Of the myriad of reasons why guys say they cannot commit to a D/s relationship there is a common theme of fear. What if other people know? How can I keep up my “be strong” personality and not be thought of as a wimp? It is these forces that keep a guy from fully committing into the relationship.
A femdom relationship that goes over the edge into a committed one is illustrated in Morgan Sierra’s “Slow Burn” in review: Dirty Dates . The basic story is a male sub who is being put to the test by his dominant female partner.
Sean says: “I want so much to please her, yet some part of me rebels against this instinct. I was raised to be the [sic] dominator, not the one who submits…[but] submitting is the more natural of the two“. He realizes his natural submissive nature and wants his dominant partner. Unsure of her commitment to him, he is afraid to tell her that he loves her. She is conflicted because she thinks he does not fully trust her and is not truly submissive when he flinches as she torments him:
She says: “why do you hide yourself when I take from you what pleases me most?…It’s what you need”
Thus the basic conflict of the story. She puts him to a test <spoiler alert> by forcing him to insert a slab of ginger up his ass. He says: “I want to please her, to not cry out or clench against the discipline, but inside I’m trembling. The pain will be unbearable; I’m not ready…I want the hurt, but I’m afraid of it. Even more afraid of displeasing her again.”
But he decides to soldier on through this test:
“Because I love my mistress, I will. This love is a horrible thing. I am constantly torn with the knowledge that if she knew the depth of my affection, our relationship would be over. It is my trust Mistress wants most of all—never, my love“.
The pain soon becomes unbearable. She urges him on to please her. He wants sexual release. The pain begins to push the pleasure: “the fire has found an escape, and it bursts forth, moving to the place where the pain and pleasure have met. I manage two more jerky strokes before the combined pleasure-pain explodes from my cock…”
He says: I am buzzed…the pain drives the euphoria, taking me places I’ve [never] ventured…
She says: Now you won’t try to hide yourself when I’m disciplining you
He murmurs “I love you” and she says: “I know”
He says: that she doesn’t push me away…is all the security in what we are–who we are together–that I need.
The guy in this story, like many in real life, is living in conflict; he wants the D/s lifestyle where he submits to his partner in private but he has to put on a dominant persona to the rest of his world. While faking his personality seems easy to do on the surface, the constant act blocks his full realization of the #bdsm relationship. If he stays with her, he is likely to be “tested” more often. Someday she may force him to “come out” of his conflicted world.