Do we compromise ideal bdsm relationship away?

PV wrote her views on what she respects in a relationship with respect to polyamory:

  1. Want an openly non-monogamous relationship.I’ve tried monogamy and it doesn’t work for me. It never will and I will never promise monogamy to anyone. My partner has to be on the same page – has to *know* he can’t and doesn’t want to be monogamous.

  2. Be OK with my level of non-monogamy.On the spectrum of completely monogamous to completely non-monogamous, I’m pushing the latter extreme. I have no rules (other than ‘use a condom’) for my partners: They can fuck whoever they want, whenever they want, and however (much) they want. I need the same level of freedom. Most people I would’ve considered dating based on their other qualities who claimed to be non-monogamous could not deal with my level of non-monogamy.

http://perverticallyvirtuous.com/2013/04/30/my-relationship-checklist/?subscribe=invalid_email#blog_subscription-3

PV enumerates her checklist of what she expects of a prospective partner in a relationship. Should we all have a “checklist” like she has? Or, is there a ‘give and take’ in relationships?

Maybe her standards are too high…or are they?

Fern writes: “There is always compromise in relationships, but there is a world of difference between small ‘c’ compromise and capital ‘C’ Compromise”

by big ‘C’ she means: Big ‘C’ Compromise is about giving away things that are fundamental to your happiness

This kind of compromising away of happiness is not unique to D/s relationships, nor is it unique to either side of the slash.

But surprisingly, you know who I talk to about this the most? New female dominants….

Because they are told over and over to consider their submissive’s wants and needs, to not be ‘that bad uncaring dominant’

From a F/m perspective, this can often lead to a situation where a Domme realises that her submissive is *only* ever doing exactly what he wants because she has stopped insisting on anything that he simply didn’t feel like doing

 

http://www.domme-chronicles.com/2013/01/compromise-in-ds-relationships.html

Should you compromise in a D/s rel.? By definition, the “TPE” (total power exchange) doesn’t allow for “compromise” except where safety may be at risk. And yet many people in D/s relationships do compromise. Some relationships degenerate to “vanilla” and eventually break up.

Could this explain why many (not all) D/s relationships have a short life or become “normalized” with only occasional kink in the bedroom?

Dumb Domme describes a sort of diagnostic (from Fern’s masocast)  for would-be D/s couples in which they describe their idealized typical day (or week) :

Separately, in writing, each of you describe a what a perfect day or perfect week looks like in your ideal D/s relationship. When you’re done, share what you wrote and see how well your perfect day matches up with your potential partner’s perfect day. If they match up well, fantastic! If they don’t, then perhaps you aren’t well suited to a relationship together.

http://dumbdomme.com/2013/07/my-submissive-left-me-because-im-new-novice-domme.html

Many discussions about bdsm and polyamory often become too abstract. Many people prefer practical steps to theoretical discussions about relationships. This is where fiction can help.  I suggest to those interested in F/m relationships short pieces such as from Amy_B:

It took four (ish) girls before Sven found Mimi. Four or more tries at convincing them that he wasn’t a creep for what he wanted. Four girls who made him feel disgusting. And only one girl to make him cry, as she tells him she loves him all the more for it.

http://lipstickandligature.tumblr.com/fiction

If you and your partner can relate to most of the stories, maybe there is a potential future.

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About dave94015

interested in alternative relationships, visual artist, erotic romance writer and reviewer of erotica, drug rehab clinic intern - mid 20's
This entry was posted in bdsm, polyamory, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

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