s now and a lot of older guys presume I cannot know what they do. Of course, I  haven’t  had enough time to have the experience that they could have. Yet there are guys my age  who are into bdsm just the same.

 

bd-grp5

How you live with Bdsm – It’s up to you and your partner!

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About dave94015

interested in alternative relationships, visual artist, erotic romance writer and reviewer of erotica, drug rehab clinic intern - mid 20's
This entry was posted in bdsm, bdsm-culture and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to A guy’s guide to #bdsm – my take

  1. Amazing writing as always!

  2. Pingback: Mistress Valiant A Guy's Guide to BDSM: by Dave94015 - Mistress Valiant

  3. Yeah, the whole there’s no such thing as a switch pisses me off. I understand roles in BDSM are specific, but sexuality is fluid. Sometimes certain people can’t stay in a box. I’m a switch. I’ve always been submissive with more dominant men, but I also discovered I like being dominant with slaves as well. It all depends on who I’m with and what mood I’m in. I love inflicting pain, as well as receiving it. I dunno. What else would that be called?

    Great post.

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