Issues regarding polyamory are coming fast and furious after a long hiatus. In a recent post, the similarity of polyamory to kink relationships was discussed.
What we especially learned from getting to know kinky people — stuff you can’t learn from stereotypes — is that they place a huge emphasis on negotiating explicitly about absolutely everything…The weirdest thing kinky people do is they talk about sex before they have it
The post urges polyamorists to engage in the art of negotiating…frequently (not just at the recruitment phase).
I have found another similarity to kink. Just as in “no 2 people’s kinks are completely alike”, is it also, “no polyamorists wants and needs are completely alike”?
My former poly partners saw my role differently than my present ones, despite having one other (M) in common. In my first relationship with J and M, J negotiated kink lifestyle issues and placed me in her hierarchy with M. In my current triad, I’m a third partner in our business and social life. We did have primary/secondary issues, but the socioeconomic structure (aka the bar where we work) necessitated cooperation and equal participation. Operating the bar is a common task we participate in for most of the time. We bought out a former partner (and ex bf of one of the current partners). The business was failing. We had to turn it around. It was like working on a ship under dire (“do or die”) conditions. If we didn’t compromise a bit and pitch in, our effort would fail and the ship would sink.
I also asked the poster:
This begs the question: What would a polyamory checklist look like?
Many kink checklists focus on activities and the degree of preference among participants. If I had to create a checklist in my triad I’d probably have:
- How often would you prefer to do activities with all partners (seldom…sometimes…often…almost always)
- activities with just one partner (seldom …sometimes…often…almost always)
- activities with metamours (seldom ..sometimes…often…almost always)
By activities, I’d have a matrix that ranges from (intimate…routine activities…work-related).
Just a thought on this late evening.